Moments

Every time I come into this little room, I think about writing something and then I'm whisked away in the next second to one of my many duties here and tell myself I'll write soon and that you all understand.

Let me just say, this is way harder than I thought it was going to be; not when I read that our miracle was on it's way on that little stick in the bathroom ten months ago, I knew it'd be hard then. But when I gallantly told you all that we were planning to have six kids when it was all said and done, I didn't anticipate the gravity of that reality. I mean, we've had a baby in almost every difficult circumstance that our lives could possibly produce, so aside from being eight million miles from home, things are relatively stable this time and I thought it would be a little more simple than this. I mean, God has placed us right where He wanted us with Dale's career, we have great insurance, I am not working so I can be here with the baby, our school program is extremely flexible which means if we have to work the weekends, we can... all things considered, it should have been more simple than this.

The baby isn't fussy or demanding most of the time, but for stints of the day, every day, she wants me all to herself for a few hours together. That's when I start to feel panicked. When the floor is covered with random pieces of Leila's clothing and a few toys, there is trash just out of my reach, and the dining room table needs to be cleaned off by an adult after the meal, that's when I start to wonder how I'm going to juggle all of this.

And then I remember just to do one thing at a time, the next most pressing thing, and once I get that done I gotta do the next thing. With that said, it's getting better. But it's still tough and I am not nice yet, so add the guilt of outbursts throughout the day to the hustle to get things done while she is quiet, I don't know. It's going to be like this for a while.

I will say that having familiar faces in my house for the past few weeks has made my perspective a little less skewed. My mom and dad were here for a week and then my brother was here for a day and my sister just went home today. Dale's parents will be here soon... It has really taken the edge off our achy hearts, especially in this really critical time.

Thank you for hanging in there with me. I am hoping to do some writing of substance soon, but no deadlines yet. More pictures next week!!!

One Last Time

I can't shake the feeling of relief I have every time I look at this baby. I am so relieved that I will never have to endure the difficulties of pregnancy, labor, delivery, and the wonder of postpartum recovery. I must sound like a broken record to my family, because every morning I wake up and think, "I am one day closer to being myself again." And with that, maybe staying myself for a while... But at the same time, I have this overwhelming sense of relief that God entrusted to us one more life, that I will get to hold this tiny bundle of life in my arms and watch her tiny face experience the world as new everyday. I might not have decided to go ahead with number six if He hadn't surprised us with her. And I was so worried about what life would be like with another girl, but now it seems so natural. God knew we needed her and that she needed us. And He gave her a real sturdy set of lungs to make sure that she can be heard no matter what kind of chaos is taking place inside these four walls.
I adore her; she is such a miracle. And I'm surviving; I know some of you are wondering. It's a moment-by-moment journey that I cannot guarantee, in any regard, any sense of normalcy. But I don't have to because my life only demands the minimum of me right now, and I can oblige that much. I still haven't had a good cry, but it will come; wait, I can pretty much guarantee that, and most likely at the most inopportune time. Mostly right now I'm grateful that we have food in the freezer and the baby is resting in her little basket happily. There's a lot of work to do, and I could really use a donut and a cup of coffee, but I'll settle for graham crackers if it means I don't have to leave my refuge for another day or two.

Reflections

I should have waited for a few years to have babies... I know you can't undo your life, and we do the best we can for what we know in our youth, but if there was just one thing I could roll time back and redo, I'd have to change my methods of parenting right from the get-go.

After number three, I started telling people I was going to journal my life with my new baby and publish it: the way I set up a baby on a schedule, the feedings, the sleeping, the resolve to let the baby sleep alone. I thought I really had it together; that should have been my first clue.

I can't remember what it was like for me the first few days out of the hospital- out of five times, I don't remember anything about those first few weeks except crying a lot and watching every minute pass on the clock while I was nursing.

