On losing

If I have learned anything this year, it's this: God doesn't owe us anything, and He doesn't do things our way. It's a sweet stiff shot of "Trust me". And I mean to say, a stiff shot; a dose of hard medicine prescribed to initiate total dependency on Christ. All of our marriage we have lived fast and tried to follow God's leading, as far as being where He wanted us to be and doing what we thought He wanted us to do. Contrary to what is advised in Scripture, I tend to trust in what I feel. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Our little adventure has never put me quite so at ease as the move to Missouri. I have always been excited about the next chapter no matter where it was, but when we moved here it was different. It was like we had found a place to land; I was content and at peace with our lives, really for the first time. Every other place was volatile and and unstable more often than not, I knew we had to be here for three years to finish school and that we were right where He wanted us to be. It was reassuring and safe.

So the thought of moving, while everything seemed to line up, made me nervous. Even with the possibility of financial security, real benefits, a house that fits, and opportunities for advancement and retirement; the possibility of change made me nervous despite the excitement. *It may be that way no matter where we go or when.* With that said, I was still sad when Dale asked me if I wanted the bad news or the really bad news. I still cried most of the day and then fell apart when our car wouldn't start at his parents' house that night. Everything seems so insecure, even though we have never gone hungry- unless it was on purpose- we've never slept in a car- unless we were trying to evade curfew rules in college- and we've never gone naked- in public. So it's not like there is any real instability. God has not broken any promises, more like we have broken ours by being shaken by not getting the job I thought we deserved.

Sometimes you think that you want what He won't let you have even if it's not His will... crazy, I know, but you think you can make it work. You can't. When you do what He wants you to do, you can do impossible things because He can make it work. So now it's just a waiting game; I believe it's one of the greatest virtues of the Christian faith not mentioned in the Word: waiting for His leading and maintaining dignity in the process. Patience doesn't seem to get around what I'm talking about here. Maybe that's what the NKJ means when it lists longsuffering as fruit of the spirit. Sometimes you look like a fool for doing it, but He doesn't care what you look like. So really, why do I care?

I had a friend in college that used to pray "strip away the pride, Lord" so often that it was almost like a mantra. I took it to heart and have repeated that line often for myself. I didn't know He would take me so literally and start with the superficial then take off the next layer and the next and work it down till nothing in me suffered at loss of vanity or status. I'm hardly there, but the work continues. It's a grueling process, but if it gets me to my goal of being "the sweet, sweet face of Jesus" to my husband and children, good times and bad, then by all means, "strip away the pride, Lord."

Honestly, I didn't want to write about it or talk about it or bawl about it because it seemed silly. If God doesn't want us there, I don't want to go, rather, I shouldn't want to go. We've been to Mississippi and frankly, it wasn't on my "Places to Revisit" list. Not even close to the bottom. So if God doesn't want us there, I don't want to pout about it.

It's a good thing, I know it is in my heart... but it's a hard thing to wait. And I don't want to wait anymore. I want to know and go. And then be there for a long time. But there's no guarantee and there's no way to know until it's time, so for now... onward ho. Back at it.

You win some, you lose some.

You gotta give a little, take a little, and let your poor heart break a little; That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
As long as there's the two of us, we've got the world and all it's charms, and when the world is through with us, we've got each others' arms; You've got to win a little, lose a little, and even have the blues a little;
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.

Reason is always a kind of brute force; those who appeal to the head rather than the heart, however pallid and polite, are necessarily men of violence. We speak of 'touching' a man's heart, but we can do nothing to his head but hit it. GK Chesterton

