Predictability

Sometimes I think my life is uneventful, unpredictable.

I just walked into my kitchen to find
a mysterious Wal-Mart bag in the
center of the floor.

The floor I meticulously mopped yesterday
afternoon just minutes before
Leila dumped the sugar bowl all over
the floor and before Tre
knocked his soda off the table onto
the floor where it splattered about a
three mile radius.

SO I was walking through
the yard picking up various pieces
of trash and I realized there were
piles of
dog poop
everywhere.
EVERYWHERE.

At first I thought it was just one corner of the yard,
but as I ventured from one end to the other,
I found it
everywhere.
It was disgusting.
I kept imagining all the
frolicking children that play
in the yard on Sundays after church and
wondered how many of them dragged
dog poop into
their minivans and suvs.
*snicker*
I know. It's gross, but
I called the poop patrol,
which gladly obliged my request to pick up
the poop when I offered
wal-mart bags and plastic gloves.
Am I crazy? That's how I'd do it,
if I had to be on poop patrol,
which I don't,
because I've got five able-bodied children that
take great pleasure in doing such things.

Which brings me to my next point of interest.
Here's my dog, our dog;
he's their dog when
I don't want to be part owner and caretaker.
I walked out the door today and
saw the greatest thing ever.
We have a pink dolly
stroller with a canopy,
just big enough that
Leila can still take rides in it
when she feels up for the adventure.
I saw this little bundle of blankets tucked inside
the stroller and assumed it was a doll until
I saw poor Scooter's face
sticking out of the blankets!
Kennedy had him wrapped up and
sitting on his tail,
like a baby would be positioned.
He was just riding along like
it was normal until
he saw me and was immediately embarrassed, then
he started squirming to get out.
I couldn't find my camera,
naturally, and the batteries to the
video camera were both dead so I only captured
a milisecond of the moment, but I caught it darn it!

I'm sitting here laughing
to myself as I merrily type along,
all the children are playing outside in the
remarkably warm-for-December weather, and
I think to myself, "I hope
Leila doesn't go out there.
Surely there are still piles of mashed
poop in the grass,
she'll get it all over her little feet.
That would be awful."
I knew the door was open, but I was so
engrossed
in getting this written that
I couldn't tear myself away.
Yeah.
In the meantime I hear a rustling
plastic bag.
Leila.
Kitchen.
Plastic bag.

You guessed it.
She had carried the bag out
the back door and was just starting to
rummage through it.
I laughed all the more and threw
the bag out into the yard for
the kids to dispose of properly and
Kennedy said,
"If she was playing with it, I know why. Cuz we were too; it's really fun!"

It's not. Predicable or uneventful. Ever.

These are a few of my favorite things...

Friends

One of the greatest things about life in Nebraska is that
we have friends.

I have LOVED living in Missouri because
we were surrounded by family.
My mom and dad were close,
my sister lived with us,
Dale's mom and dad and sister and nephew were a mile down the road,
we had aunts, uncles and cousins and grandparents
at every birthday party and holiday,
it was amazing.

The thing about Fremont is the spontaneity.
I LOVE it.
People stop by, make play dates, drive by to check on us...
we have friends.
I still have my sister,
who is the only person besides Dale that
I am COMPLETELY uninhibited
with, and for that
I am more than grateful.
God knows I need her; and
we think each
other is
the funniest person in the world.
But in addition to that,

I have people here that I am totally
comfortable with.
I don't feel pressure when they walk into my house and
it's messy.
It doesn't matter if I am already
in my jammies and slippers or
if I am in the middle of a project that involves
piles of books and papers
strewn throughout the room,
I love to be able to just drop it to
sit and chat whenever the opportunity arises.
I love it.
I love having friends that love us
and that love hanging out.

It never ceases to amaze me how God's blessing works.
We have lived for a long time without friends and
without social stimulation,
which naturally forced us to
rely on each other
for both of those things.
That was the greatest blessing we could've asked for because
it reinforced the fact that God,
in His infinite wisdom,
gave us everything we need in Him first and
each other secondly.
Now that we are both completely convinced
of that very thing,
He has lavished on us a multitude of
people to run the race with,
that will crack jokes or
cry with us, but above all
fight the good fight and
stand beside us.

For this I am more than grateful,
I am humbled.

On writing

Starting to feel a little more normal... a lot more normal,
adding elements back one at a time, now if I could just
get away from that wretched devil
food that haunts me and lures me
into the lair of gluttony...

But in the grand scheme of things, I am feeling the balance
starting to come back to middle ground.
So many great things in my life,

I feel hopeful. I feel
more than hopeful, I am excited
about life.
I am excited about the potential of the
things that are happening in my life and

I wake up ready to start the day before I have to.
I am writing again
and that, my friends, is exciting.
Something about writing frees me.
I can't explain it; I know I've said it before, but

writing, like running, gives me the exhileration of flying.
Now, I've never flown
but I have been on a contraption that simulates flying
to a certain degree.
(The rip cord, it's a thrill ride at
World's of Fun that is like bungee cord jumping,
only you don't jump,
they strap you in and then
string you up and you
drop and fly through the air.)

So I can only guess
what flying must feel like
and this is the same thrill for me intellectually.
I love it.
I once read that writers cannot
not write, because it's not about the result
of the writing as much as
it is about the writing for the writer.
So adding that one simple element
has given me
a new lease on this new life.

So thank You God.
I know what it is that does it for me, and it's only because
You gave it to me.

Journey

Now blows the wind of change today just as the seasons pass;
And in my heart I tremble as the promise comes as last.
And yet I know that life is never just or right or true;
But I will cling incessantly to Him, He gets me through.

He's real and never failing, He's a diamond in the rough;
A standard for my vision and the hope in whom I trust.
He holds me as I tremble and speaks gently in the night;
Surrounds me with His kindness, pours His blessing as I fight.

Promises of courage never give much relief;
Until I've found my safety in the deep and safe reprieve.
It's ever climbing onward, ever looking to the end;
Up the mountains, down the valleys, with me journey, faithful friend.

Newness

Something about going home spawns growth. I see it most in my children, they always come home from Nana's saying new words or walking or potty trained... This time it's me. My journey there and back has given me a grasp on my world, or rather, a perspective that I have been scrambling to grasp and had yet to find. Sitting at the kitchen table with my parents turned the light on. It is the gravity of going back to the beginning- returning to my roots. I feel like I can see a little more clearly in order to remedy the "treading water forever" feelings.

I needed to find my footing on my own. And then I needed to come home because I can no longer find completion apart from Dale. He's my anchor. And then I needed to be with my family here, in the body of Christ. I need to worship with my brothers and sisters and eat with them and laugh with them. That's the air... In Christ I have life, and in that I have family and community and abundance. I have everything in the world, a deep resounding joy even if I'm teary, because I have found my place in the universe and it's right here. So thank You, Father, for sending us down the road least likely.

Changes

I was just telling a friend that even my dog is different. I feel like we've been here so long, but it's only been a couple of weeks; it just feels like we're settled. At the same time, we are not. So I'm scoffing at our poor little Scoo and saying he's whiny and clingy... In the meantime I was reading something that I wrote from Smalltown USA six weeks ago, and frankly, I'm not the same. It's strange. I feel like myself, I think I look like myself- except that I'm awake during the day and I *usually* sleep at night. But somehow, I'm not myself. My writing is not the same. My responses are not the same. I am have not become completely acclimated to our new life here. It's understandable. It's so new.

But one thing is real. One thing is the same, it's still true. God is here. He is here, and He is very real. I can never escape His watchful eye. His thoughts of me are endless. And that, my friends, is quite reassuring. I have always had this sort of made up idea of what "freedom" is. We sing about being free and having freedom. In my studies I have discovered that freedom is soul regeneration from death to life and in that not carrying dead weight through this life. But more than that, freedom is in God's sovereignty. Freedom is in belonging to Someone. And in all of that, all He wants from me is me.

I read an article about this hurried mother and her children that brings this into perspective. She was dragging her little one in to the day care provider's home so that she could get to work, but the little girl insisted on picking up a rock to give to the mother and one for her pocket. Her mother thanked her and cast it aside as they rushed up on the porch and into the house. As they entered, the care taker was also given a rock which she gratefully accepted and pocketed. The mother apologized and offered to take it out with her as she left, but the woman refused and lead the mother to the back porch where she watched as the woman dropped the little rock into a tub full of other rocks. She explained that while children are young, everything they have is given to them. They are given all of their clothes, their food, even the papers they color on are given by adults. So in order to give something away with sincerity, they find things that no one owns and offer them as gifts. She said she never refused a gift from a child. The woman set in her heart to do the same from that day on.

