Nervous?

I have a hard time attending churches that don't know me and this is Saturday night. While I was ironing something to wear for our first Sunday in Lompoc a wave of nerves hit me and I thought, "Maybe we could just..." you know, do anything else besides church. It's stupid. This is God's house and His people, my family; but there are so many lost sheep and clueless shepherds that my cynicism betrays my attempts to be courteous or friendly and scrutiny threatens the entirety of the my experience therein. Forgive my frankness. It's difficult to be this honest here because I am so weak and I don't like to expose it, but here it is.

I'm sure part of it is about being the new girl and not knowing where I fit, but the other part is, where do you plug in and plug away working toward the building up of other believers? Do you wait it out for six weeks and determine what to muddle through or do you try another and another until it "feels" right? I just dread the whole ordeal.

I so long for eternity where there is no question about sheep and goats and it's all real and there's no high society in church, it's all just us, the body of Christ unified eternally.

And while we're on the subject of weaknesses, at least I have something to wear tomorrow that FITS. Yes, there are seasons of high anxiety when I cannot eat and there are those when I can't stop eating. This is one of those seasons; I fear the scale. Thank goodness it's packed away and out of reach. I need so desperately to have some normalcy, fortunately it's coming soon I hope.

Just Spectacular

Tonight, instead of a movie, we drove the twisty-turvy uppy-downy winding road to Jalama Beach, a native hot-spot. The wave of campfire hit us as soon as we got out of the car; and despite the 54 degree blast, there were five guys surfing at sunset. I was shocked at how many campers were lined up in rows because of the cold until we got out and took it all in: mountains, ocean, sunset, deer on the hill... there's just no way to describe it. You'll have to come to get the full effect! I need you, Becky! My dorky camera didn't even come close to a decent picture.

On Fridays Lompoc has a block-long parking lot that hosts a farmers market; we're talking sweet and delicious strawberries, all kinds of vegetables *except corn* nuts, dried fruits and flowers. The farmers cut samples right there to guarantee their produce. Everything tasted sweet to me, even the pecans, and remarkably cheap. I have a new inspiration to cook with all fresh and healthy ingredients. No more mac and cheese, please. Did I mention the seafood? I'm sure you can imagine.

It may come across like everything is coming up roses, but this life is wearing on me. I worry about the expense of it all as much as how we're going to fill up our days. Dale is adventurous and has a knack for making everything fun, which usually makes me the party pooper. But it's only two more days before he starts his job. Please pray that everything goes smoothly. He rented a U-Haul today to move us out of the storage unit and I'm hoping we can get it all in faster than it took us the first time since it's all accessable and we'll have lots of dollies.

I just want to have all my chicks under a roof that is ours and we can sit down and really relax without all these questions hanging over our heads. We are striving to be content in every circumstance, it's just hard. I know I have said countless times that acceptance is freedom, and it is, it's just hard to accept it.

NASA

Every day I make mental notes of all the glorious things I want to write about, but the lengthy posts can become monotonous and boring, so I have to sift through all of my ideas and promise to save the rest for another day. I fear that the wonder will wear off as we slide into the day-in-day-out and the adrenaline that courses through my veins every time we see something new and spectacular won't affect me quite as dramatically on the days when I do decide to post. BUT for now, my time is limited and as much as I would love to write for hours, I just can't. *please forgive if you call and I am brief on the phone. Dale and I rarely have conversations with a third party when we're together and even though the moments are pleniful now, they are no less precious. But I do love you and will catch up with you soon!!!*

I was especially crabby today; at seven o'clock I got up and got to work on laundry and "making sense out of our truck". By ten o'clock I had spent three hours with the kids while I worked and took them to the delicious continental breakfast in shifts. The girls ate twice. So when I got into the shower to head out for our adventure to Solvang, I was hissing and snapping at everyone in my path. It's not that I can't be with them for that long and get my work done; it's that we are on top of each other everywhere we go and the constant noise... hotel life is wearing on me. *you can't let your kids be kids in a hotel on the third floor, or in restaurants, or in Wal-Mart. And we can't stay at the park from morning till night, it's too dang cold! SO when we got home from the adventure, I laid down for a nap. This is something I rarely do when Dale's home unless we nap together, but I think he was pulling for it thanks to my delightful mood. Thanks to an unexpected interruption, I did not nap, but rather laid there thinking about how awful I was the entire day.

Normally in this situation I'd find something to eat and go back to bed. hahaha. Not really. Ok, not ALWAYS, but sometimes I really do that. Only outside the closed door was my entire family that I had been terrible to all day. I exitted the bedroom without a word and made my way to the front bathroom where Leila, the only one brave enough to approach me, joined and we both put on our swimming suits. We went back to where everyone was watching TV and I said, "We're going swimming. See you later." This was followed by squeals and scrambling children.

