On the Rebound

We arrived home yesterday at 3:30 and when we walked in the door, everything looked white, sterile even. Dale had the place sparkling clean, and the cabinets were bare, and the shelves were empty and the shower showed little sign of inhabitants. It was strange. The kids talked about how small it felt. The water tasted good. Max was leery of us at first; and honestly, I think he's a little bummed that we moved back in. At 4:00 the doorbell rang and on the other side of the door stood a bearded stranger with a full head of hair that vaguely reminded me of my husband. Leila and Deisha stared and backed away from him. Everything has changed. I don't even remember what channel Spongebob is on.

My house is a disaster area from the front step of the porch to the sliding glass doors to the backyard. I'm living out of a suitcase and this morning, it occurred to me that I could actually put my hairspray in the bathroom closet. I've gotten so accustomed to gathering all of my things every time I leave a bathroom that it seemed like a new concept.

In spite of everything, it feels like home because Dale is here and we are together. There is a sense of wholeness that comes from just sitting next to him on the couch. I adore him and need him in every part of my life. It feels good to have that again.

I'm excited to post some of the thousands of pictures that from our trip but today I'm still in recovery and have a long list of things to do before Dale gets home tonight. It was so wonderful to see all of you and I pray that it won't be long before we are a more permanent fixture in your regular lives.

These are the days

For the last three days, I have woken up like a hungry mama bear; mean, crabby, and bossy. Some days I just don't want to do this anymore. You know what I mean? I wake up to a fussy baby, usually have to spank one kid before nine o'clock, spend the next four hours juggling teaching, prodding, cleaning, entertaining, and disciplining all at the same time. It's hard. It takes all my energy and all my emotional fortitude to get through it. Fortunately, I usually have the option to take a nap, which is like a prize awaiting me in the middle of the day.

I have a few support people in education that are quick to tell me that my discontent is called spring fever, and it's brimming in the heart of every school-aged child. The end of the school year is in sight, the sun is shining and begging us to come out and play, and we just don't want to finish. It's a battle of wills to finish the race, but in spite of the dragging of my heavy feet, we manage to get through each day and eventually the weekend arrives.

Our week is a little jacked up in that Dale is home two days in a row in the middle of the week, so technically, I have two Mondays. On the flip side of that jagged edge, I also have two Fridays. And even though we have school on his days off, we have two weekends. It's a love/hate thing. Some days I just don't want to do it.

The thing is, I have these really great kids. And whenever I start to dream of being somewhere else, I lay out all my options and try to decide what I'd rather be doing. I could have a 9-5, I could live a life of solidarity and quiet, I could be running the streets and living la vida loca. Even on my worst days, I always come back to the fact that this is what I want. I want to be surrounded with the noise and chaos that comes with the life I've chosen. I wouldn't change anything about the path that we've taken. It's what I always wanted and I really love it. Sometimes I'm just too lazy to cope.

Mothers Day, WOO!!!!

I have this really great mom. As a kid I don't think I ever acknowledged how wonderful she was. I certainly didn't make it easy for her by any stretch, I only gave her severe guilt when I felt that my argument was stronger than her silence. God has this funny way of bringing things back around, and now that I've managed to take ownership of her shoes and found myself journeying on her path, there is no denying it. She is really great. Amazing, actually. And I really love her.

I married this really dreamy guy. One of the things about him that made my heart flutter was listening to him talk about his mom; the dude loved his mom and made no bones about it. Now that she's a part of my family I get it. She's lovey; you can't not love her. And I really love her too.

On my first mothers day I stood up on the stage at First Assembly of God Life Centre in Emporia as a newly wed just a few months pregnant. I had a chance to ask some of the older, more experienced mothers for advice. I didn't have any questions about parenting yet, so I asked what I could do about my stretch marks. Everyone laughed for several minutes and to this day I'm not sure if I should be embarrassed about that question. I'm thankful to be years past that and have a little experience under my belt now.