On a grander scale, everything I have is God's and so to give Him me, while it's sometimes a meager offering of weakness and poverty, He receives gladly because it's all He wants from me. It takes all the pressure off; it's makes living peaceably and with sincerity a sweet offering to Him and from Him. My life is His, all that I have have is His, everything else is peripheral.

2 Corinthians 2:14 But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him.

Sunshine and fallen leaves

Life moves pretty fast sometimes. I keep wondering when I'll wake up and think, "Self, how did I get here?" Letting the days go by... I want to run. It's the lacking element in my day. I want to put on my running shoes and hit the road fast. It's just that the weight of this new burden overwhelms my body and when I sit down my eyes start to close, so I'm hesitant to expend energy on something that, at this point, is trivial. I want to save it all up. The reality is that if I were running, I'd be tapping the surplus tank and I'd have more at the end of the day. Isn't that weird? You sit all day and you're tired. You work out and you add hours to your day... Who knew?

Speaking of weird, is it November 8th and 74 degrees outside? We played in the leaves yesterday and it was just amazing. The kids had a ball! It's one of my treasured fall favorites that I thought we'd miss by having the cold creep in before we got to it. Unfortunately all our raking was in vain as each child laid claim to his own pile and some refused to bag theirs. While the neighbors all around are working like busy beavers to blow and rake to keep their yards in tact, we are in a constant blizzard of leaves. And frankly, it's not a big deal to me. Someday my life will afford me the pleasure of a neat and tidy yard full of love and attention. Not right now.

So here's to you, overzealous leaf blower guy... thumbs up from this side of the fence. And to you sandysendbigpresent- no thinking on this one.

And then there is life

We have officially been here a week and it feels like it's been a year. One of the great things about true friends is that they don't stop when the miles separate you or the busyness separates you. We were sitting in the living room yesterday with someone I thought I'd never see again. It's been four years since the last time, and all the sudden it felt like it had only been days. God has mended this gap of time that drew us away from here, only to patch us back in.

I know we're different, we've grow up... but we're still who we are and that's what I love about life in Christ. He gives You an identity that you're proud to wear. Because under it all, I know that I'm nothing. I have nothing to offer except the ugliness that I was born into this life with. But in Christ there is no end to the well of resources because I draw from Him. It's satisfying and I love it. He is my hope, and my joy, and the reason I sing, and apart from Him there is no life.

So let me live, Sweet Jesus, in the shadow of Your wings. And when You soar, pick me up and take me to the heights. And when you dip into the valley of the shadow of death, hold me close and banish fear. For You are the life that I live.

Lover of My Soul

Oh that my weakness would wither away... to be strengthened by You, to be given to You. Oh that my cowardly shallowness fade, to be striven in You, to be living in You. For my lostness is found when I lose me in You. And my hopelessness mounds when I stray far from You. I'm a fool to be down when my life comes from You. Make me live, make me laugh, make me love, all for You.

St. Cyprian to Donatus

This seems a cheerful world, Donatus, when I view it from this fair garden under the shadow of these vines. But if I climbed some great mountain and looked out over the wide lands, you know very well what I would see; brigands on the high road, pirates on the seas, in the amphitheaters men murdered to please the applauding crowds, under all roofs, misery and selfishness. It really is a bad world, Donatus, an incredibly bad world.

Yet, in the midst of it, I have found a quiet and holy people. They have discovered a joy which is a thousand times better than any pleasure of this sinful life. They are despised and persecuted, but they care not. They have overcome the world. These people, Donatus, are Christians... and I am one of them.

*Gordan MacDonald, Forging a Realworld Faith

Every year we hold our breath for October to come. It's our favorite time of year. We love buying pumpkins and carving them and baking pumpkin bread... I hold out all year to make it even though I could eat it every morning for breakfast, so that it's really special when the first day of fall comes and we step outside to go to the library and it's too cold to go without jackets. I love it. It's the grand entrance of the most wonderful time of the year.

This year we anticipated a big move far away to live amongst people that didn't know us and a church that would take months to embrace us if they chose to. But for whatever reason, God in His infinite wisdom led us down a path that seems almost too good to be true. We already have a life there with friends and family and a home and hope for the body of Christ. It's close to home and it's home at the same time.

Right now I'm just holding the reigns steady, trying to do what we do everyday until I can start the moving process. We carved this pumpkin Monday and it was full of fruit flies and rot this morning so we had to chuck it. But I look forward to carving a new one the christen our front porch as soon as we're settled.

Sometimes I have dreams that I'll be living my normal life in my normal house and then I'll open a closet door only to discover another wing on my house that I've never seen and it is spectacular. That's how I feel about the house we are moving in to. I've seen the outside but only the inside from peering through the windows. Then last night Dale informed me of an additional bedroom that I was unaware of. I had that same exhilerating feeling when he told me.

At this point we are planning to be in town next weekend to clean and paint. I've never moved into a clean house with new paint. We've always done it after we got there. I am thrilled at the possibility of just having to put stuff away. God is so good to us. I can hardly believe it.

Sweet dreams and orange marmalade

Ironically, this time of year thousands of caterpillars are climbing up on branches and somehow encapsulating themselves in tiny cocoons where they will stay so that when the time is right they can wiggle through a tiny hole in the bundle and squeeze themselves out into a life of flight and freedom with new wings.

Such is our life... We've been preparing and working and pursuing a life that was not meant for us to live right now, only all the work we did is convertible. It's all beneficial to the door that God has opened wide before us. All the studying, weight loss, financial fixing, it all works for this new concept for our lives.

I perceive it like the little caterpillar; when he comes to life, his mission is to eat, eat, eat, to prepare for the time he will be imprisoned in that cocoon. Only for him it is not suffering, it's necessity for the task he was created to complete.

So here we are, full from the preparations we've been slaving over. In the coming months, we will have grown our wings and be learning to fly. But for the time being, I looking into the daunting task of cocooning; waiting, packing, moving, then reclamation my family to daily life, new life. It's a cocoon and I'm claustrophobic.

God has opened the door for us to take a secular job in Omaha in order to begin a community building project, the task of drawing scattered sheep back into the fold in order to live, work, play and run the race together. It seems almost too good to be true the way things have worked out. We will be moving the last weekend in October, potentially.

Thank you for praying and continuing to pray for my family. I cannot tell you the reassurance that I have every time someone prays for me or tells me they will be praying for us. It's my life line in times like this.

(Times when the marmalade keeps running out the turkey)

zzzing, zzziNG, ZZZINNNGGG!!!

Seems like as soon as you have it all figured out, all the balls fall out of your hands and you have to start all over again, picking up one at a time, toss-catch, toss-catch, now the next, toss-toss-catch-toss-catch, toss... and another- toss, now faster so the next one can get in, oops, woah! Here they come, and now I'm screaming at the Trebo for spilling water on the table at lunch. Wait, start again with just one. Put a load of laundry in. Now two, get the dishes cleaned up. Three, bathe the children and load up for the grocery store. Did Kennedy comb her hair? Jas has a bumpy pony tail. That'll work. Don't forget the salad toppins... alright. All going at the same time. House is clean. Dinner is in the oven. The groceries are put away. There are four conversations happening at the same time, all aimed at me and the phone is ringing. I have two hours until I have to be at work... Alright. A week from Thursday I'll call and set the date to switch the utilities. Put in my two weeks. Shut off the cell phones. Pack the toys. Set out towels and pack the bathroom. One week following pack the kitchen and the living room... Bedrooms last. Hoping Dale will be able to come home at least once in there sometime before we load the truck. Starting to feel the overwhelmingness in my body first- the rolling and churning in my guts. No, I'm not... it's ok. I'm excited. It's happy. Why am I crying? No no, it's good. Did I even turn my attention to my only Strength one time today? Yes. Whispered a prayer in the shower. Oh yeah. Settle. Settle. Settle! BLAST these wretched tears! I'm tired. Must be strong. Must stay focused. Do the next thing. WHICH ONE??? THERE ARE TOO MANY! TOO MANY!

Ever played Diner Dash? I did yesterday for 90 minutes. The only 90 minutes I had to nap before I went to work all night while the kids were sleeping and quiet. I was playing a game, trying to master something, one thing that was in my control. Ironically, I was out of control. 5 more minutes, no 15. Ok. 15. Now 30. Woops, an hour. It's my vice. Sucks me in and burns up precious time. Weird, I know. Gotta have one. At least it doesn't give me cancer or heart disease, right?