At the pool we met a family of fellow believers and home schoolers who asked if we were going to "the launch" tonight. Dale said everyone was talking about it, but we didn't know details. Get this. The woman was the wife of one of the ROCKET SCIENTISTS conducting the launch! She told us all the details and our kids had a ball swimming and freezing.

We cleaned up, ate free nachos and hot dogs and headed for the mountain where we could see the rocket. Now let me explain something. They only launch rockets for NASA in two places in the country; Florida and California, and we are only 10 minutes from the best lookout!

It shot through the sky like a ball of light for close to two minutes we watched in awe. I got tears in my eyes and bubbled over for half an hour chattering about how amazing it was that we got to watch that! And how ironic that we decided to get in the pool at the same time at this other family when it was only 60 degrees again? Just incredible.

Keep praying for us and know that I am praying for you!

Another day in Paradise

Leila was awake this morning when I got up and jumped in the shower. After I threw my clothes on, I woke up the kids and started packing our two-bedroom suite. My plan was to get to the storage unit by eight so as not to upset our consistently volitile mover, who wanted to start unloading at 7am. Dale wasn't as concerned about it, considering the amount of money we paid to have him drive and our schedule took precidence over his mood.

We skipped continental breakfast due to the crowds and ran through a drive-thru on our way to the storage unit. At 8:30 there was no sign of him, to my relief. A few minutes later he called to let us know he was in stopped traffic about an hour away. We cruised the town, went to Wal-Mart, drove some more, talked about going to the beach, and got another call an hour later to let us know he wouldn't be there till noon.

Knowing we'd be the only ones there to unload was looming over our heads and it almost tipped the scales as we spent another hour in the car after our three day journey, driving aimlessly to kill time. We decided we should probably get a hotel room since we didn't have arrangements for the next week and being in the truck all night as well as all day was not a desirable option, so Dale went back to the place we stayed two nights prior and tried to talk them down on our room. The thought of spending the said price for a little bit of breathing room was nearly unbearable. They offered a discounted rate but it was still not realistic for five nights. Barrelling through our hesitations, we agreed we should check the Motel 6. After the first room we stayed in smelled like a nursing home, we quickly learned that we should preview the rooms before we pay, so Dale brought me two keys and said to check them out.

As I ventured through the courtyard, I had to step corn cobs and mashed potatoes that had been thrown out on the stairs. The rooms were clean and for smoking rooms, not terribly smokey, so I thought it would be worth the money we'd save. But then as I pulled the door closed behind me I noticed an empty case of beer in front of our neighbors door. That made me nervous; I just don't know this place well enough to trust the Motel 6 yet, so I decided to loosen my pinch on the pennies and go with door number one.

Dale, with his gift of persuasion, went in a third time to talk to the consierge of our original hotel and told him our sad story hoping to gain their favor and get a little more money off the price of the room. I can't be sure, but according to my estimation, we got the room for around $50 off the normal price per night. Whew. They have a nice continental breakfast and an evening reception with hot dogs and nachos for suite guests. *hell-o-o, that's two free meals for a family of seven; and I'd say a no brainer!*

Let me just make a clarification. I packed two large totes full of the kids' clothes for this trip, thinking it'd be practical. It wasn't, so I borrowed two huge duffle bags from my brother and sister-in-law and repacked to create a little space in our truck. Every time we change rooms, we have to reload the car with a pack-n-play, four huge duffel bags, two bags of toiletries, and 6 pillows and comforters, *we all like our blankies* not to mention the portable grocery supply of snacks and the cooler for milk and an endless supply of cold sodas and waters. It's no simple task. SO you can imagine my initial response after scrambling to get our belongings loaded early this morning, when I found out we didn't even check out of our room when they negotiated the price and gave it to us for the remainder of the week. Hahahaha. Same room. We really did just laugh and drag all our loot back up to the third floor. It's good exercise, just like unloading the truck would be.

Rocker, our driver, showed up right after we got back in the car to go to lunch so I dropped Dale off to help set up the ramp and went after food for the kiddos. We got back at 12:30 and I kid you not, the two of us unloaded all that stuff in two hours. WOOP WOOP! I love teamwork. I have to admit I was a little jealous of Brooke when she and Josh hoisted that two-ton couch with brute strength and intimate teamwork. At the same time watching them empowered me to accomplish this overwhelming task with Dale and it proved to be the very same intimate teamwork that I saw in them.

