Moments... from CBC

I'll say yes Lord yes
To Your will and to Your way
I'll say yes Lord yes
I will trust You and obey
When Your Spirit speaks to me
With my whole heart I'll agree
And my answer will be yes Lord yes

Heavy things

For four years we have been out of conventional ministry and serving as lay people in the church on various levels. Sheffield has proven to be a safe landing pad for us in past two years, but our feet starting to shuffle in anticipation of the next step and so we ventured out on a whim to visit a new church just to change things up. I am always curious to see how things run in different churches across the county, it's like being in someone else's house. I am also very critical when I walk into a church as I have learned not to throw the welcome mat to my heart out for every person that needs a place to wipe their feet. I was pleasantly surprised to be warmly greeted by not only those posted at the door, but also people at several stations along the way as we were taken to the childrens corner of the building and carefully instructed as to where they would be and what they would be doing. The music was good, the message was good, the service was good. A guy that met us at the door even remembered Dale's name and invited us to his home group. It was pleasant and comfortable and I would definitely go back and even consider attending a home group and a Sunday school class. I am fairly confident that given time, we would be able to not only connect to this fellowship of believers, but also find a place for ourselves there. It is set up right. And a year ago that would have been enough for me. That would have been exactly what I was looking for in a church. Not anymore.

I tend to set the standard too high. I have astronomical expectations for a lot of things outside of myself. Maybe I'm too much of an idealist, I always have been. I don't like to believe that the reality of the right now is the best that I am going to get. I want more... I WANT MORE. When I think about the body of Christ and everything that I know in my four page portfolio of information on life and God and church and the whole universe, I can put together about a pinhole's view of life in the New Testament church, but from what I can tell, those people were RADICAL. They gave it all for the kingdom; they sold everything they had and put all their money in a pot and used it to help each other and to advance the movement. They had REAL COMMUNITY. They had LOYALTY. They had BROTHERHOOD. Do these words even exist in our vocabulary anymore? I mean, we are all out there for a cause, but does anyone know what it is?

I want to be part of an army. Not just an army, a marine corp; I want to be a navy seal for the cause of Christ. Please. Show me where to sign up. I'll shave my head. I'll give up every food on the naughty list. I'll burn everything pink in my closet. I'll sacrifice sleep. I'll run sprints, I'll do three-a-days. I don't care. I just want to be apart of something real. Will the real body of Christ please stand up? Raid my house. Take me and my family to the headquarters. We are ready to fight. I don't want to be comfortable in church. I want to be convicted! I want the Word of God to grip me, I want His terrifying presence to drop me to the floor. I don't want to sit and wonder if I'm not dressed right or whether my hair looks ok or check myself out in the bathroom to see if I've lost enough weight. I want to be arrested in His presence, dumping my purse in the basket because I just can't seem to give enough when I think about our cause. WHERE ARE YOU???

If there in any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship in the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of one mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Phil. 2:1-2

Leila's tootsies

I'm hoping to post something worth reading tomorrow as I have lots of time to study tonight. I just wanted to leave an update on Leila as this week in NUTS and I won't have time to chat mindlessly on the telephone...

Yesterday I told the kids they could play in the sprinkler, for the third time this summer. I can be a real drag as a mom. ANYway, I put Leila in her walker on the concrete in the shade and then went to drag out the sprinkler. She was only a few feet from me and started crying and then screaming. I thought she was mad. Turns out the concrete was really hot and she was standing full force on one foot.

I picked her up and discovered blisters on her feet!!! I am not in all arenas a terrible mother, but I have my moments. I spent a couple of hours consoling her and then decided to check out the internet for a little self-assurance. Turns out she had a second degree burn, very prone to infection, so I called the doctor who sent me to the ER. They treated her and cooed over her "good-natured"ness and her adorability, and sent us home with silvadine??? and gauze wrapped feet. Most of the blisters were gone this morning and she's been walking around like she hasn't noticed anything wrong today. She's a little miracle.

Thank you for praying if you knew. God continues to amaze me with His generosity in return for my idiocy.

Hodge Podge

I posted yesterday in a daze of emotion, and then reread my post and thought, "Eek. None of this makes any sense at all. I'll rewrite it." Unfortunately I have not gotten back to it, no promises... who knows if it's worth publishing. Time will tell.

Flwrptls who are you??? I don't mind annonymous comments unless I can't guess who it is. Makes me loco, jyou know?