I needed to write something to settle me so that I can sleep now for a few hours before Dale leaves for work. You are my friend. Pray for me. I'm a little overwhelmed today.

On losing

If I have learned anything this year, it's this: God doesn't owe us anything, and He doesn't do things our way. It's a sweet stiff shot of "Trust me". And I mean to say, a stiff shot; a dose of hard medicine prescribed to initiate total dependency on Christ. All of our marriage we have lived fast and tried to follow God's leading, as far as being where He wanted us to be and doing what we thought He wanted us to do. Contrary to what is advised in Scripture, I tend to trust in what I feel. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Our little adventure has never put me quite so at ease as the move to Missouri. I have always been excited about the next chapter no matter where it was, but when we moved here it was different. It was like we had found a place to land; I was content and at peace with our lives, really for the first time. Every other place was volatile and and unstable more often than not, I knew we had to be here for three years to finish school and that we were right where He wanted us to be. It was reassuring and safe.

So the thought of moving, while everything seemed to line up, made me nervous. Even with the possibility of financial security, real benefits, a house that fits, and opportunities for advancement and retirement; the possibility of change made me nervous despite the excitement. *It may be that way no matter where we go or when.* With that said, I was still sad when Dale asked me if I wanted the bad news or the really bad news. I still cried most of the day and then fell apart when our car wouldn't start at his parents' house that night. Everything seems so insecure, even though we have never gone hungry- unless it was on purpose- we've never slept in a car- unless we were trying to evade curfew rules in college- and we've never gone naked- in public. So it's not like there is any real instability. God has not broken any promises, more like we have broken ours by being shaken by not getting the job I thought we deserved.

Sometimes you think that you want what He won't let you have even if it's not His will... crazy, I know, but you think you can make it work. You can't. When you do what He wants you to do, you can do impossible things because He can make it work. So now it's just a waiting game; I believe it's one of the greatest virtues of the Christian faith not mentioned in the Word: waiting for His leading and maintaining dignity in the process. Patience doesn't seem to get around what I'm talking about here. Maybe that's what the NKJ means when it lists longsuffering as fruit of the spirit. Sometimes you look like a fool for doing it, but He doesn't care what you look like. So really, why do I care?

I had a friend in college that used to pray "strip away the pride, Lord" so often that it was almost like a mantra. I took it to heart and have repeated that line often for myself. I didn't know He would take me so literally and start with the superficial then take off the next layer and the next and work it down till nothing in me suffered at loss of vanity or status. I'm hardly there, but the work continues. It's a grueling process, but if it gets me to my goal of being "the sweet, sweet face of Jesus" to my husband and children, good times and bad, then by all means, "strip away the pride, Lord."

Honestly, I didn't want to write about it or talk about it or bawl about it because it seemed silly. If God doesn't want us there, I don't want to go, rather, I shouldn't want to go. We've been to Mississippi and frankly, it wasn't on my "Places to Revisit" list. Not even close to the bottom. So if God doesn't want us there, I don't want to pout about it.

It's a good thing, I know it is in my heart... but it's a hard thing to wait. And I don't want to wait anymore. I want to know and go. And then be there for a long time. But there's no guarantee and there's no way to know until it's time, so for now... onward ho. Back at it.

You win some, you lose some.

You gotta give a little, take a little, and let your poor heart break a little; That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
As long as there's the two of us, we've got the world and all it's charms, and when the world is through with us, we've got each others' arms; You've got to win a little, lose a little, and even have the blues a little;
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.

Reason is always a kind of brute force; those who appeal to the head rather than the heart, however pallid and polite, are necessarily men of violence. We speak of 'touching' a man's heart, but we can do nothing to his head but hit it. GK Chesterton

Days of Yore

Forty hours of vacation earned in nursing comes out to a week off with time to spare so I scheduled my first week off and made a flying trip back to Nebraska. Sandysendbigpresent moved into a new house a couple of years ago that I've never seen and has had two babies since the last time I saw her, so it was an overdue trip. We spent a chaotic first night in her house with a total of nine children under foot, including three two and under, three preschoolers, and three grade schoolers. At one point she said, "You know how something seems like a good idea when you are making plans for it and then you get into and you think, 'what was I thinking?'" Our usual late night conversation ended early after countless interruptions from children. Needless to say the patriarch of the house slept in the basement.Kennedy has wanted to cut her hair off for at least two years now. Dale promised her she could do it on her 12th (how would you write that out? twelfth?) birthday, after some convincing. Unbeknownst to her he bumped it up and told me she could do it when on her birthday next month. Our sweet Gabby was my first choice to do the job and being that she works in a salon, I knew she could get the hair to locks of love so we scheduled our day around our appointment with her. The new liberty in making personal hair decisions shone it's light on Tre as well who wanted a faux hawk. After running from house to house all morning, we met her and she did an amazing work of art on both of them. (Kennedy will be posting pictures on her blog very soon!!!)It was really strange to be back in Fremont. Driving down Nye I felt de ja vue and sitting at the Taylors' kitchen table was just like old times. My best friend Mendy was standing on her deck waving us in at the end of her journey. No px, but such a great way to end the trip. Sis took some video, so we captured a few minutes of princess Maddie, Big B, and Bendy Mendy in their cozy apartment. It was fun while it lasted, but as always, it's good to be home. Send me your pictures Suzy and Becky! Thanks to everyone that fed us and gave us shelter and clothes for the farm and let us use your bathroom and mess up your kids' rooms and reminded us that people love us there. Kennedy asked us why so many people loved us and if we were "kind of like--famous". It seems like such a long time ago, like it wasn't real. But you all knew us when we showed up at your door so I guess that confirms it. It was real. xoxo

One more thing to all of you. There was a huge division in that city that never should've happened. I know things change, but you're all still there in the same town within just a few miles of each other. Calvary Temple had something that few churches have anymore in their congregations and that's community; it always felt like family there even when things were really bad. The people there really loved each other and took care of each other when one person was down. If there is any way to pull that crew back together, do it! Find each other and love each other and live the love of Christ to one another! Run together as a labor of love for the Kingdom of God!

Happy Birthday to Leila...

Sweet Leila is one. And what would we do without her? This precious little screeching bundle off beautiful innocent naughtiness... She is a ray of sunshine. And not too sure about the open flame on her birthday cake!

Jasmine's expression in this picture is enough to root my feet deep in the soil where I stand. I have everything this life can afford any one person. I have this chronic nagging that pulls and tears at my security and confidence as every day the phone doesn't ring. But really, who cares? What is there to be desired beyond these four walls? Is there really such a desperation in me for what the modern world deems security more than what God wills for our lives here, right now? Where is my faith in the Almighty? Why have I transplanted that precious well that was so abundant and full in Christ into my husband and myself and our ability to control things or not control things as is evidenced in our present situation? People say all the time, "It'll work out. Just wait." I know it will. I know it like I know I have another breath coming after this one; like I know my heart will beat another sixty beats in the next minute. So when I lie down and my mind spins like a top that never slows, I'm perplexed.

My sincerest apologies for the journal-esque posts recently. I get to work and I sit in front of a stack of books for hours before I crack one; inevitably something dramatic happens to deter my attention and then I put all the books away at 6am when the last shove of work happens and tell myself I'll study tomorrow. There are so many things pressing. I feel like I need to be writing and studying and slaving to accomplish all of the daily things that are required of me to maintain a household of eight. When I get to work, sometimes I just want to sit there and talk and laugh and not think. Study at home is so much more difficult because I don't have hours at a stretch. These are nothing but vain excuses for my negligence. When I don't study I don't have anything worthwhile to say. The battle of the day to day conundrum isn't very inspiring. Especially due to the fact the I've been toiling over this same issue for so long. I guess you're still reading if you're still reading.

So while my studies are not immediately beneficial to you today, here's one to grow on.

None can become fit for the future life, who hath not practiced himself for it now.
Augustine Bishop of Hippo, 430

Yup.

It's the emotional swing from elation to devastation that wears me out. It's good news, it's no news, it's good news, it's no news. I wish we could just have a crystal ball so that we'd know what to do, which would eliminate faith altogether and then we'd be empty, but full of confidence. The journey... it's all about the journey. Sometimes I think about the days and wish them away to the next stage, then other times I think about the end stages and hope I don't wish away the years because I can attest to the fact that sometimes the golden years are more like the tarnished years. I know it sounds really sad and pessimistic, but I see people that spend every day of the end of their lives locked inside a strange place with no one that knows their secrets or their favorites or their middle name. I just want to cherish the days for what they are *a gift* and not wish them away. I have never gone without. I have never suffered a loss that disfigured me beyond recognition. I have yet to experience poverty, even in though we've been in that tax bracket most of our marriage. We are rich. We are rich beyond ourselves with health and life and joy and the sweet taste of fall all around us... life is good because God is good. Shame on me if I wish away another minute of my life for something better because it just doesn't get better than this.