I will say this about motherhood, it is the most gratifying and soul-stripping experience that I have had to date. In the first few weeks, you are flooded with the adoration of an awe-struck husband that is more in love with you and this little bundle than you have ever seen him. You have your own emotions coming in giant waves of euphoria and insecurity; I remember every time I made eye contact with Kennedy for more than a second, I cried because I loved her so much and was terrified at the same time. Then the night time comes, the deprivation of sleep comes, and all the sudden everything you've been waiting for and living for in this baby, you are ready to toss out the window. Talk about highs and lows. And it doesn't stop after the baby starts sleeping, it just changes.

For me, knowing that this is what I was designed for makes it that much more satisfying. All I've ever wanted in this life was to be a wife and mother, to have my own family to nurture. That's what I've got. Funny, at any given moment I may jump out of this chair and stomp into another room to take apart a fight or bark orders, but it's my life; highs and lows usually in the same few minutes. And I really love it.

So here's to all of you Moms. May the blessings of your children fill your life with depth and joy and character and mercy. xoxo b

Easter and Spring

This year instead of hunting at the park, we opted to do an indoor egg hunt because of the 1000 mph winds. I waited until everything was marked down to 50% off and surprised the kids with this little adventure. They didn't mind waiting until after the holiday.

I couldn't believe how excited they were about this. I keep thinking my kids are outgrowing the wonders of childhood, but they aren't. The oldest ones still get just as excited at the little ones. I love it!

Before the big hunt, I had the kids put on their Easter clothes so that I could take some pictures. We are blessed to have moms on both sides that love to sew and love to shower our kids with these hand-made dresses. The boys get other kinds of hand-made treasures so they didn't really have anything to dress up in, and they didn't mind either. Instead, Micah chose to do an action shot.

Tre put on his "tuxedo" and did this pose; the other one was even funnier- I'll have to use it another time. He just cracks me up. He's had this suit since he was three. I don't know how it fit then and still fits, barely, but it's on. I keep saving it to give away, but he just keeps dragging it out and putting it on. Skinny dude lives on salad and quesadillas.

Leila was napping until just before the egg hunt and I couldn't convince her to put on either one of her dresses. I'll have to catch her in them the next time and post the pics. Both dresses are really cute! Her daddy bought this one on their special day; she wore it for several days in a row. I don't mind though. To tell you the truth, if I had this dress, I'd wear it for several days in a row too.

This is the outfit my mom made for Kennedy. SO ADORABLE! Kennedy is very specific about what she wants and somehow my mom nails it every time. She made the same style for Jasmine, but we couldn't find all the pieces at the same time for the picture. Hers is really cute too. I will try to take pictures the next time they wear them, Mom.

Dana made this one for Deisha. I love it! The grandmas were on the same wave link this year because they both used purple, Leila's "fwavorite colorr!"

These are the matching dresses Dana made for the girls. So pretty and summery! Kennedy looks six feet tall!

Poor Deisha. I don't know how she can possibly be sad when she looks this cute! She had little bloomers and a bib that match her dress too, but I had to made some alterations to the britches so they'd stay on. I'm not sure, but I think after this dress arrived, my mom had to start a waiting list on orders for bubble dresses!

And last but not least here we are, me and Dale, all full of Easter, springy bliss. I love him.

Happy Days

This afternoon I was wandering around my house like a lost puppy. We've been in a whirlwind of activity this week and I had the strangest reaction to it.

For one thing, Deisha is now officially one. A year ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and found myself looking down a long dark tunnel with no sign of light anywhere near the end and a baby screaming in my ear day and night. It seemed-- dismal, to say the least. Now here we are a year later, a full school year past, and we all managed to survive. She's made a home for herself in the boys' closet, has started walking, and is mimicking phrases like a pro. She was the feistiest one in the nursery from day one of her life in the hospital, and she has become the feistiest child in the house to boot. Tonight while we were sitting in the parking lot while the kids ran track, she made it clear that if anyone attempted to take something out of her hand, she would launch a blood-curdling scream shrill enough to wake the dead and long enough to resound for a three-mile radius. My children can attest to this- the ones that were a quarter of a mile away running on the track. It's like overnight my baby became a toddler.