SO today is weigh day, an exciting day in the life of Dale and Becca. I gotta tell you, that guy blows my mind. He is like the incredible shrinking man. I'm all excited about losing one pound a week, he is still dropping 6 to 8 a week! It's completely healthy, the way he's doing it, I wouldn't say it's out of balance at all. We needed such drastic changes in our lifestyle, I can only attribute his success to God's blessing. I love it. I'm so proud of him and he continues to change in spirit and character. The glimpses I see of the old guy he used to be make me all the more grateful for the out of this world man I'm married to now. I can only pray that my girls will hold out for Mr. Wonderful and not settle for Mr. Right Now. It's so worth it.

My little bundle of joy is *screaming right now* WALKING! She is so funny toodling across the floor. She thinks she's such big stuff, she is starting to clap too. It's hillarious! I love having children. We went to the dentist this week and while we were there, a family with six children came in, and on our way out another family with five was coming in. I wanted to hug the moms as I passed, but they looked as exhausted as I did on three hours of sleep. Somehow *only God* we came out cavity free! WOOHOO! They all got registered for a drawing for free tickets to Worlds of Fun. The dentist's office today is not the same place it was back in the day. I sat in the waiting room most of the time, and I could hear Jasmine yelling "OUCH!" But she came out smiling, so I just let it ride. They are such amazing kids. I adore them to pieces!

Wednesday, for the last couple of years, has been family movie night. We haven't been able to have it for months and months because usually if we are all home, we get invited to dinner or we go out to dinner. Last night we had no plans, as eating out is no treat when you are living on garden scraps. So the kids suggested family movie night, which everyone agreed was a great idea. We all piled up on the couches with blankets and pillows and a bowl of kettle corn, and watched Superman III. As usual, Dale and I ended up snuggling and dozing on the floor, and all the kids were stacked around us. I love these days.

It's 6:13. I guess I should feed the wild bunch. They are watching a home movie the girls made while the boys were gone. I just heard Kennedy say on the video, "And now a commercial about strawberry underwear." Yikes.

FYI:I cancelled my myspace account out of necessity. It just didn't suit me. You can always find me here.

A Week in Neverland

When people say "a day in the life" they are referring to a day at Nana's. My mom is so amazing and so incredible with little children. I have always been a little blown away by the things they can do when they come home from her house. In summers past, two of my kids came home from her house potty trained. When I asked her what she did, she said, "I just put them on the toilet and asked if they wanted some big girl/boy pants." We sent Leila to her this time, who was on a food strike. She has been eating solids off and on for six months, in month six she quit. She'd take two bites and that was it. She came home and inhaled two bowls of macaroni like a two year old! Yeah. It's like that. Naturally, when she asked if she could keep them for a week this summer, I was elated. This year she took the girls first and then the boys. It wasn't a baby sitting week. It was a week for adventure for all of them. Late nights watching movies, bubble baths in the baby pool in the yard, sculpting, travelling,
...trips to the zoo in 136 degree heat, pizza rolls in Barbie playland, playing, playing, playing! They have a giant house, so when there are only a few kids there, they get to choose where they will sleep. For my kids, that's real luxury, considering there are two kids in one room and three in another and there aren't five feet of privacy in the whole house So, they loved it. It was really bizarre how the balance in our household changed so drastically between the two weeks. It was pretty cool. There was some serious bonding between the boys and for the girls. Gotta love Nana!

The journey to wellness

SO... Dale is whittling away to nothing and I am losing gradually. I will tell you this, I am smaller than I was when I got married- only by a few pounds, but smaller none the less. I love it. It is a great feeling to know that the numbers are moving and that if God blesses us with another baby, I can take the weight off- it is not an impossible feat.

About six months or more ago, I read an article in prevention magazine. They had done side-by-side evaluations of several of the current trends in diets. It was interesting as I have always been obsessed with/addicted to dieting and physical fitness and reading such articles- not always practicing... SO at the end of the article, they posed the question to a panel of big name national nutritionists, like the FDA guys, "which one is the best?" and one of them said something that stuck with me. He said, "It's all about the math." You eat calories everyday. You burn calories everyday. If the numbers equal each other, you stay the same weight. If you have leftover calories you store them in pockets of fat and eventually gain weight, if you burn extra calories, you burn what's in storage and lose weight. SO simple. All the sudden carbs and points and exercise all amounted to numbers. All numbers.