It was 60 degrees all day but we thought we deserved a swim after our hard work so we all jumped in the heated pool and then to the hot tub when it was just too cold. Dinner was Fish and Chips, so super yummy! And then we drove through the mountains for an hour. I can't wait to show you!!! This life out here is just breathtaking. Californians have this reputation of being laid back and I never thought much about it until we got here and were sitting on the beach watching the tide roll in. I scolded one of the kids for something and it felt wrong, like it would upset the natural order if I spoke harshly. While we were driving down this country road talking about how many different colored wild flowers there were, climbing and descending all the way, I had a piece of old gum in my mouth that I would normally just toss out the window, but I couldn't do it! I waited and waited, chomping away until I could throw into a trash can because it just felt wrong.

It's more than beautiful, it's the handiwork of God; the sound of the ocean must resemble his heart somehow; it's so untamed and yet so perfectly ordered. It changes you and inspires you and makes everything seem so small in comparrison. What a gift.

A city on a hill

Lompoc is, bar none, the most beautiful place I've ever seen. I have dreamed of travelling down the streets of Paris and watching the gondalas in Italy, but I never anticipated such beauty in the place of my permanent residence.

What's truly amazing about God is that He is so unpredictable. What I've been told is my greatest weakness has worked for me in brute strength today in my acceptance of these peculiar circumstances. We are homeless. Isn't it a strange concept? There is nothing spectacular about it because there is an end in sight and it is arranged for us to have a house here, but it's the characteristic I would list on the *get to know me* surveys as something interesting about myself right now. But here's the good part. We haven't had Dale home with us for this long of a stretch in... oh... ever. He's never been able to spend this much uninterrupted time with us as he has/will right now. So our homelessness is a gift. It's a vacation and an adventure. We will have to create some debt as a result of our move, something we had hoped to avoid, but really-- when something as paramount as this falls in your lap, why not enjoy it?

God hears your prayers and I am thankful to have them!!! There is really no way we can get into the house any sooner than Dale's first day of work. It's strange the way the government has such legalities that do not bend. I guess that's why it works the way it does. So your prayers for us are that the body of Christ would be a physical help for us as we unload, reload, and unload again in the next week. Hopefully the weight I've added from eating out so many meals in a row will melt off as I summon strength that is not mine to lift furniture and boxes.
Pray too that the kids do not get the brunt of our emotions. It's difficult to be rational when you're living out of suitcases and on top of each other in two small rooms.

Are we there yet?

Not quite.

Thursday we started loading the 70 ft. moving truck with everything we own for, hopefully, the last time. Federal employees, when they transfer from state to state, are moved by movers; that's what I kept telling myself as we stacked the 70some boxes into the first few feet of the truck. It was sunny and beautiful from noon until about 3:30 when the storm clouds rolled in. I prayed fervently under my breath that God would hold back the rain for just one more hour, just one more hour... We had announced that we'd start loading the truck at 4:30 so people that worked could help us. The four of us loading until that time had everything on the lawn, thinking it would be easier to organize the load if it was all laid out. Around 4:00 big rain drops began to pelt our totes and funiture through the branches of the tree under which we had placed most of it.

I carried one load after the next in bewilderment trying hard not to fall apart. It must've shown on my face because my friend, who worked sparing nothing the whole time, kept asking if I was ok. I was ok, just nervous. More and more people came after that and consoled me with, "It's almost done." I could see the truck was nearly packed, but it wasn't almost done. I joked that it was half done, knowing we still had to unpack the truck at the other end. It wasn't half done though.

We are here in sunny southern Cali where it's 58 degrees right now, and there isn't a ray of sunshine in the sky. This morning we got a call to inform us that our house would be ready on the 11th, the date Dale is scheduled to report. The 11th. We're in a suite in Lompoc planning to unload the truck tomorrow at our new house. But it's not ours yet. It's not ours until the 11th, six days from now. There's a kitchenette and laundry facility here, but there's no peace or quiet.

Plan B is to unload the truck into a storage unit, stay in a hotel for a week, rent another truck to move our storage to the house on the 11th, stay in a hotel for the rest of the week... Dale will be at work so it's up to me to get the stuff moved in. Hahaha. I don't hate me because I live for drama.

I am praying that by some miracle we can go with plan A tomorrow. Pray for us. We need yet another miracle.

Maybe I am... a little more than just grateful

One of my favorite things to read, at present, is Pioneer Woman. She's funny, she's nuts, and her life is like a ancient fortress, primed and tended by generations gone before. It's immovable. On the days when the fast pace of action and adventure and constant change is too hard to swallow, I dream of the constancy of a rancher's life and escape into her world. And besides all of that, I can read each entry in a few minutes and then hurry on to what's pressing.