Wednesday

It's Wednesday. It's Wednesday at 4:54pm and there is no noise in my house. There's no TV muttering, there's no stomping, there's no jumping, no one is crying, no one wants a snack or a new diaper. No one needs me right now, at this moment, I'm a free bird. Oh don't get me wrong, there's housework; there's always housework, but no one needs my immediate attention. If this were yesterday, I'd be scrambling to get dinner on the table because I slept a minute past four-thirty and I have to get it on by five to get it cleaned up by six so I can get my shower done and the house picked up and the laundry switched and folded before I grab a diet A&W Root Beer and a bag of cheddar bunnies and run out the door to work. But today is not yesterday. It's today and it's quiet. I will probably do a couple of loads of laundry, make myself half a sandwich and a glass of iced tea for dinner, pick up here and there, *things that Dale will notice so he'll think I worked hard while he was out* and then show up to work a few minutes early at work to the shock and awe of everyone present. Because no one is home but me. For a few hours, it's just me. Here. In my element.

A few weeks ago someone said to me, "Won't you be glad when your life is normal?" I laughed and said, "Have we met? This is normal!" My life, while it takes turns on the wild side and the mild side, is never mellow. It's never slow. It's never been predictable, and it's never been status quo. This is it. It's what I prayed for and it's what I chose. I didn't always love it, I craved the still sweet life of the stay-at-home mom with one little child and a redundancy of day-to-day sameness. But that's because when it got too hard, I wanted out. Not anymore. I love it. I live for it. Bring the noise.

People ask me all the time, "How do you do it?" And I generally give that old standard answer, "You do what you've gotta do." Elizabeth Elliot is famous for her quote, "Do the next thing" and that has been my motto for years. When I don't know what to do next, I do the dishes. There are ALWAYS dishes in my sink. And then I do laundry. After that I'm usually in the mode and there is a surplus of other chores to be done; I choose what I need to do and the rest can wait. Sometimes the rest waits six months. OFTEN the rest waits six months. But it eventually makes the cut and gets done. I don't know. For me rhythm is everything. Establishing some kind of system has always helped me get through the days. Then on the other hand, flexibility is huge too because what worked last week may not work this week. There's one little factor that also helps, it's the magic pill, and that's sleeplessness. I usually get a ton done if I sacrifice my sleep for it. People ask me about Dale's weight loss all the time too and I always tell them that his diet of eating right and exercising have won him HUGE weight loss success, but in the same way I believe his magic pill is the sauna suit. It's sped up the process.

I'm no superwoman; I don't do anything that anyone else couldn't do if we traded places right now. At the core, Jesus Christ is the only reason for anything good in my life. He is the reason I roll out of bed everyday, whatever time it may be day or night. My life pursuit of Him inspires me to do the things I have to in order to get to the things that most thrill me in my pursuit of Him. The things that satisfy my constant hunger for more of Him. There is nothing humdrum about life when you have found treasure and there is hope of it in the end of your journey. Knowing Christ makes me gracious and full of fervor for living. It makes my household gel. Jesus is base. When the world is pulling us all in different directions; we're tired and cranky and getting on each others' nerves and the house is a mess and the fridge is empty, if we all run to home base, nothing else matters. We're home; we're safe.

So many people live their lives trying to force that to exist where it can't, or running from place to person to place hoping to find it, but they come up with shallow counterfeits. Oh that we together might know Him...

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ-- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:7-14

goodness

We love to sit on the porch. It's not glamorous, it's not fantastic to anyone else, but if you've heard me talk about it you'd think it was the most covetted place in the world to be. For me it is. We used to go out there at night when it was cool and the kids were in bed because we can talk or not and just be together. Sometimes when Dale gets home from work, he'll go out there to unwind and naturally we all eventually join him. Last night we sat out there for about thirty minutes before the kids went to bed because it was so cold yesterday! I call it Fall Teaser because you know we'll have at least two more scorchers before the heat fizzles out. The kids played hide and seek in the yard with Sarah (she's back!!!) while we talked. When we came back in the house, we had a message. Usually the messages on our machine are from his family, my family or any one who is not currently in the house. So when I heard a stranger's voice, my pulse picked up. It was the supervisory chaplain in Mississippi!

It wasn't anything earth shattering, but it was communication and frankly, it was a break in the clouds. Humbling... yes. Maybe I'm fanatical about this stuff(see *blue sky*); no, I know I am. But God, in all of his infinite goodness cares about the little things and while the heavens declare the righteousness of God, I can't be sure that the sky would speak His plans to me. I know He hears and I know He cares so however you explain it, my soul has once again found rest in His leading.

blue sky

This morning as I walked toward my car after work I caught a glimpse of the sky, and I stopped dead in my tracks. The entire expanse was overcast and gray except for a tiny window of light directly before my gaze. At first I was mezmerized by the gray as it appeared to me the clear blue patch was moving away, but then I realized it was the gray that was moving to make way for the perfect beauty of a crystal blue sky, lined with whisps of fine white clouds. For a minute it sort of took my breath away because all around me it was dark except for this one tiny patch of light. I looked around again to see for certain if there were any other open areas but this was it; it drew me in. I took a deep breath and gazed for another minute before I climbed into my van and headed home.

Get it? Well do ya!? Of course you don't because normal people don't look for God in the sky or hear His voice like a whisper in a glimpse of white clouds, but not everyone is as desperate as I am to find Him for answers; I think it was a promise.

Last night I prayed a prayer of desperation from the depths of my heart for relief. I cannot tell you how heavy the burden has become. It's like the ninth month of pregnancy, and not just any pregnancy, the fourth. Mmhmm. It's just like it. We know the end is coming, it has to be, because we can't just keep doing this. It's just not possible. Something HAS to give, something HAS to change in order for this family to function. But we don't know how, and we don't know when, and it's driving us CRAzY!

So when I walked out the door after being awake all night, after sleeping four hours yesterday, it's a wonder that anything caught my attention. It was a moment of peace in the midst of huge shadows and clouds; it gave me breath for a moment, a real deep cleansing breath. I believe our break in the clouds is near.

Perfect timing

We had this really great plan after Dale's first year of school; we were going to start in September of the fall semester of his third year making a valid attempt to create a baby. It never was an effort for us, just nix one step in the process. It seems unfair, but we have gladly accepted each precious blessing in perfect timing.Naturally we were totally freaked when I read two lines on the destiny stick in January, the spring semester of his second year. Our schedules were crazy, we had a complex schedule of sitters lined of for mornings, noons, and nights. I was exhausted working nights and home schooling and staying on top of the housework while Dale worked tirelessly on homework, reading everywhere we went, writing papers into the wee hours of morning, and often working two jobs. *He did all his studying at home engulfed in the chaos of life here because he wanted to spend every free minute near us. He's my hero.* I looked at that crazy thing and laughed. And laughed. And laughed. And laughed. Then I told him when he got home and he looked at me in disbelief. Them we started making phone calls, having accepted the reality of the circumstances, and on the other end of the receiver, we heard, "Oh no"s and "what are you going to do"s and "what about the plan"s. It broke my heart, but I knew it was shocking news. Next time I'll just send an e-mail so it will leave room for settling.
In my excitement I have announced our big news regarding the job and that the end is near. Unfortunately it's not as near as was conveyed to us; still waiting for phone calls to seal the deal. It's like the bad dream that just won't end! I can tell you this. If we had waited, stuck to the plan, I'd be holding a newborn right now, brimming with tears, begrudging the weight, barely sleeping, and also carrying the weight of this burden that has not yet been lifted. I would be worthless to my husband in the responsibility of "bear*ing* one another's burdens and so fulfill*ing* the law of Christ." While I know he could handle it in my express full faith in his capabilities, God knew it was more than he could bear and set us up in perfect timing.Besides, she is the sweetest bundle of marshmallow fluff... I don't know what we'd do without her. She is like a twinkling star in her Daddy's eye. And I wonder if maybe he needed that tiny boost of goodness for this time just to get him through. God never ceases to amaze me; therein my gratitude never ceases to flourish.

