On writing

Starting to feel a little more normal... a lot more normal,
adding elements back one at a time, now if I could just
get away from that wretched devil
food that haunts me and lures me
into the lair of gluttony...

But in the grand scheme of things, I am feeling the balance
starting to come back to middle ground.
So many great things in my life,

I feel hopeful. I feel
more than hopeful, I am excited
about life.
I am excited about the potential of the
things that are happening in my life and

I wake up ready to start the day before I have to.
I am writing again
and that, my friends, is exciting.
Something about writing frees me.
I can't explain it; I know I've said it before, but

writing, like running, gives me the exhileration of flying.
Now, I've never flown
but I have been on a contraption that simulates flying
to a certain degree.
(The rip cord, it's a thrill ride at
World's of Fun that is like bungee cord jumping,
only you don't jump,
they strap you in and then
string you up and you
drop and fly through the air.)

So I can only guess
what flying must feel like
and this is the same thrill for me intellectually.
I love it.
I once read that writers cannot
not write, because it's not about the result
of the writing as much as
it is about the writing for the writer.
So adding that one simple element
has given me
a new lease on this new life.

So thank You God.
I know what it is that does it for me, and it's only because
You gave it to me.

Journey

Now blows the wind of change today just as the seasons pass;
And in my heart I tremble as the promise comes as last.
And yet I know that life is never just or right or true;
But I will cling incessantly to Him, He gets me through.

He's real and never failing, He's a diamond in the rough;
A standard for my vision and the hope in whom I trust.
He holds me as I tremble and speaks gently in the night;
Surrounds me with His kindness, pours His blessing as I fight.

Promises of courage never give much relief;
Until I've found my safety in the deep and safe reprieve.
It's ever climbing onward, ever looking to the end;
Up the mountains, down the valleys, with me journey, faithful friend.

Newness

Something about going home spawns growth. I see it most in my children, they always come home from Nana's saying new words or walking or potty trained... This time it's me. My journey there and back has given me a grasp on my world, or rather, a perspective that I have been scrambling to grasp and had yet to find. Sitting at the kitchen table with my parents turned the light on. It is the gravity of going back to the beginning- returning to my roots. I feel like I can see a little more clearly in order to remedy the "treading water forever" feelings.

I needed to find my footing on my own. And then I needed to come home because I can no longer find completion apart from Dale. He's my anchor. And then I needed to be with my family here, in the body of Christ. I need to worship with my brothers and sisters and eat with them and laugh with them. That's the air... In Christ I have life, and in that I have family and community and abundance. I have everything in the world, a deep resounding joy even if I'm teary, because I have found my place in the universe and it's right here. So thank You, Father, for sending us down the road least likely.

Changes

I was just telling a friend that even my dog is different. I feel like we've been here so long, but it's only been a couple of weeks; it just feels like we're settled. At the same time, we are not. So I'm scoffing at our poor little Scoo and saying he's whiny and clingy... In the meantime I was reading something that I wrote from Smalltown USA six weeks ago, and frankly, I'm not the same. It's strange. I feel like myself, I think I look like myself- except that I'm awake during the day and I *usually* sleep at night. But somehow, I'm not myself. My writing is not the same. My responses are not the same. I am have not become completely acclimated to our new life here. It's understandable. It's so new.

But one thing is real. One thing is the same, it's still true. God is here. He is here, and He is very real. I can never escape His watchful eye. His thoughts of me are endless. And that, my friends, is quite reassuring. I have always had this sort of made up idea of what "freedom" is. We sing about being free and having freedom. In my studies I have discovered that freedom is soul regeneration from death to life and in that not carrying dead weight through this life. But more than that, freedom is in God's sovereignty. Freedom is in belonging to Someone. And in all of that, all He wants from me is me.

I read an article about this hurried mother and her children that brings this into perspective. She was dragging her little one in to the day care provider's home so that she could get to work, but the little girl insisted on picking up a rock to give to the mother and one for her pocket. Her mother thanked her and cast it aside as they rushed up on the porch and into the house. As they entered, the care taker was also given a rock which she gratefully accepted and pocketed. The mother apologized and offered to take it out with her as she left, but the woman refused and lead the mother to the back porch where she watched as the woman dropped the little rock into a tub full of other rocks. She explained that while children are young, everything they have is given to them. They are given all of their clothes, their food, even the papers they color on are given by adults. So in order to give something away with sincerity, they find things that no one owns and offer them as gifts. She said she never refused a gift from a child. The woman set in her heart to do the same from that day on.

On a grander scale, everything I have is God's and so to give Him me, while it's sometimes a meager offering of weakness and poverty, He receives gladly because it's all He wants from me. It takes all the pressure off; it's makes living peaceably and with sincerity a sweet offering to Him and from Him. My life is His, all that I have have is His, everything else is peripheral.

2 Corinthians 2:14 But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him.

Sunshine and fallen leaves

Life moves pretty fast sometimes. I keep wondering when I'll wake up and think, "Self, how did I get here?" Letting the days go by... I want to run. It's the lacking element in my day. I want to put on my running shoes and hit the road fast. It's just that the weight of this new burden overwhelms my body and when I sit down my eyes start to close, so I'm hesitant to expend energy on something that, at this point, is trivial. I want to save it all up. The reality is that if I were running, I'd be tapping the surplus tank and I'd have more at the end of the day. Isn't that weird? You sit all day and you're tired. You work out and you add hours to your day... Who knew?

Speaking of weird, is it November 8th and 74 degrees outside? We played in the leaves yesterday and it was just amazing. The kids had a ball! It's one of my treasured fall favorites that I thought we'd miss by having the cold creep in before we got to it. Unfortunately all our raking was in vain as each child laid claim to his own pile and some refused to bag theirs. While the neighbors all around are working like busy beavers to blow and rake to keep their yards in tact, we are in a constant blizzard of leaves. And frankly, it's not a big deal to me. Someday my life will afford me the pleasure of a neat and tidy yard full of love and attention. Not right now.

So here's to you, overzealous leaf blower guy... thumbs up from this side of the fence. And to you sandysendbigpresent- no thinking on this one.

And then there is life

We have officially been here a week and it feels like it's been a year. One of the great things about true friends is that they don't stop when the miles separate you or the busyness separates you. We were sitting in the living room yesterday with someone I thought I'd never see again. It's been four years since the last time, and all the sudden it felt like it had only been days. God has mended this gap of time that drew us away from here, only to patch us back in.

I know we're different, we've grow up... but we're still who we are and that's what I love about life in Christ. He gives You an identity that you're proud to wear. Because under it all, I know that I'm nothing. I have nothing to offer except the ugliness that I was born into this life with. But in Christ there is no end to the well of resources because I draw from Him. It's satisfying and I love it. He is my hope, and my joy, and the reason I sing, and apart from Him there is no life.

So let me live, Sweet Jesus, in the shadow of Your wings. And when You soar, pick me up and take me to the heights. And when you dip into the valley of the shadow of death, hold me close and banish fear. For You are the life that I live.

Lover of My Soul

Oh that my weakness would wither away... to be strengthened by You, to be given to You. Oh that my cowardly shallowness fade, to be striven in You, to be living in You. For my lostness is found when I lose me in You. And my hopelessness mounds when I stray far from You. I'm a fool to be down when my life comes from You. Make me live, make me laugh, make me love, all for You.