For the last three days, I have woken up like a hungry mama bear; mean, crabby, and bossy. Some days I just don't want to do this anymore. You know what I mean? I wake up to a fussy baby, usually have to spank one kid before nine o'clock, spend the next four hours juggling teaching, prodding, cleaning, entertaining, and disciplining all at the same time. It's hard. It takes all my energy and all my emotional fortitude to get through it. Fortunately, I usually have the option to take a nap, which is like a prize awaiting me in the middle of the day.
I have a few support people in education that are quick to tell me that my discontent is called spring fever, and it's brimming in the heart of every school-aged child. The end of the school year is in sight, the sun is shining and begging us to come out and play, and we just don't want to finish. It's a battle of wills to finish the race, but in spite of the dragging of my heavy feet, we manage to get through each day and eventually the weekend arrives.
Our week is a little jacked up in that Dale is home two days in a row in the middle of the week, so technically, I have two Mondays. On the flip side of that jagged edge, I also have two Fridays. And even though we have school on his days off, we have two weekends. It's a love/hate thing. Some days I just don't want to do it.
The thing is, I have these really great kids. And whenever I start to dream of being somewhere else, I lay out all my options and try to decide what I'd rather be doing. I could have a 9-5, I could live a life of solidarity and quiet, I could be running the streets and living la vida loca. Even on my worst days, I always come back to the fact that this is what I want. I want to be surrounded with the noise and chaos that comes with the life I've chosen. I wouldn't change anything about the path that we've taken. It's what I always wanted and I really love it. Sometimes I'm just too lazy to cope.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Mothers Day, WOO!!!!
I have this really great mom. As a kid I don't think I ever acknowledged how wonderful she was. I certainly didn't make it easy for her by any stretch, I only gave her severe guilt when I felt that my argument was stronger than her silence. God has this funny way of bringing things back around, and now that I've managed to take ownership of her shoes and found myself journeying on her path, there is no denying it. She is really great. Amazing, actually. And I really love her.
I married this really dreamy guy. One of the things about him that made my heart flutter was listening to him talk about his mom; the dude loved his mom and made no bones about it. Now that she's a part of my family I get it. She's lovey; you can't not love her. And I really love her too.
On my first mothers day I stood up on the stage at First Assembly of God Life Centre in Emporia as a newly wed just a few months pregnant. I had a chance to ask some of the older, more experienced mothers for advice. I didn't have any questions about parenting yet, so I asked what I could do about my stretch marks. Everyone laughed for several minutes and to this day I'm not sure if I should be embarrassed about that question. I'm thankful to be years past that and have a little experience under my belt now.
I will say this about motherhood, it is the most gratifying and soul-stripping experience that I have had to date. In the first few weeks, you are flooded with the adoration of an awe-struck husband that is more in love with you and this little bundle than you have ever seen him. You have your own emotions coming in giant waves of euphoria and insecurity; I remember every time I made eye contact with Kennedy for more than a second, I cried because I loved her so much and was terrified at the same time. Then the night time comes, the deprivation of sleep comes, and all the sudden everything you've been waiting for and living for in this baby, you are ready to toss out the window. Talk about highs and lows. And it doesn't stop after the baby starts sleeping, it just changes.
For me, knowing that this is what I was designed for makes it that much more satisfying. All I've ever wanted in this life was to be a wife and mother, to have my own family to nurture. That's what I've got. Funny, at any given moment I may jump out of this chair and stomp into another room to take apart a fight or bark orders, but it's my life; highs and lows usually in the same few minutes. And I really love it.
So here's to all of you Moms. May the blessings of your children fill your life with depth and joy and character and mercy. xoxo b
I married this really dreamy guy. One of the things about him that made my heart flutter was listening to him talk about his mom; the dude loved his mom and made no bones about it. Now that she's a part of my family I get it. She's lovey; you can't not love her. And I really love her too.
On my first mothers day I stood up on the stage at First Assembly of God Life Centre in Emporia as a newly wed just a few months pregnant. I had a chance to ask some of the older, more experienced mothers for advice. I didn't have any questions about parenting yet, so I asked what I could do about my stretch marks. Everyone laughed for several minutes and to this day I'm not sure if I should be embarrassed about that question. I'm thankful to be years past that and have a little experience under my belt now.
I will say this about motherhood, it is the most gratifying and soul-stripping experience that I have had to date. In the first few weeks, you are flooded with the adoration of an awe-struck husband that is more in love with you and this little bundle than you have ever seen him. You have your own emotions coming in giant waves of euphoria and insecurity; I remember every time I made eye contact with Kennedy for more than a second, I cried because I loved her so much and was terrified at the same time. Then the night time comes, the deprivation of sleep comes, and all the sudden everything you've been waiting for and living for in this baby, you are ready to toss out the window. Talk about highs and lows. And it doesn't stop after the baby starts sleeping, it just changes.