Pretty Baby

She's five and I hadn't gotten her final set of shots yet, so I decided to take her in today along with Leila to get her boosters. It was almost more than I could take when I told her. She had no idea that she was also on the shot roster when we left the house. I couldn't stand her being terrified all the way there and then during the course of the wait, so I finally told her when we were within minutes of being called back to the dreaded event. I felt so awful about the whole thing I almost laughed when I told her. I know that sounds terrible, but it was emotional overload. My body almost betrayed me and forced out the laugh. I knew she wouldn't believe me if I gave in to it though, so I just held my ground as my lips quivered. "You're getting a shot today too, honey." She stared in disbelief as the words, like the serum, coursed their way from her ears to her brain to her thoughts. After a few minutes she buried her face in my arm and cried and squeezed and begged and said, "I hate shots!" and then calmed as the fear pulsated with every heartbeat. As much as I know it's not true, it was almost harder on me watching her suffer! Which makes me wonder if God suffers when we do. It's so easy to attribute our emotional hang-ups to His character because we are made in His image, but does the Bible show us that God hurts for us when we are hurting? I believe, yes. Absolutely. *Psalm 56:8 You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?* He has certainly prepared us for a life of hardship and toil if we are walking the very path Jesus walked in this life. He has gone before us to prepare the way and *Psalm 23:4 4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me.* I have read the poem entitled "Footsteps" and thought, "If He carried me, why are my feet blistered?" My life has been a menagerie of hot, hot, fire hot patches in the way that He has walked me through to prepare the callouses so that the next patch would be more bearable. So take heart, Christian. He knows. He feels. He cares. And He is there every step of the way to wrap His arms around you while you buckle down and take the shots, sometimes three at a time.

On living slow

SIS: "Who was she going to see???"
ME: "Her boyfriend."
AUNTIE: "I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND!"
ME: "Daniel" *snicker* SIS: *glances as AUNTIE and back at ME with a knowing smile and snicker* She's going to be nine in seven weeks. She'll be moving out in eight... Not really. I tend to over exaggerate the drama in my life, it's what I live for.

We had this conversation yesterday and it was funny because Kennedy has jumped conversation brackets. The other kids still get giggles and tickles. She's moving past that. We talk about why people behave the way they do when it seems to make such perfect sense for them to do the right thing. We talk about the things girls have to deal with as they grow like why sometimes she has a best friend at church one week and the next her best friend moves when she sits down by her. It's exciting to me that we are already building the conversation in our relationship. I fully anticipated her being twelve before that started to take effect. It's thrilling! What's more, she'll be eleven in two years. According to social services standards, she can legally baby sit when she turns eleven!

I was thinking about it at work the other night; she'll be eleven in two years! Where did the days go? How did we jump from toddling in Nebraska to earrings and fashion girl leggings in Missouri? My friend told me about a book she was reading on reverse parenting, the concept being that you focus your attention on the LASTS instead of the FIRSTS in their childhood. The last time they take a bottle, the last time they crawl instead of walk; the last time they ask you to tie your shoes. It forces you to savor the moments instead of wishing them away. It's brilliant.

Everyone's busy. When people ask me how it's going I almost always say, "Pretty nuts!" And when I ask them, they almost always say, "I've been really busy," or "We've had a lot going on." I don't like to be status quo. I never have liked it, though I have ridden the tide plenty in my life. I decided that I want to slow down the clock. If I spend my days busy, I'll busy myself to the end. While I think it's important to be busy at home, Titus 2:5, it's equally as important to be present at home. I find myself putting off little requests for things like playing games or watching shows or even looking at forts. Things that take only moments I put off to do dishes and laundry and take naps. I have a new inspiration to live slowly. I don't ever want to tell anyone it's been crazy around here. Crazy is the norm. That's like saying, "It's been normal around here!" I want to say it's a wonderful life; it is. And so I'll budget my time better, organize my responsibilities more carefully, not piddle away time sitting in front of this blasted screen, and TRAIN myself to hear the questions when they are fired at me a million a minute.

He's his father's son

Take a picture of this!" *enter into conversation: Tre.* He held this pose while my half dead batteries puttered to reload the next frame. Is he not a perfect reflection of his daddy? And then there are times when he reflects more than his wild side. This child has forced us to consider EVERY POSSIBLE FACET of discipline. He has, since he was 18 months old, pushed the limits minute by minute. And yet he is so sweet; it's been his saving grace his whole life. Lucky for me I too have had the gift of grace extended to me. I don't have any goodness in me, not a single ounce. The farther I reach for my Father's character, the farther I drift from being even momentarily within reach. This job as a CNA, the thorn in my flesh, has taught me nothing except that there is no good in me, nothing good. I work really hard to be kind, to be nice, to say the right thing, to be patient, to handle conflict amidst the beatings and curses and crying and frustration; inevitably I fail... and not simply but miserably. There is nothing good in me. But God... God in His infinite wisdom chose me to partake in His grace. And so I keep coming back, it may be square one every day for three years, but I just keep starting over. I am appalled at how dramatic my responses can be with these sick little old ladies when I know they are out of there minds, and still in the middle of the conflict I beg and claw at salvaging a scrap of my pride, that filthy ridiculous pride that swallows everything that I strive to be as a Christian. Would He only have the mercy to keep me there until I am empty...? I pray not. I have pleaded with Him to remove this thorn, and yet I remain indefinitely. Oh we'll move, but just not yet... and so I wait. It brings me back to this place where I realize that in light of goodness, I am so far away.
But this little face forces me onward in the journey up the ragged rock of Christianity. For his sake I will climb and be slapped and cursed and cut and abused. Because God is the prize and if he sees me climbing he wants to climb right beside me. And sometime in the journey he will truly taste the goodness and be compelled to give his soul to Christ. Life, this abundant life is the joy, it's the refreshment for the journey, but Christ and all of His fullness is the prize. And so I will climb onward and upward.

Isn't this the hugest paper airplane you've ever seen?

"Was Jesus ever a kid?" *enter into conversation: Micah* He's a thinker. Never occurred to me to consider Jesus’ humanity. I knew he was a baby, I knew he had to grow up, but I don't remember if I ever really thought about him being a kid like me, when I was a kid. A kid like one of the other kids on the playground or in my class. He's a thinker like his dad. Not his mother. His mother is flighty, a flake, an air head. I'm not pooling the sympathy vote here, I've come to grips with what I am and I can accept it with no shame. But I am not, by nature, a thinker. What I am is inspired. I'm inspired by God. The depths of Him inspire me to think, to consider, to ponder... And so I find myself scouring the pages of my Bible, grasping at trinkets of His character, His nature, His creation, and the things that thrill Him. In turn these things inspire questions like, what is blessing? I mean, we all want to "bless God" and we know He wants to "bless us" but what exactly does that mean? It will be the subject of my next search in the Word, which will also influence every other study I ever begin because the question remains and every time I find a little bit more, I will add it to the answers I find in my search. And after I've spent time scouring, it begs the question, "what the heck is going on for all of this to be necessary?" Where were they? Who was the author? Why did he want need to write the things he wrote? What was the city like? Who were the people receiving the writing? Which forces me into the history books, Roman culture, Jew and Gentile lifestyle comparisons...

I have SO far to go, SO much to learn, I want to inhale it! If I could, maybe I'd find some answers in this lifetime. But answers are not the end, while it thrills me to find them, or snippets of them; it's the search that's exhilarating to me. It's that in common conversation, the Word influences the things that I think and the responses that come out. While my actions have yet to be affected somehow- my character is so far far far from godly- still I seek knowing that He will change me if I am faithful to commit those things to Him moment by moment. No, I'm not a thinker, nor a studier. It's not my nature to be either. I'd rather eat bonbons and watch General Hospital. It's true. But racing against the tide is much more satisfying; pushing past everything that is natural about what I am in the flesh invigorates me! It's like nothing else in this life.

I love to stop and look into the sky, not just peek or glance, I love to fix my eyes on the vast expanse of the sky because the enormity of it all, the spectacular beauty, and the constant variation make everything else in this life so small. It gives me perspective. *I used to get inspired by trees in the same way; the ones that stand the test of time are so majestic. Some of them show the wounds of time and age, but they still stand tall and strong. And for Dale it was always the sky. But in comparison, the sky is such a reflection of God and trees are a reflection of our journey in the faith. And so, in the years we have spend being melded together, I have become like him... my eyes rarely focus on the trees, but rather the sky. God is forever making us one.*

So thinker or not, my friend, pursue Him. And not in music only or prayers only, but in study and in thought. Seek Him while He may be found.

Better days

Hi, have you met Dale? Than you know why this picture shocks me everytime I look at, it's like I'm seeing it for the first time.