Days of Yore

Forty hours of vacation earned in nursing comes out to a week off with time to spare so I scheduled my first week off and made a flying trip back to Nebraska. Sandysendbigpresent moved into a new house a couple of years ago that I've never seen and has had two babies since the last time I saw her, so it was an overdue trip. We spent a chaotic first night in her house with a total of nine children under foot, including three two and under, three preschoolers, and three grade schoolers. At one point she said, "You know how something seems like a good idea when you are making plans for it and then you get into and you think, 'what was I thinking?'" Our usual late night conversation ended early after countless interruptions from children. Needless to say the patriarch of the house slept in the basement.Kennedy has wanted to cut her hair off for at least two years now. Dale promised her she could do it on her 12th (how would you write that out? twelfth?) birthday, after some convincing. Unbeknownst to her he bumped it up and told me she could do it when on her birthday next month. Our sweet Gabby was my first choice to do the job and being that she works in a salon, I knew she could get the hair to locks of love so we scheduled our day around our appointment with her. The new liberty in making personal hair decisions shone it's light on Tre as well who wanted a faux hawk. After running from house to house all morning, we met her and she did an amazing work of art on both of them. (Kennedy will be posting pictures on her blog very soon!!!)It was really strange to be back in Fremont. Driving down Nye I felt de ja vue and sitting at the Taylors' kitchen table was just like old times. My best friend Mendy was standing on her deck waving us in at the end of her journey. No px, but such a great way to end the trip. Sis took some video, so we captured a few minutes of princess Maddie, Big B, and Bendy Mendy in their cozy apartment. It was fun while it lasted, but as always, it's good to be home. Send me your pictures Suzy and Becky! Thanks to everyone that fed us and gave us shelter and clothes for the farm and let us use your bathroom and mess up your kids' rooms and reminded us that people love us there. Kennedy asked us why so many people loved us and if we were "kind of like--famous". It seems like such a long time ago, like it wasn't real. But you all knew us when we showed up at your door so I guess that confirms it. It was real. xoxo

One more thing to all of you. There was a huge division in that city that never should've happened. I know things change, but you're all still there in the same town within just a few miles of each other. Calvary Temple had something that few churches have anymore in their congregations and that's community; it always felt like family there even when things were really bad. The people there really loved each other and took care of each other when one person was down. If there is any way to pull that crew back together, do it! Find each other and love each other and live the love of Christ to one another! Run together as a labor of love for the Kingdom of God!

Happy Birthday to Leila...

Sweet Leila is one. And what would we do without her? This precious little screeching bundle off beautiful innocent naughtiness... She is a ray of sunshine. And not too sure about the open flame on her birthday cake!

Jasmine's expression in this picture is enough to root my feet deep in the soil where I stand. I have everything this life can afford any one person. I have this chronic nagging that pulls and tears at my security and confidence as every day the phone doesn't ring. But really, who cares? What is there to be desired beyond these four walls? Is there really such a desperation in me for what the modern world deems security more than what God wills for our lives here, right now? Where is my faith in the Almighty? Why have I transplanted that precious well that was so abundant and full in Christ into my husband and myself and our ability to control things or not control things as is evidenced in our present situation? People say all the time, "It'll work out. Just wait." I know it will. I know it like I know I have another breath coming after this one; like I know my heart will beat another sixty beats in the next minute. So when I lie down and my mind spins like a top that never slows, I'm perplexed.

My sincerest apologies for the journal-esque posts recently. I get to work and I sit in front of a stack of books for hours before I crack one; inevitably something dramatic happens to deter my attention and then I put all the books away at 6am when the last shove of work happens and tell myself I'll study tomorrow. There are so many things pressing. I feel like I need to be writing and studying and slaving to accomplish all of the daily things that are required of me to maintain a household of eight. When I get to work, sometimes I just want to sit there and talk and laugh and not think. Study at home is so much more difficult because I don't have hours at a stretch. These are nothing but vain excuses for my negligence. When I don't study I don't have anything worthwhile to say. The battle of the day to day conundrum isn't very inspiring. Especially due to the fact the I've been toiling over this same issue for so long. I guess you're still reading if you're still reading.

So while my studies are not immediately beneficial to you today, here's one to grow on.

None can become fit for the future life, who hath not practiced himself for it now.
Augustine Bishop of Hippo, 430

Yup.

It's the emotional swing from elation to devastation that wears me out. It's good news, it's no news, it's good news, it's no news. I wish we could just have a crystal ball so that we'd know what to do, which would eliminate faith altogether and then we'd be empty, but full of confidence. The journey... it's all about the journey. Sometimes I think about the days and wish them away to the next stage, then other times I think about the end stages and hope I don't wish away the years because I can attest to the fact that sometimes the golden years are more like the tarnished years. I know it sounds really sad and pessimistic, but I see people that spend every day of the end of their lives locked inside a strange place with no one that knows their secrets or their favorites or their middle name. I just want to cherish the days for what they are *a gift* and not wish them away. I have never gone without. I have never suffered a loss that disfigured me beyond recognition. I have yet to experience poverty, even in though we've been in that tax bracket most of our marriage. We are rich. We are rich beyond ourselves with health and life and joy and the sweet taste of fall all around us... life is good because God is good. Shame on me if I wish away another minute of my life for something better because it just doesn't get better than this.