Watching Dale count calories and work out tirelessly has inspired me everyday. Seriously, we went to Pizza Hut last night. I am portioning, but not denying myself much. He used to order a large pizza and eat 8 of 12 pieces, plus somtimes we got buffalo wings and ate them all. So he ate a few wings, had a salad, and one piece of pizza. It was vacation; we were splurging, right? Yea. That was his splurge. I am not as committed to the eating part, but the exercise is invigorating! I love it. I do as much as I can everyday. And not eating certain things when he's around has made enough of a difference that I am losing. It's nice. I will tell you this, though. I get almost as frustrated about clothes that are too big as I do about clothes that are too small. It's aggrivating to try on four outfits and only have two options. And when you are losing, nothing fits just right, you're always in between. I usually take the squeezier clothes and rig them up with safety pins and rubber bands. I AM a dork. But I don't care, it's something I'm accepting about myself.

It is incredible what a difference eating right and exercising does for your spiritual and emotional health. I am so inspired to change everything when my body is under control. It makes me wonder if there is something to overeating that kind of lulls your senses to sleep. I can let so many things slide when I am full of something I ate way too much of. It's a terrible feeling that I am beginning to despise when I sense it coming. For what it's worth, there is something to this self-control thing.

All that to say this, here's a picture of me in a bikini so you can see my progress.













NOT!!! HAHAHAHAHA

Slavery and Righteousness

Master of all mastery
master me, please master me.
Master heart and soul and mind;
Find what only you can find.
Tame tempestuous the tide
of soul and flesh that war inside.
Where wrong will battle for the throne,
extend Your hand, make me Your own.
Master good intentions taught;
Surface treasured where truth ought.
Plow the stony surface deep;
Pluck away my soul to keep.
Master, my sweet Master, mine,
master me and make me Thine.

Plod on, plod on, plod on

There's nothing magical or fantastic about what's happening in our lives right now outside of the obvious... It's waiting. Waiting is happening. It's the everyday-waiting-for-the-phone-to-ring-watching-for-the-mailman- hoping-for-a-sign-from-heaven-no-word-from-anywhere waiting. It makes you question everything; is my heart not right, have I not learned a lesson, is someone close to me waiting for me to share Christ with them, is there something that has to happen in order for the walls of Jericho to fall down, or maybe we just miscounted our steps, did we make a mistake, an error in judgment?

I drew out a map of the coming events for the duration of the summer and as I looked at the encroaching weeks, tears filled my eyes. I had not grieved the loss of my expectations until that moment. My need to make the best of things and chronic optimism has forced me into a corner that some people might call reality. What I thought was going to happen, what I expected to happen, what I almost knew was going to happen, hasn't happened. It's frustrating and aggravating and it makes you want to blame anyone in the game, and it's exasperating. We are exasperated. But in an attempt to be a buffer, I have neglected this torrent of emotion that has been brewing down in the pit of my stomach for a couple of weeks now. It's almost more than I can bear.

Now, in the grand scheme of things, it's only been one month and three days since we submitted our application to Washington DC. I documented it for this very reason; we mailed it June 7th. Which, for a job application, is a long wait, but for a submission for consideration in a federal position, it's a worthy wait. And maybe it's that persistent optimism or maybe it's my default view of the character of God, but I can almost see in the supernatural, that when the pieces all fall into place, or are carefully placed rather, it will be spectacular, the things that God does for us. Maybe I'm naive to think that. I believe it's an issue of reaping and sowing. We have worked really hard for this and according to Proverbs, hard work never neglects to bring a return, there is always a harvest.

So once again, here I am waging war with my emotions, some days I can keep running hard and other days I want to run away, just move with our friends and start a quiet life in a little town writing books under a nom de plum and raising our children. But under that sweet dream of a quiet life, I know it's not there, it's not in the plan.

If you are my friend, and you know Jesus Christ, please pray for us. The waiting is sucking us dry.

Everywhere

Since I was a teenager I led worship in youth group, church meetings, the local rally at the park... I thought it was the crown jewel of all church positions to lead worship, thus making me the crown jewel. (I am embarrassed to admit that.) It was like I was something when I was behind the piano with a microphone. I never believed I was the greatest singer or that I had phenomenal gifts for worship, I just thought I had a special anointing, like it was what I was born to do. And then when we moved to Missouri I took on the glamorous position of Certified Nurse's Aide. That means I do everything that a higher paid, more educated person doesn't want to do, the jobs that are beneath them. I used to quake every time someone told me to do something petty because they didn't want to walk up the hall. I would think, "Do you have any idea who I am and what I'm capable of?" and the Holy Spirit would whisper into my heart "This is who you are, are you capable of it?" As in, if anyone wants to be great in God's kingdom, he has to learn to be a servant of all. It took me a long time to embrace the fact that the road to greatness is paved with grievous tasks and menial chores, it's a life of doing what no one else is willing to do.