We also participated in California state testing this week, which is an event in and of itself. For my little home schooled children, a week in a classroom full of other children is the greatest week on the calendar. (More on that later...) Monday morning, we get up early and headed out the door at 8:15 to be in town by 9 for the first day of testing. The girls got their clothes out and set their alarms so that they would be fresh and ready. The boys were chattering excitedly all the way there. We pull into the parking lot to find only two other cars and a couple of parents glancing around watching for teachers. Luckily, someone had the teacher's number in their phone and got the message that the testing would start Tuesday morning. Like a responsible, frustrated parent, I drove straight home and sent a stern e-mail to my teacher to let her know that this was unprofessional and I would need to know exactly what was going on for the rest of the week. She sent me a hearty apology right away with an attachment of the email she had sent the week before. Wow... I felt really dumb. Later in the afternoon, she sent me a second sincere apology and along with the second attachment of the email she had sent three days before. OOPS! I guess I didn't exactly read every word of that one either... gotta love it when you lay down the law and it's your own mistake. I tucked my tail and responded with my own apology. The rest of the week went off without a hitch, but by Thursday, my kids were tired, and crabby, and crying about the silliest things. It was a lot of drama.

Besides the birthday and the testing, it was correctional worker's week. Last year, I had delivered a baby Monday, and Tuesday night climbed out of the car, newborn in tow, and walked into the training center to partake in the free food. It was such a relief to be able to tell my mom that she wouldn't have to cook all week, the bureau was treating us all every night! But that was all it amounted to for me, free food, no clean up.

This year, I found myself wandering up there around three or four o'clock even though we never eat dinner before 5:30. There was something about being in that kind of a social setting, children running around, people laughing; there was no pressure to be anything by myself. I had lots of time to visit, and watch people, and meet people. It was reassuring to me, for some reason.

I've thought about this a lot today, being the first day of nothing extra on the agenda since last Sunday. I found myself wishing that it would go just a few more days. It's not that I don't talk to people , because I spend a lot of time talking on the phone on the weekends and through the week I have some neighbors that I run into here and there. It has become, however, extremely rare to be around that many people socializing these days. I didn't realize it, but I miss it terribly. My life has always been crowded with people until now. (I say that sort of tongue-in-cheek, considering our housing situation!!) Out here in Timbuktu when it comes to doing anything social, it's the Suttons hanging with the Suttons. I wouldn't say that's a bad thing, it's really a blessing when you are forced to take stock of what you've got; especially when your bag is as full as mine. But I miss the chemistry that happens when you start mixing people up. It's something that God must enjoy very much. Life at His house is going to be really gratifying, I'm sure.

Hey there, kids! This is the notorious Tyrannosaurus Rex. Today I'll be talking about this GLOOOORIOUS specimen. Hello there.
Now it's important for me to tell you that you should always keep a safe distance-- Hold on there, Big Fella! We're just here for an innocent field trip. No one needs to get hurt!
Ah! Look at those teeth! And those piercing eyes! I just can't fight him off any longer! Cover your eyes! This is not an expedition for the faint hearted!
AAHHH!! He's chasing me! Run! SAVE YOURSELVES!!!

This stunt was performed by professionals in an elite studio. Don't ever try this at home.



Photos and Plot by Micah Sutton
Commentary by Momma Sutton

DARE to be 100

There was a time when the catch phrase was "paradigm shift". Do you remember this? I don't know if it was just in my little bubble or if it was a trend in the business world too. At any rate, those words seemed to pop up everywhere I went. A paradigm, as I understood it way back in my teenage mind, is an established set of rules or a way of thinking. Reading the book Dare to Be 100 resulted in a serious paradigm shift for me.