For me, knowing that this is what I was designed for makes it that much more satisfying. All I've ever wanted in this life was to be a wife and mother, to have my own family to nurture. That's what I've got. Funny, at any given moment I may jump out of this chair and stomp into another room to take apart a fight or bark orders, but it's my life; highs and lows usually in the same few minutes. And I really love it.
So here's to all of you Moms. May the blessings of your children fill your life with depth and joy and character and mercy. xoxo b
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Easter and Spring
This year instead of hunting at the park, we opted to do an indoor egg hunt because of the 1000 mph winds. I waited until everything was marked down to 50% off and surprised the kids with this little adventure. They didn't mind waiting until after the holiday.
I couldn't believe how excited they were about this. I keep thinking my kids are outgrowing the wonders of childhood, but they aren't. The oldest ones still get just as excited at the little ones. I love it!
Before the big hunt, I had the kids put on their Easter clothes so that I could take some pictures. We are blessed to have moms on both sides that love to sew and love to shower our kids with these hand-made dresses. The boys get other kinds of hand-made treasures so they didn't really have anything to dress up in, and they didn't mind either. Instead, Micah chose to do an action shot.
Tre put on his "tuxedo" and did this pose; the other one was even funnier- I'll have to use it another time. He just cracks me up. He's had this suit since he was three. I don't know how it fit then and still fits, barely, but it's on. I keep saving it to give away, but he just keeps dragging it out and putting it on. Skinny dude lives on salad and quesadillas. 
Leila was napping until just before the egg hunt and I couldn't convince her to put on either one of her dresses. I'll have to catch her in them the next time and post the pics. Both dresses are really cute! Her daddy bought this one on their special day; she wore it for several days in a row. I don't mind though. To tell you the truth, if I had this dress, I'd wear it for several days in a row too.
This is the outfit my mom made for Kennedy. SO ADORABLE! Kennedy is very specific about what she wants and somehow my mom nails it every time. She made the same style for Jasmine, but we couldn't find all the pieces at the same time for the picture. Hers is really cute too. I will try to take pictures the next time they wear them, Mom.
Dana made this one for Deisha. I love it! The grandmas were on the same wave link this year because they both used purple, Leila's "fwavorite colorr!"
These are the matching dresses Dana made for the girls. So pretty and summery! Kennedy looks six feet tall! 
Poor Deisha. I don't know how she can possibly be sad when she looks this cute! She had little bloomers and a bib that match her dress too, but I had to made some alterations to the britches so they'd stay on. I'm not sure, but I think after this dress arrived, my mom had to start a waiting list on orders for bubble dresses!
And last but not least here we are, me and Dale, all full of Easter, springy bliss. I love him.Friday, May 08, 2009
Happy Days
This afternoon I was wandering around my house like a lost puppy. We've been in a whirlwind of activity this week and I had the strangest reaction to it.
For one thing, Deisha is now officially one. A year ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and found myself looking down a long dark tunnel with no sign of light anywhere near the end and a baby screaming in my ear day and night. It seemed-- dismal, to say the least. Now here we are a year later, a full school year past, and we all managed to survive. She's made a home for herself in the boys' closet, has started walking, and is mimicking phrases like a pro. She was the feistiest one in the nursery from day one of her life in the hospital, and she has become the feistiest child in the house to boot. Tonight while we were sitting in the parking lot while the kids ran track, she made it clear that if anyone attempted to take something out of her hand, she would launch a blood-curdling scream shrill enough to wake the dead and long enough to resound for a three-mile radius. My children can attest to this- the ones that were a quarter of a mile away running on the track. It's like overnight my baby became a toddler.
We also participated in California state testing this week, which is an event in and of itself. For my little home schooled children, a week in a classroom full of other children is the greatest week on the calendar. (More on that later...) Monday morning, we get up early and headed out the door at 8:15 to be in town by 9 for the first day of testing. The girls got their clothes out and set their alarms so that they would be fresh and ready. The boys were chattering excitedly all the way there. We pull into the parking lot to find only two other cars and a couple of parents glancing around watching for teachers. Luckily, someone had the teacher's number in their phone and got the message that the testing would start Tuesday morning. Like a responsible, frustrated parent, I drove straight home and sent a stern e-mail to my teacher to let her know that this was unprofessional and I would need to know exactly what was going on for the rest of the week. She sent me a hearty apology right away with an attachment of the email she had sent the week before. Wow... I felt really dumb. Later in the afternoon, she sent me a second sincere apology and along with the second attachment of the email she had sent three days before. OOPS! I guess I didn't exactly read every word of that one either... gotta love it when you lay down the law and it's your own mistake. I tucked my tail and responded with my own apology. The rest of the week went off without a hitch, but by Thursday, my kids were tired, and crabby, and crying about the silliest things. It was a lot of drama.