People have this concept of ministry and think it's full of glory and acclaimades, but it's a difficult burden to bear the call of God; but when He calls your name, it's so humbling and awe-inspiring that there's nothing you can do but follow. Imagine Jesus calls you out of a crowd and says, "I want you, go with me." He plays the flute of the pied piper and I dance through the fire right behind Him because I am still so enamored with the fact that He called my name. He calls your name.

I am listening to the soul songs of Rita Springer, one of the few who know the truth about worship. Everything I used to believe about worship has changed. I have even wondered if there was any value to corporate worship, which in my studies I have confirmed that yes, there is definitely value in worshiping together as one voice in the house of God. It just seems to have become such a show of talent and ability, a big horse and pony show for whomever is chosen to shine for the week. When was the last time you got on your knees following the leader who wept in the presence of God, and not for show, but for the sake of being in the presence of God? It's five songs, a segue into the prayer time, and some sort of a tag jazzed up to get everyone ready for the offering. What I have found is that true worship, true spiritual worship is found in walking in obedience to God. He lays the path and we walk it as a living sacrifice. And how much more precious when we pour out our hearts in worship to Him in a quiet place away from the world where no one else is listening? And then to present an offering with the whole family of God together... It's the combination. I can not imagine that singing for a half hour and crying and giving "a sacrifice of praise" once a week is much value, if any, to God if nothing else is in its proper place.

If you can find this song on-line, download it. It's just fantastic, a song of private worship so beautifully expressed in song... but just the text is so powerful too. Ladies and Gentlemen, Ms. Rita Springer:

EVERYWHERE
Oh the way the sea
crashes on the shore
And with endless praise
glorifies Your name
Oh the mountains green
stand with faithful feet
Raise to point their song
and declare You King

I can see you everywhere
All around me in the air
You surround my heart with songs of rare belief
Creation groans and leans on You
How I wish that I could too
Teach me more to be... like... You

You wrap yourself in light and You ride upon the wind
You cause the sun to shine and obey to rise again
Of You I stand in awe and I'm filled with words to say
All of who You are is why I want to stay

I can see You everywhere
All around me in the air
You surround my heart with songs of rare belief
Creation groans and leans on You
How I wish that I could too
Teach me more to be like You...

I can see you everywhere
All around me everywhere
You surround my heart with songs of rare belief
Creation groans and leans on You
How I wish that I could too
Teach me more to be like You

Hey, Ladies~

Is this someone's idea of a sick joke, or I am reverting back to puberty? My face is breaking out like I'm 14 going to the dance at the skating rink on Thursday night! YIPES! It's not funny, and it's not nice. So, naturally I got on the internet to research my new complexion, and at 30, it's normal!?!? I'm a pimple-faced freak!

On the other hand, in honor of our nation's freedom and the celebration therein, I made a big bucket of frozen ice cream; five ingredients, such natural yummy deliciousness, and a new frozen dessert made with nutter butter cookies and a cream cheese, a little layer of chocolate, whipped cream, and sugar. Yowzah! That thing may not make it to the bar-b-que. I just took a little bite after freezing it all night, and look out girls, it's better than a reeces peanut butter cup blizzard. (which has 500 calories in a small we just discovered...) I used lite cool whip and lite sour cream and it's still fantastic.

I ran into a girl I used to know, at Wal-Mart today, mother of 6, separated from her husband, living between her step-mom and a has-been dj, partying, losing weight, and looking... dead. I couldn't even fake the funny sweet girl I am sometimes. I just half smiled and said, "wow..." All I could think about was, "Where are you children? It's the 4th of July." It broke my heart. I can't celebrate her new forty pounds less figure knowing she'd be flinging it around a pole this weekend.

I'm studying the gospel of John. Within the first five verses, the Lord is introduced as LIGHT. "in Him was life, and the life was the LIGHT of men." And in the Light is the life. Along this journey, I have prayed, and begged, and pleaded with God to let me taste abundant life, the life, that He promised us. I can tell you honestly that I am living the life. I have found that abundance and it has been a long time coming, but I will never abandon the Source of life because apart from Him there is only darkness. It frustrates me that people would deny Him their souls when the return is so great. What is so worth hanging on to in this world when there is so much to gain apart from it? Find Him, He seeks you now.