So I'm praying that I'll have at LEAST one writing project done by next spring. With the new home schooling goals, I don't know how practical that is, but without a forty hour commitment to working every week, starting in October, I'll have a little free tiME! WE GOT THE JOB!!! Dale interviewed today. We should have a reporting date in October. Thank you all, with all sincerity, for your prayers for us and the timing on this crazy thing. It has been worth the wait- for this. If we had not been forced to wait the past months, Dale would have gone into the interview totally unprepared, overweight and out of shape. But God...

For years we have lived our lives like Mario- when he's invisible and the fast music is playing- invincible. (my first big word as a kid) When we first got married, Dale worked at Blockbuster as a manager and we only had one car, so I'd go pick him up after he closed and we'd stop at the gas station for a snack... hot dogs, nachos, little white powdered donuts, a full- sugar soda and maybe something with ice cream in it. And then we'd down it all while we watched a movie or two, and then go to bed at about 3AM. That's true. I'm not exaggerating. And that's how we've lived for most of our marriage, the timing changed, the food changed, sometimes it was a large thin crust pepperoni pizza, or a double supersonic burger and french fries, but we've done it for years and it's been normal in our lives. So now when I load up a cup of decaf coffee with sweet n low and plain creamer to get me through the growling tummy part of the night, I breathe a sigh of relief because Dale and I are not loading an artillery shell labeled "heart failure". We have found the path to life and it's paved with salad and sugar-free jell-o. God has given us grace in extending our lives despite our persistence in gluttony. And so we will strive to return the favor in living our lives for His glory.

What's more, we are MOVING!!! HAHAHA! HEEHEEHEEHEE! God has heard and He has answered. It's not the move in location that thrills me to the core; it's the move in our ministry. Dale is going to be living the reality of a dream God began to cultivate in his heart even before he got saved. For me, with the freedom to attend every church service, I am more excited than I have ever been, I've yet to share this with Dale, about taking on a Sunday school class! I have learned that children possess such an incredible ability to retain, and with no obstacles for learning, I want to load my curriculum with all kinds of graspable facts and teach them as much as possible in the time that I'm there. And then start again in the next place. I don't know if this is practical for me; it's something I've been dreaming up for a few weeks as to how I will connect in a church. I've drifted from the desire to sing, I'm not interested in performing as it were... and I don't feel like I am ready to teach women, I have so much to learn... but children, they are so easily influenced. And if I love them, I will be more connected to their mothers than I could possibly be any other way. Plus I can connect my children to other children because every kid loves to party at their Sunday school teacher's house; besides the title gives me a sort of reputability... pray for me. I tend to dream fast and run out of steam before the race. If you know me at all, you know this about me.

At any rate, we are moving forward in an exciting direction and God humbles me at His bidding.
The fact that He would choose us in such dire straits is more than I can imagine. Who am I that He even knows my name? And yet He chose us. But not of our good nature, as we have proven almost by the minute we have none, but by His will. May our lives never be for vanity or worth, but for glory, His glory.

Clarity

If only I had time to write everyday... I find myself full of thoughts that I would love expound on here, but my minutes at home are so divided, and not carefully enough sometimes, I'm afraid, which leaves little time for me to sit in this chair and hash out the things that confound me.

I am amazed in this life at how some things become so precious and others fall effortlessly by the way side. It moves me to think that when we draw near to the Father, He changes us, and not the way we'd like to change, overnight in drastic measure, but as seamlessly as the tide rolling in and out, as gently as the wind sweeping the leaves from the trees; and one day you realize that you aren't the same, you aren't the person you once were, and you breathe a sigh of relief.

The shift in values has given me clarity in the things that matter. There was a time when it was really important to me to be known, to have friends, to have a pretty figure, to have long hair... It used to matter to me that I had insecurities, that my feet were too big, there was unmet desperation in my heart to be accepted and discovered. I was lost... but I've been found.

Dale bought this amazing book called "Timelines of World History". I've been reading it in short segments every chance I get. I was never a student at heart, only by performance, so you can imagine my horror when I looked at a map of the world recently and couldn't place Israel. It's embarrassing to me that I have had to ask Dale what Gnosticism is at least six times. I hate it that when he refers to the first century, I don't know, not even a clue. So having a history book dating back to dinosaurs and covering events from all over the world in my hands is like treasure. It's like a key to the universe. And not because now I know where Israel is, but because now I can open the pages and find Jesus on a timeline, and Moses, and Adam. I can look at a map, a fact of reality, and find where my savior was born and lived and died. I can see where John was exiled. I can see where the Israelites wandered after the exodus. I can find my Father's words in my world. It is THRILLING!

What's more, I have attained some of the things that used to matter to me and I don't care. I've laughed when people have said they have big feet and mine are bigger than theirs because it's irrelevant. That's how I feel about most of those things. I used to live in anticipation of the next person that would notice the quarter of a pound that I had lost, now having broken all the records, I just don't care. I'm just the same old girl I was when I couldn't fasten my tight jeans and I had fuzzy dorky hair. It's still me. But I have found the secret to life; it's like breathing. It's like looking into the Grand Canyon and considering a trek down into it and back up the other side- breath taking. I've found it and it's in the pursuit of Christ, the pursuit of knowledge, the embrace of wisdom; it's in living the Great Commission and running. In every plausible metaphoric and literal sense, it's in running; in training like an athlete inside and out. It's where I've found clarity.

Seek Him, drink deeply of Him as you find Him in the Word! Don't let another day go by without embracing the Scriptures He gave that we might know Him, and come back the next day and the next day and the next day until you can't wait to get back to Him there!!!

And then sometimes He brings Christmas...

It's Monday, August 7th, my three year anniversary with my job. We have been home for 24 hours from a trip that seemed impossible and somehow happened, and this morning Dale got the call we have been waiting for, as of today, for exactly two months. He has an interview in two weeks, the final interview. I am overcome with joy.

We were sitting in a penthouse yesterday that over-looks the lake. We walked in and dropped our jaws and then ran through like children to see everything at once. Everyone was saying, "Look in here!" and "Did you see this?" Three bedrooms, two baths, a deck over the lake *we were on the fourth floor*, an elevator from the parking lot, a huge living room with a fireplace that ignites at the flip of a light switch... a fully stocked kitchen, a loft with a poker table, and I kid you not, a hot tub on the deck. None of the four of us spent a dime to have a it. And not only that, due to circumstances beyond our control, we did not make our annual trip to Lake of the Ozarks with our family. As much as I wanted to blame the disappointment on my children's loss, it was mine, it was a place significant to me and I was sad when I realized we wouldn't drive the strip even one time this year; that's where it was. Sometimes He brings Christmas early.

But it wasn't where we sat, it was with whom. I have prayed for years for a friend; and not just a friend, a couple that was like-minded with us and maintained the same love we have in Christ. Ask me how many tears of joy I have cried since we have met; tears of joy and tears from fits of laughter that literally squeezed them out. A friend for Dale that would share his burden, bare his soul with no holds barred, and dream kingdom dreams with him. A friend for me with the same intense burning desire to learn, but the same limitations of circumstance, someone that inspires me but can completely cut loose when the good times roll. Ask me if He hears my feeble outlandish prayers! I have yet to confess the most precious moments we all shared in the company of Father, but some things are too sacred to break down into details.

My kids were perfectly spoiled by BOTH grandmas- isn't it every kid's dream to spend a weekend with both grandmas? *I always wished for it. Now that I'm an adult I know why it never happened.* My life is blessed. My mom came and sacrificed four precious days with my dad to stay with my little ones. Dale's mom came over and hung out with them, they all sat together at church, and then had lunch together... I have tears in this thought, I can only be thankful in my situation when others live in such war zones... most I should say. So thank You Jesus! Thank You Nana! Thank You Mawmaw! Thank You our friends. And thank you to my precious husband and hero because at the end of everything, he's the last thought in my head before I sleep and the first thought when I wake. Thanks for being mine. You're dreamy.

Pray for us as we near the end of this process of waiting. The moments and events that we have waited so long for are within our reach all the sudden and what can we do but reach. We have worked hard for a long time to be in this position. Pray that we have favor in the path God has chosen for us.