With Leila, I did some research on the wise and all-knowing Internet and found that my methods were not only discouraged by real doctors, pediatricians, but those very things I founded my practice on were harmful to the baby. I tried to let her cry for a few nights, but the knot in my stomach drove me to this research, which said that if you try to train a baby to go to sleep on it's own too early, it can be extremely frightening for the child and have lasting repercussions. Not only that, but a baby is not capable of manipulation in those early months so spoiling is not even in their ballpark. Crying is a baby's only method of communication so when the cry is not responded to, it gives them a very real sense of abandonment. It was a difficult reality for me and I cried and cried over the months of agony I put my other babies through.

Armed with this new information, Leila survived infant-hood without having to scream herself to sleep and goes to her own bed on her own every night, and stays there all night long. She's the first one with that I can say that about. The other kids go to bed and for the most part stay there, but even as school-aged children I can see the ripple effect from my choices way back then.

When I brought Deisha home, I felt like a new parent. My old methods were clearly not an option and I had never tried any other ways so I felt a little lost our first night. What I decided was that rather then force my rule that my kids would never sleep in our bed, I would just give her what she needed. So I put her next to me, fed her when she woke up, and we had a simple, quiet night. I didn't sleep very hard, but I slept.

I've continued to do this every night and I can't believe it; already shes more settled when I put her down, she is nursing perfectly, and I don't feel any resentment about feeding or not sleeping. Somehow it's going much more smoothly than any time before. And it makes sense, I mean, here is this tiny baby that has been in my womb, and almost immediately, before, I would try to establish this routine to promote my re-entry to independence, to insure that my life is convenient. But really, this little one needs food much more often than every three hours, and she needs to feel the assurance of my presence close by. Why would I sacrifice that for predictability??? I don't know... it must be part of life, learning to own up to your mistakes and accept what's best in exchange for what seems easier.

We've got a baby!

Deisha Hazel Raine Sutton arrived at 9:02 Monday morning.
She weighed 7 pounds 9 ounces, 20 inches long, decible of cry- off the charts. More to come...

P.S.

I am so in love with him.

Pinewood Derby: The Real Deal

When I was in the seventh grade, I took shop class for the first time. Unbeknownst to me upon enrollment, one of the areas of study was a pinewood derby. Without any understanding of symmetry or drag or anything of the sort, I designed an orange hammerhead-shaped car that didn't place in any category, but I was really proud of that car.
So when it was time to buy kits for the Awana derby, I got really revved up thinking we'd be spending hours sanding, painting, meticulously placing stickers, and then shellacking them up to race at top speed. Or Dale would do it and I would snap pictures and enjoy the busyness of the project from afar.
But like a lot of things on my agenda, this little project got put on the back burner until the very last day. Oh, we had them cut at church so the kids all had their designs picked out and the shape in progress, but they were all just choppy blocks of wood sitting on dressers and in drawers.
The prior post was Wednesday, turn in day. We had to forgo that morning our academic responsibilities in order for the paint to be dry by afternoon so that we would be able to attach the stickers before 6:30: Go Time.
We spent part of the morning sanding and the rest of it painting, and somehow we managed to get them to the church on time without a sticky, paint-stained mess. Tre's car really got the raw deal. One of the guys that cut the block into a shape nicked the axle slot so that his wheels couldn't stay attached. Being a mother not lacking in ingenuity, I got out the hot glue gun and went to work fastening in that axle.

You can imagine my surprise when this happened. Tre's car is the brown, striped, half-painted one. They raced all the finalists on each lane because some of the lanes were milliseconds slower than the others. (You'd have thought we were at the Indy 500 the way some of these fellas were bantering over the right way to run the show.) But he won every race, on every lane, every time. It was pretty exciting.

He's still glowing from his victory... Look out universe, there's a new race car driver in town. Don't judge me for catching the man hanging his baby upside-down in the backgroud. I don't even KNOW that guy!

Pinewood Derby Preparations

In case you were wondering, we still don't have a baby. Hopefully by Monday we will have big news and lots to tell. Pray that my body kicks in on its own soon!!!