Right now I'm sitting in my pajamas at 9:30 in a dark quiet house listening to the coffee pot percolate wondering if I'll ever have a day like this again. I haven't laughed or cried or remenisced or made memories like I have this week in all of my life. One of the richest blessings that God has lavished on us has to be, no holds barred, the friendship that Christians have because of Christ. Relationships with people of like faith nurture us in ways that nothing else can. I am rich, even when we're broke, because of my family and my friends. People all around me lift me up and encourage me, cheering me on in the race, and when I can't physically hear them, they are praying for me. How can it be that God in all of the mystery and wonder that is His would place in my life so many people that really truly love me for who I am and with my countless flaws? I am more than blessed, I'm in awe.

We're moving to California in four days. I feel relaxed, drinking my coffee, chatting on the telephone, moving slowly through my day, but my mind and body tell me otherwise. In the midst of conversation there are gaps because I can't bring the word to mind that I want. I love words. Words are like sweet candy in my world and I can't find them or use them well because of the mental capacity overload that I am denying by my actions but is evidenced by the constant churning in my stomach. I am laughing more than crying, which is good, but that will come in time. Life is good, but I am swimming in the overwhelmingness of my present. It will all settle again in the weeks to come and I won't be so scattered, but for now this is what I am. SO PRAY FOR ME, my sweet and wonderful friends, and know that I am praying for you as you call or stop by or come to mind.

Thirty-One

As of seventeen minutes ago, I am thirty-one. I'm officially in my thirties. I was thirty last year; this year I am embarking on my thirties- some more than thirty. I'm thirty-one and this is what I know.

1. I have found true love.
2. I have learned how to love truly.
3. Children breed life.
4. Laughter is good medicine.
5. Kindness does not equal politeness.
6. Talk less, live more.
7. I am not a good listener but I'm learning.
8. Family is forever.
9. Acceptance is freedom.
10. Don't make excuses. Your friends don't need them and your enemies don't believe them.
11. Hard work is invigorating.
12. Music, fresh air, and sunshine chase the blues away.
13. The Word of God is LIFE.
14. Hope is my worldview.
15. Appearances tell lies.
16. My favorite place is the backyard.
17. You really only need five good friends, and sometimes only four.
18. Wardrobe is how you wear it, not what you're wearing.
19. Clean house because it's a responsibility, not just for company.
20. Slow and steady makes Mommy a lot nicer.
21. Sugar makes me fat.
22. Exercise kills me and gives me new life.
23. Dance parties in the living room. Just do it.
24. I still care what people think.
25. I am totally and completely in love with Dale.
26. I'm really glad I never started smoking.
27. I wish I never would've started Starbucks.
28. My kids are the most mesmerizing little people I've ever known.
29. Writing gives me wings.
30. I'm a dreamer.
31. Life goes faster every year. Live now.

Good Things

Moving has yet to top my *favorite things* list, but there are perks. Like the countless loads of neglected toys that find new homes via the Goodwill, the hundreds of pounds of garbage that are lifted from our habitation, and my personal favorite, the journey down memory lane.

In a stack of unmarked VHS tapes I found my wedding video. This year marks our eleventh anniversary and a deeper dive into the boundless love that is ours because of Christ. I watched with tears rolling down my cheeks surrounded by our childern in the life that is ours because of Christ. What was really fascinating to me was the love that we felt with such intensity for each other when we barely knew one another, I could see it in our eyes. It was the same look that I have in my eyes now only it was naive and innocent and untainted and shallow. Depth comes with trial and perseverance and suffering and pushing past what seems hopeless to attain what is hoped for.

I cry so easily these days... maybe it really is the overwhelming situations that I continue to find myself in, but I don't think so. It's true; I'm sad, and nervous, and pre-lonely, but I don't think that's it either. I think it's that in this life, I have everything. I have everything this life has to offer. We have health and hope and peace and family that sticks and loves each other deeply and almost inexpressibly. I think they are tears of gratitude for the goodness that my God, who is generous and defines love, has lavished on someone so unworthy of any good thing.

So when I read your emails so full of anguish, I cry, because I've been there and will be there again hoping someone is crying with me and praying for my peace as I am for you, knowing that on the other side there is rest for God's people.

April showers bring May flowers

In the sixth grade I lived two blocks from my school. If I went through the front door, it was three and a half blocks, so typically I went out the backdoor, cut through the alley, and through our backyard neighbor's driveway/parking lot. *side: He was an orthodontist, built a mansion with an orthodontic practice in the lower half. He's having a difficult time selling the house/practice.* When the weather was tolerable, older kids, probably eighth graders, would crowd into a corner behind his house in the alley to smoke. If it was cold, they'd hang in a tight group to block the wind. I never thought much of it; actually, my siblings and I would balk at them in disdain from our kitchen window, generally passing by with an air of self-righteousness. It was rare for me to be alone in the exchange because Jon, my older brother, attended the school across from mine so I always timed my departure to coincide with his.