The basic premise of the book is that we have the physical capability to live to be one hundred years old, but most of us assume that because our parents died at a certain age, that we'll die at the same age. If our grandparents set the pattern in the generation before, it solidifies that fact; if they died at 72 and our parents died at 72, we'll die at 72. Not so, says the good doctor, Walter M Bortz, II. http://www.walterbortz.com/daretobe100.htm With all kinds of research to back himself up, the rest of the book lays out a plan for how to extend your life well past your genetic map and enjoy the second half of your life as much as the first. **Bear in mind, this is written from a secular worldview and merits no credit in regard to God's plan. I'm simply emphasizing making the best of the life God gives us.

What struck me with marked clarity was the way he segmented life.

Childhood and School Years

Childbearing, Raising Children, and Work

Retirement

Now, in our society, the first two segments are the fruit bearing times and retirement signifies check-out. In the beginning, it is enjoyable and restful but quickly the retiree begins to detach physically and emotionally, leading to compromises in their health and eventually long-term care and/or death. With this perspective, you are looking at 30-40 years after retirement which allows you to dictate what happens day in and day out in your world.

You see, I live in a small world with a lot of people to distract me from life on the other side of the these four walls. I wake up running: get a bottle, get the baby, change the baby, make breakfast for Leila. Greet Tre, answer thirty-nine questions for Tre. Iron clothes for Dale, wake the K, J, and M up for the school. "Eat your breakfast, brush your teeth, straighten your room, get out your workbooks. Sit down! Stop yelling! Take a break while I start this laundry." Make lunch, clean up lunch, little ones down for naps, big ones finish school. Clean up school, start dinner, get dressed for track. Straighten up house, go to track. Feed dinner, clean up dinner, bathe little ones, devotions, put little ones to bed, clean straighten up house, one game of cards, big ones to bed, stare mindlessly at TV, read for a few minutes, bedtime prayers, and a plea for a full nights sleep. Basically, these are my days. I'm not bragging, but they're pretty much awesome.

So the shift came in seeing my life as a big picture. This is why Marley and Me had such an impact on me; it gave me a visual to back up the intellectual transformation that was happening. Instead of seeing the minute-by-minute daily grind, I caught a glimpse of how short this season really is. We've extended the season moderately by having children every other year, but still, in light of a forty year retirement, this ain't nothing.

Knowing this part isn't forever makes it a little less burdensome. I love it, but it is exhausting. It also makes it a little easier to be nice. Someday I'll reap the rewards for all this hard work.

Here's the other thing, if I am going to live that long, I need my body to hold up for that long because I don't want to retire and move into long-term care. I've been to that circus and I'm not looking to move in. Ever. It makes me rethink the ho-ho and go for the apple. I'm making more time to read and less time to stare mindlessly at anything. I'm inspired to run again. The good doctor recommends one hour, three times a week, to keep yourself in shape. That, I can do, and am doing. So look out world, I'm sticking around for a while.

Marley and Me

I can't fully understand why at the end of the day I have this amazing resolve to start my life new the next day, and why by morning it has all faded away with the night as if it was never there to begin with until the night comes again. Tonight I feel new with a snapshot of "real life" in fast forward, thank you very much, Hollywood. I don't know how Jennifer Aniston managed to pull off playing out basically everything I've ever felt about life and marriage and motherhood, when she's never walked in my shoes; but she did it. And I don't know how after years of loathing and distain, I love my dogs like they really are part of our family, but I do.

This life can be such a head spinner... just yesterday I was wishing I could just get to next month so that we could be closer to the end of the school year and I could start making plans for the summer. Now I'm crying over how fast they days have gone and how I'm missing precious moments with my little ones who are becoming little people right before my eyes. Leila is almost as old as Tre was when we moved here! I know it's me. I know it is! But I don't know how to correct the glitch. It's like God is trying desperately to alert me to these lessons over and over and over again and I just keep skating past while waving my own agenda at Him. I don't know if I'll ever learn, but I sure hope so.

I had really determined not to watch this movie; I didn't want to watch something sad about animals. I'm not an animal lover. I had a dog that I loved once, and I mean I would've gone to the grave for her, but once I had kids, I became a "kid person" and my affinity for dogs faded. I'm pretty sure I chronicled how I felt when Max came into our lives right here. If I didn't, let me just tell you that it wasn't pretty. The thing is, the depth of this movie goes so much deeper than the dog... it makes you step back and really evaluate what matters.