Moments... from CBC

I'll say yes Lord yes
To Your will and to Your way
I'll say yes Lord yes
I will trust You and obey
When Your Spirit speaks to me
With my whole heart I'll agree
And my answer will be yes Lord yes

Heavy things

For four years we have been out of conventional ministry and serving as lay people in the church on various levels. Sheffield has proven to be a safe landing pad for us in past two years, but our feet starting to shuffle in anticipation of the next step and so we ventured out on a whim to visit a new church just to change things up. I am always curious to see how things run in different churches across the county, it's like being in someone else's house. I am also very critical when I walk into a church as I have learned not to throw the welcome mat to my heart out for every person that needs a place to wipe their feet. I was pleasantly surprised to be warmly greeted by not only those posted at the door, but also people at several stations along the way as we were taken to the childrens corner of the building and carefully instructed as to where they would be and what they would be doing. The music was good, the message was good, the service was good. A guy that met us at the door even remembered Dale's name and invited us to his home group. It was pleasant and comfortable and I would definitely go back and even consider attending a home group and a Sunday school class. I am fairly confident that given time, we would be able to not only connect to this fellowship of believers, but also find a place for ourselves there. It is set up right. And a year ago that would have been enough for me. That would have been exactly what I was looking for in a church. Not anymore.

I tend to set the standard too high. I have astronomical expectations for a lot of things outside of myself. Maybe I'm too much of an idealist, I always have been. I don't like to believe that the reality of the right now is the best that I am going to get. I want more... I WANT MORE. When I think about the body of Christ and everything that I know in my four page portfolio of information on life and God and church and the whole universe, I can put together about a pinhole's view of life in the New Testament church, but from what I can tell, those people were RADICAL. They gave it all for the kingdom; they sold everything they had and put all their money in a pot and used it to help each other and to advance the movement. They had REAL COMMUNITY. They had LOYALTY. They had BROTHERHOOD. Do these words even exist in our vocabulary anymore? I mean, we are all out there for a cause, but does anyone know what it is?

I want to be part of an army. Not just an army, a marine corp; I want to be a navy seal for the cause of Christ. Please. Show me where to sign up. I'll shave my head. I'll give up every food on the naughty list. I'll burn everything pink in my closet. I'll sacrifice sleep. I'll run sprints, I'll do three-a-days. I don't care. I just want to be apart of something real. Will the real body of Christ please stand up? Raid my house. Take me and my family to the headquarters. We are ready to fight. I don't want to be comfortable in church. I want to be convicted! I want the Word of God to grip me, I want His terrifying presence to drop me to the floor. I don't want to sit and wonder if I'm not dressed right or whether my hair looks ok or check myself out in the bathroom to see if I've lost enough weight. I want to be arrested in His presence, dumping my purse in the basket because I just can't seem to give enough when I think about our cause. WHERE ARE YOU???

If there in any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship in the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of one mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Phil. 2:1-2

Leila's tootsies

I'm hoping to post something worth reading tomorrow as I have lots of time to study tonight. I just wanted to leave an update on Leila as this week in NUTS and I won't have time to chat mindlessly on the telephone...

Yesterday I told the kids they could play in the sprinkler, for the third time this summer. I can be a real drag as a mom. ANYway, I put Leila in her walker on the concrete in the shade and then went to drag out the sprinkler. She was only a few feet from me and started crying and then screaming. I thought she was mad. Turns out the concrete was really hot and she was standing full force on one foot.

I picked her up and discovered blisters on her feet!!! I am not in all arenas a terrible mother, but I have my moments. I spent a couple of hours consoling her and then decided to check out the internet for a little self-assurance. Turns out she had a second degree burn, very prone to infection, so I called the doctor who sent me to the ER. They treated her and cooed over her "good-natured"ness and her adorability, and sent us home with silvadine??? and gauze wrapped feet. Most of the blisters were gone this morning and she's been walking around like she hasn't noticed anything wrong today. She's a little miracle.

Thank you for praying if you knew. God continues to amaze me with His generosity in return for my idiocy.

Hodge Podge

I posted yesterday in a daze of emotion, and then reread my post and thought, "Eek. None of this makes any sense at all. I'll rewrite it." Unfortunately I have not gotten back to it, no promises... who knows if it's worth publishing. Time will tell.

Flwrptls who are you??? I don't mind annonymous comments unless I can't guess who it is. Makes me loco, jyou know?

SO today is weigh day, an exciting day in the life of Dale and Becca. I gotta tell you, that guy blows my mind. He is like the incredible shrinking man. I'm all excited about losing one pound a week, he is still dropping 6 to 8 a week! It's completely healthy, the way he's doing it, I wouldn't say it's out of balance at all. We needed such drastic changes in our lifestyle, I can only attribute his success to God's blessing. I love it. I'm so proud of him and he continues to change in spirit and character. The glimpses I see of the old guy he used to be make me all the more grateful for the out of this world man I'm married to now. I can only pray that my girls will hold out for Mr. Wonderful and not settle for Mr. Right Now. It's so worth it.

My little bundle of joy is *screaming right now* WALKING! She is so funny toodling across the floor. She thinks she's such big stuff, she is starting to clap too. It's hillarious! I love having children. We went to the dentist this week and while we were there, a family with six children came in, and on our way out another family with five was coming in. I wanted to hug the moms as I passed, but they looked as exhausted as I did on three hours of sleep. Somehow *only God* we came out cavity free! WOOHOO! They all got registered for a drawing for free tickets to Worlds of Fun. The dentist's office today is not the same place it was back in the day. I sat in the waiting room most of the time, and I could hear Jasmine yelling "OUCH!" But she came out smiling, so I just let it ride. They are such amazing kids. I adore them to pieces!

Wednesday, for the last couple of years, has been family movie night. We haven't been able to have it for months and months because usually if we are all home, we get invited to dinner or we go out to dinner. Last night we had no plans, as eating out is no treat when you are living on garden scraps. So the kids suggested family movie night, which everyone agreed was a great idea. We all piled up on the couches with blankets and pillows and a bowl of kettle corn, and watched Superman III. As usual, Dale and I ended up snuggling and dozing on the floor, and all the kids were stacked around us. I love these days.

It's 6:13. I guess I should feed the wild bunch. They are watching a home movie the girls made while the boys were gone. I just heard Kennedy say on the video, "And now a commercial about strawberry underwear." Yikes.

FYI:I cancelled my myspace account out of necessity. It just didn't suit me. You can always find me here.

A Week in Neverland

When people say "a day in the life" they are referring to a day at Nana's. My mom is so amazing and so incredible with little children. I have always been a little blown away by the things they can do when they come home from her house. In summers past, two of my kids came home from her house potty trained. When I asked her what she did, she said, "I just put them on the toilet and asked if they wanted some big girl/boy pants." We sent Leila to her this time, who was on a food strike. She has been eating solids off and on for six months, in month six she quit. She'd take two bites and that was it. She came home and inhaled two bowls of macaroni like a two year old! Yeah. It's like that. Naturally, when she asked if she could keep them for a week this summer, I was elated. This year she took the girls first and then the boys. It wasn't a baby sitting week. It was a week for adventure for all of them. Late nights watching movies, bubble baths in the baby pool in the yard, sculpting, travelling,
...trips to the zoo in 136 degree heat, pizza rolls in Barbie playland, playing, playing, playing! They have a giant house, so when there are only a few kids there, they get to choose where they will sleep. For my kids, that's real luxury, considering there are two kids in one room and three in another and there aren't five feet of privacy in the whole house So, they loved it. It was really bizarre how the balance in our household changed so drastically between the two weeks. It was pretty cool. There was some serious bonding between the boys and for the girls. Gotta love Nana!

The journey to wellness

SO... Dale is whittling away to nothing and I am losing gradually. I will tell you this, I am smaller than I was when I got married- only by a few pounds, but smaller none the less. I love it. It is a great feeling to know that the numbers are moving and that if God blesses us with another baby, I can take the weight off- it is not an impossible feat.

About six months or more ago, I read an article in prevention magazine. They had done side-by-side evaluations of several of the current trends in diets. It was interesting as I have always been obsessed with/addicted to dieting and physical fitness and reading such articles- not always practicing... SO at the end of the article, they posed the question to a panel of big name national nutritionists, like the FDA guys, "which one is the best?" and one of them said something that stuck with me. He said, "It's all about the math." You eat calories everyday. You burn calories everyday. If the numbers equal each other, you stay the same weight. If you have leftover calories you store them in pockets of fat and eventually gain weight, if you burn extra calories, you burn what's in storage and lose weight. SO simple. All the sudden carbs and points and exercise all amounted to numbers. All numbers.

Watching Dale count calories and work out tirelessly has inspired me everyday. Seriously, we went to Pizza Hut last night. I am portioning, but not denying myself much. He used to order a large pizza and eat 8 of 12 pieces, plus somtimes we got buffalo wings and ate them all. So he ate a few wings, had a salad, and one piece of pizza. It was vacation; we were splurging, right? Yea. That was his splurge. I am not as committed to the eating part, but the exercise is invigorating! I love it. I do as much as I can everyday. And not eating certain things when he's around has made enough of a difference that I am losing. It's nice. I will tell you this, though. I get almost as frustrated about clothes that are too big as I do about clothes that are too small. It's aggrivating to try on four outfits and only have two options. And when you are losing, nothing fits just right, you're always in between. I usually take the squeezier clothes and rig them up with safety pins and rubber bands. I AM a dork. But I don't care, it's something I'm accepting about myself.