In the sixth grade I had relatively short frizzy red hair that may have been construed in current fashion circles as a mullet. I wore glasses. They weren't the dark brown trendy 80s-esque frames that everyone esle wore; mine were blue. And not blue everywhere, but blue in clear plastic that faded in and out. The arms, the sides of the glasses, swooped down in perfect grandma fashion on each side. My favorite thing to wear with my blue glasses, was a blue and white striped wide-necked sweater, and a shell necklace that my friend Melissa brought me from Hawaii. Not a pretty white choker that is still fashionable, a long string of seashells that "chinked" everytime I moved. As a sixth grader, I was pretty hot.

It was cold one morning when I rolled out of bed at ten minutes to eight; everyone else was rushing around to get to where they were going. By the time I had dressed and brushed my teeth, which was really all I did to get ready for school, the house was nearly empty and I was forced to make the trek by myself. Scarffing my breakfast, I prayed that the smokers wouldn't be in the alley as I pulled back a corner of the curtain on the back door and peeked through the window. To my dismay there was a raucous swarm of jean-jacket clad teenagers puffing away. Of course I considered going out the front door and walking the extra two blocks to avoid them completely, but I knew I'd be late for school. So I had a little pep talk with myself about how I was eleven now and needed to be tougher and push past my silly fears of strangers and walking places by myself. Taking a deep breath, I put on my bravest face and strode through the backdoor and down the sidewalk to the gate. My heart was racing, but my face was stone cold and I was fearless... until I caught the attention of the oldest member of the crowd.

Remember when you were in school and there was always a guy hanging around the parking lot, sometimes he'd show up at recess and you thought he was so cool? He must've been at least 19 because he had a 10-speed and a cigarrette behind his ear. He usually wore sunglasses, an REO Speedwagon t-shirt, and only the cool kids knew his name...? You know the guy. That was the guy in the alley that day that interrupted the conversation of the pack to say, "Hey there, pretty thing," and smile an invitational smile.

Alarms went off in my head; I was panic-strickened. I was a fearful child, for whatever reason, but this was the first I had experienced immanent danger by myself.

I hurried on to the safety of the orthodontist's parking lot hoping there would be people with early appointments on the other side of that gate. Trying not to "run scared" I scurried as fast as I could to school and then cried all day. My teacher was so wise in her dealings with me. I was not only fearful, but often very emotional as well, so she drew the attention away from my desk by the window and went right on teaching like everything was fine while I put my head on the desk and cried.

The time frame is sketchy here because everything sat in my memory like the present; it may have been the same month weeks prior when a fellow 6th grader was raped on school grounds by a high boy who played to her general innocence and coerced her into the auditorium where he sexually assaulted an eleven-year-old girl. Someone I saw everyday at school was assaulted in a place I was forced to go everyday. And maybe it was two or three weeks before that when our there was a telephone call during Sunday morning worship with a request to pray for another church who had, minutes before, been accosted by a man toting a duffel bag full of guns and ammunition who randomly opened fire on the congregation. Both events troubled me deeply.

What changed me in those consecutive events was the reality that tragedy is no respector of persons and people are not generally good. That's a tough pill to swallow for a child. I didn't want to go to school because I was afraid that I wouldn't be so lucky the next time I ran into the drop-out that smoked with eighth-graders in the alley. And I didn't want to be in the school where grown up boys could just walk in and rape whomever fell into their trap. And the only safe place I loved to go was no longer safe from murders who had no respect for anything or anyone. I don't think that my fear was unreasonable.

Maybe that's why I loved Bonnie so much, my childhood best friend. She was fearless. While I ducked and covered in the face of danger, she stood with dignity, whether someone was threatening her or tornadoes were spinning above the mall where we were shopping. She was fearless.

Regardless of the turbulence of the sixth grade, God has given me wisdom in this one thing that enables me to sleep at night in this truly fallen world. In life there are countless tragedies that could devastate a person, not just wierdos and their antics, but sickness, danger, poverty, natural disaster. We live in the archer's attack on Braveheart and the arrows are tragedies. Our only defense is salvation. God is the umbrella, the shield around us, and He allows only the arrows of His choosing under the cover of His mercy, and that to change us and build endurance. *Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.*

So I'm thankful that God has chosen the events of my course and will craft in me the character of His goodness in due time.