I am at a crossroads in my life. I have all these kids that I've been hearding for eleven years. Get them up, dressed, fed, educated, teach them manners, keep them safe, fed, cleaned up, teach the truth, Jesus, and enough sleep, day after day after day. There is a lot in between, but I started the assembly line method of existence shortly after I had Jasmine. Now I have these budding individuals that can't squeeze into my assembly line because they're not all the same shape. Deisha is sleeping through the night, and Kennedy is waking up with strange pox on her face. Tre is creating and building and leaving a trail everywhere he goes, and Micah is swinging from chatter, to bossy, then angry, then sad, then happy-go-lucky. Jasmine is the typical middle child needing approval and trying to fit in, and Leila spends more time in the bathroom primping than anyone else in the house. I am having to switch gears and really make an effort to focus on individual needs, on top of getting them up, checking outfits, feeding, education, correcting bad behaviors, teaching them how to be safe, feeding more, teaching them hygiene, the truth, Jesus, and convincing them to go to sleep instead of giggling into the wee hours of night. It's really overwhelming sometimes.

I've spend so many years saying, "No! Don't do that! Stop doing that! Not in this house!" I want to spend the next eleven years saying, "Yes! That's a great idea! I'm happy for you! We will do this again!" I know it's far fetched, but I feel pressed to turn over a new leaf. There's certainly something to be said for setting boundaries, but at some point you have to open up the doors and let them fly a little. There must be a way to let them go and still hold the line. God, give me the grace to be like You!

Doing What Suttons Do

Dale laughed when his dad pulled a lawn chair out of the car port and started to read a book, but it was no surprise to me when this place became our reprieve at the end of each day. It never occurred to us that this was exactly what we did back home, and maybe it's what we need to do more of here. Our neighbors are moderately reclusive so it's hard to not feel like we're sticking out like a sore thumb, but it didn't matter with Lonnie and Dana here. It just felt like home.

This is the Avila Barn's petting zoo. You can't really pet the animals because most of them are biters, and that only because they get fed from morning till night, day in and day out. What they know is that when little fingers come into the cage, little bits of garden scraps usually come with them. I do not enjoy visiting this part of the barn because most of the animals have abnormally distended bellies, which upsets me every time I see them. Then again, they have these sheep with this manly "baa" that just cracks me up; I love to hear them mbaa-mbaa-ing at us. It seriously sounds like a man's voice!

We didn't get a bag of scraps this time because I purposely avoided the pursuit, *note the above. Leila didn't mind though, because goats will eat hay, grass, leaves, pretty much anything that you stick in the cage. She had a ball rounding up random pieces of the yard to feed the little buggers.

Deisha was having so much fun right before this picture and then as soon as the camera snapped, I was the only one that seemed to really be enjoying myself watching the chickens.

She came around. Poor thing wet through all of her clothes and this was all I had to change her into. It was 85 degrees so I'm sure she appreciated something light anyway. I didn't dare wake her to change her diaper once she conked out; it seemed like it was days between naps. We did a lot of running around and it left her all out of sorts. She's resilient though- much more than her OCD mother.

Showtime!

We have regular shows around here- sometimes Karate, sometimes theater, this time dance. Tre obviously interpreted the show as a lip sync contest.
Jasmine, full of grace, floating through the air like a hummingbird...

...pausing only long enough to hear Leila scream, "STOP JUMPING!"

Kennedy came to show us all how it's done. She saved her money for weeks to buy this outfit, the leotard, the skirt...

...and the shoes.

Clearly, she is full of natural balletic ability.
This is the opening act- everyone doing their own performance on the trampoline at the same time.

Next is Jasmine along with her assistant performers...

...and then Leila put her best foot forward to show us how it's done.

... and then Tre did this for about 36 minutes.And for the grand finale, this girl did what she does best. Sorry you can't get the full effect of her performance. I'm going to have to fire the cameraman.