It is incredible what a difference eating right and exercising does for your spiritual and emotional health. I am so inspired to change everything when my body is under control. It makes me wonder if there is something to overeating that kind of lulls your senses to sleep. I can let so many things slide when I am full of something I ate way too much of. It's a terrible feeling that I am beginning to despise when I sense it coming. For what it's worth, there is something to this self-control thing.

All that to say this, here's a picture of me in a bikini so you can see my progress.













NOT!!! HAHAHAHAHA

Slavery and Righteousness

Master of all mastery
master me, please master me.
Master heart and soul and mind;
Find what only you can find.
Tame tempestuous the tide
of soul and flesh that war inside.
Where wrong will battle for the throne,
extend Your hand, make me Your own.
Master good intentions taught;
Surface treasured where truth ought.
Plow the stony surface deep;
Pluck away my soul to keep.
Master, my sweet Master, mine,
master me and make me Thine.

Plod on, plod on, plod on

There's nothing magical or fantastic about what's happening in our lives right now outside of the obvious... It's waiting. Waiting is happening. It's the everyday-waiting-for-the-phone-to-ring-watching-for-the-mailman- hoping-for-a-sign-from-heaven-no-word-from-anywhere waiting. It makes you question everything; is my heart not right, have I not learned a lesson, is someone close to me waiting for me to share Christ with them, is there something that has to happen in order for the walls of Jericho to fall down, or maybe we just miscounted our steps, did we make a mistake, an error in judgment?

I drew out a map of the coming events for the duration of the summer and as I looked at the encroaching weeks, tears filled my eyes. I had not grieved the loss of my expectations until that moment. My need to make the best of things and chronic optimism has forced me into a corner that some people might call reality. What I thought was going to happen, what I expected to happen, what I almost knew was going to happen, hasn't happened. It's frustrating and aggravating and it makes you want to blame anyone in the game, and it's exasperating. We are exasperated. But in an attempt to be a buffer, I have neglected this torrent of emotion that has been brewing down in the pit of my stomach for a couple of weeks now. It's almost more than I can bear.

Now, in the grand scheme of things, it's only been one month and three days since we submitted our application to Washington DC. I documented it for this very reason; we mailed it June 7th. Which, for a job application, is a long wait, but for a submission for consideration in a federal position, it's a worthy wait. And maybe it's that persistent optimism or maybe it's my default view of the character of God, but I can almost see in the supernatural, that when the pieces all fall into place, or are carefully placed rather, it will be spectacular, the things that God does for us. Maybe I'm naive to think that. I believe it's an issue of reaping and sowing. We have worked really hard for this and according to Proverbs, hard work never neglects to bring a return, there is always a harvest.

So once again, here I am waging war with my emotions, some days I can keep running hard and other days I want to run away, just move with our friends and start a quiet life in a little town writing books under a nom de plum and raising our children. But under that sweet dream of a quiet life, I know it's not there, it's not in the plan.

If you are my friend, and you know Jesus Christ, please pray for us. The waiting is sucking us dry.

Everywhere

Since I was a teenager I led worship in youth group, church meetings, the local rally at the park... I thought it was the crown jewel of all church positions to lead worship, thus making me the crown jewel. (I am embarrassed to admit that.) It was like I was something when I was behind the piano with a microphone. I never believed I was the greatest singer or that I had phenomenal gifts for worship, I just thought I had a special anointing, like it was what I was born to do. And then when we moved to Missouri I took on the glamorous position of Certified Nurse's Aide. That means I do everything that a higher paid, more educated person doesn't want to do, the jobs that are beneath them. I used to quake every time someone told me to do something petty because they didn't want to walk up the hall. I would think, "Do you have any idea who I am and what I'm capable of?" and the Holy Spirit would whisper into my heart "This is who you are, are you capable of it?" As in, if anyone wants to be great in God's kingdom, he has to learn to be a servant of all. It took me a long time to embrace the fact that the road to greatness is paved with grievous tasks and menial chores, it's a life of doing what no one else is willing to do.

People have this concept of ministry and think it's full of glory and acclaimades, but it's a difficult burden to bear the call of God; but when He calls your name, it's so humbling and awe-inspiring that there's nothing you can do but follow. Imagine Jesus calls you out of a crowd and says, "I want you, go with me." He plays the flute of the pied piper and I dance through the fire right behind Him because I am still so enamored with the fact that He called my name. He calls your name.

I am listening to the soul songs of Rita Springer, one of the few who know the truth about worship. Everything I used to believe about worship has changed. I have even wondered if there was any value to corporate worship, which in my studies I have confirmed that yes, there is definitely value in worshiping together as one voice in the house of God. It just seems to have become such a show of talent and ability, a big horse and pony show for whomever is chosen to shine for the week. When was the last time you got on your knees following the leader who wept in the presence of God, and not for show, but for the sake of being in the presence of God? It's five songs, a segue into the prayer time, and some sort of a tag jazzed up to get everyone ready for the offering. What I have found is that true worship, true spiritual worship is found in walking in obedience to God. He lays the path and we walk it as a living sacrifice. And how much more precious when we pour out our hearts in worship to Him in a quiet place away from the world where no one else is listening? And then to present an offering with the whole family of God together... It's the combination. I can not imagine that singing for a half hour and crying and giving "a sacrifice of praise" once a week is much value, if any, to God if nothing else is in its proper place.

If you can find this song on-line, download it. It's just fantastic, a song of private worship so beautifully expressed in song... but just the text is so powerful too. Ladies and Gentlemen, Ms. Rita Springer:

EVERYWHERE
Oh the way the sea
crashes on the shore
And with endless praise
glorifies Your name
Oh the mountains green
stand with faithful feet
Raise to point their song
and declare You King

I can see you everywhere
All around me in the air
You surround my heart with songs of rare belief
Creation groans and leans on You
How I wish that I could too
Teach me more to be... like... You

You wrap yourself in light and You ride upon the wind
You cause the sun to shine and obey to rise again
Of You I stand in awe and I'm filled with words to say
All of who You are is why I want to stay

I can see You everywhere
All around me in the air
You surround my heart with songs of rare belief
Creation groans and leans on You
How I wish that I could too
Teach me more to be like You...

I can see you everywhere
All around me everywhere
You surround my heart with songs of rare belief
Creation groans and leans on You
How I wish that I could too
Teach me more to be like You

Hey, Ladies~

Is this someone's idea of a sick joke, or I am reverting back to puberty? My face is breaking out like I'm 14 going to the dance at the skating rink on Thursday night! YIPES! It's not funny, and it's not nice. So, naturally I got on the internet to research my new complexion, and at 30, it's normal!?!? I'm a pimple-faced freak!

On the other hand, in honor of our nation's freedom and the celebration therein, I made a big bucket of frozen ice cream; five ingredients, such natural yummy deliciousness, and a new frozen dessert made with nutter butter cookies and a cream cheese, a little layer of chocolate, whipped cream, and sugar. Yowzah! That thing may not make it to the bar-b-que. I just took a little bite after freezing it all night, and look out girls, it's better than a reeces peanut butter cup blizzard. (which has 500 calories in a small we just discovered...) I used lite cool whip and lite sour cream and it's still fantastic.

I ran into a girl I used to know, at Wal-Mart today, mother of 6, separated from her husband, living between her step-mom and a has-been dj, partying, losing weight, and looking... dead. I couldn't even fake the funny sweet girl I am sometimes. I just half smiled and said, "wow..." All I could think about was, "Where are you children? It's the 4th of July." It broke my heart. I can't celebrate her new forty pounds less figure knowing she'd be flinging it around a pole this weekend.

I'm studying the gospel of John. Within the first five verses, the Lord is introduced as LIGHT. "in Him was life, and the life was the LIGHT of men." And in the Light is the life. Along this journey, I have prayed, and begged, and pleaded with God to let me taste abundant life, the life, that He promised us. I can tell you honestly that I am living the life. I have found that abundance and it has been a long time coming, but I will never abandon the Source of life because apart from Him there is only darkness. It frustrates me that people would deny Him their souls when the return is so great. What is so worth hanging on to in this world when there is so much to gain apart from it? Find Him, He seeks you now.