Besides the birthday and the testing, it was correctional worker's week. Last year, I had delivered a baby Monday, and Tuesday night climbed out of the car, newborn in tow, and walked into the training center to partake in the free food. It was such a relief to be able to tell my mom that she wouldn't have to cook all week, the bureau was treating us all every night! But that was all it amounted to for me, free food, no clean up.
This year, I found myself wandering up there around three or four o'clock even though we never eat dinner before 5:30. There was something about being in that kind of a social setting, children running around, people laughing; there was no pressure to be anything by myself. I had lots of time to visit, and watch people, and meet people. It was reassuring to me, for some reason.
I've thought about this a lot today, being the first day of nothing extra on the agenda since last Sunday. I found myself wishing that it would go just a few more days. It's not that I don't talk to people , because I spend a lot of time talking on the phone on the weekends and through the week I have some neighbors that I run into here and there. It has become, however, extremely rare to be around that many people socializing these days. I didn't realize it, but I miss it terribly. My life has always been crowded with people until now. (I say that sort of tongue-in-cheek, considering our housing situation!!) Out here in Timbuktu when it comes to doing anything social, it's the Suttons hanging with the Suttons. I wouldn't say that's a bad thing, it's really a blessing when you are forced to take stock of what you've got; especially when your bag is as full as mine. But I miss the chemistry that happens when you start mixing people up. It's something that God must enjoy very much. Life at His house is going to be really gratifying, I'm sure.
For one thing, Deisha is now officially one. A year ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and found myself looking down a long dark tunnel with no sign of light anywhere near the end and a baby screaming in my ear day and night. It seemed-- dismal, to say the least. Now here we are a year later, a full school year past, and we all managed to survive. She's made a home for herself in the boys' closet, has started walking, and is mimicking phrases like a pro. She was the feistiest one in the nursery from day one of her life in the hospital, and she has become the feistiest child in the house to boot. Tonight while we were sitting in the parking lot while the kids ran track, she made it clear that if anyone attempted to take something out of her hand, she would launch a blood-curdling scream shrill enough to wake the dead and long enough to resound for a three-mile radius. My children can attest to this- the ones that were a quarter of a mile away running on the track. It's like overnight my baby became a toddler.
We also participated in California state testing this week, which is an event in and of itself. For my little home schooled children, a week in a classroom full of other children is the greatest week on the calendar. (More on that later...) Monday morning, we get up early and headed out the door at 8:15 to be in town by 9 for the first day of testing. The girls got their clothes out and set their alarms so that they would be fresh and ready. The boys were chattering excitedly all the way there. We pull into the parking lot to find only two other cars and a couple of parents glancing around watching for teachers. Luckily, someone had the teacher's number in their phone and got the message that the testing would start Tuesday morning. Like a responsible, frustrated parent, I drove straight home and sent a stern e-mail to my teacher to let her know that this was unprofessional and I would need to know exactly what was going on for the rest of the week. She sent me a hearty apology right away with an attachment of the email she had sent the week before. Wow... I felt really dumb. Later in the afternoon, she sent me a second sincere apology and along with the second attachment of the email she had sent three days before. OOPS! I guess I didn't exactly read every word of that one either... gotta love it when you lay down the law and it's your own mistake. I tucked my tail and responded with my own apology. The rest of the week went off without a hitch, but by Thursday, my kids were tired, and crabby, and crying about the silliest things. It was a lot of drama.
Besides the birthday and the testing, it was correctional worker's week. Last year, I had delivered a baby Monday, and Tuesday night climbed out of the car, newborn in tow, and walked into the training center to partake in the free food. It was such a relief to be able to tell my mom that she wouldn't have to cook all week, the bureau was treating us all every night! But that was all it amounted to for me, free food, no clean up.
This year, I found myself wandering up there around three or four o'clock even though we never eat dinner before 5:30. There was something about being in that kind of a social setting, children running around, people laughing; there was no pressure to be anything by myself. I had lots of time to visit, and watch people, and meet people. It was reassuring to me, for some reason.
I've thought about this a lot today, being the first day of nothing extra on the agenda since last Sunday. I found myself wishing that it would go just a few more days. It's not that I don't talk to people , because I spend a lot of time talking on the phone on the weekends and through the week I have some neighbors that I run into here and there. It has become, however, extremely rare to be around that many people socializing these days. I didn't realize it, but I miss it terribly. My life has always been crowded with people until now. (I say that sort of tongue-in-cheek, considering our housing situation!!) Out here in Timbuktu when it comes to doing anything social, it's the Suttons hanging with the Suttons. I wouldn't say that's a bad thing, it's really a blessing when you are forced to take stock of what you've got; especially when your bag is as full as mine. But I miss the chemistry that happens when you start mixing people up. It's something that God must enjoy very much. Life at His house is going to be really gratifying, I'm sure.
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