Wednesday

It's Wednesday. It's Wednesday at 4:54pm and there is no noise in my house. There's no TV muttering, there's no stomping, there's no jumping, no one is crying, no one wants a snack or a new diaper. No one needs me right now, at this moment, I'm a free bird. Oh don't get me wrong, there's housework; there's always housework, but no one needs my immediate attention. If this were yesterday, I'd be scrambling to get dinner on the table because I slept a minute past four-thirty and I have to get it on by five to get it cleaned up by six so I can get my shower done and the house picked up and the laundry switched and folded before I grab a diet A&W Root Beer and a bag of cheddar bunnies and run out the door to work. But today is not yesterday. It's today and it's quiet. I will probably do a couple of loads of laundry, make myself half a sandwich and a glass of iced tea for dinner, pick up here and there, *things that Dale will notice so he'll think I worked hard while he was out* and then show up to work a few minutes early at work to the shock and awe of everyone present. Because no one is home but me. For a few hours, it's just me. Here. In my element.

A few weeks ago someone said to me, "Won't you be glad when your life is normal?" I laughed and said, "Have we met? This is normal!" My life, while it takes turns on the wild side and the mild side, is never mellow. It's never slow. It's never been predictable, and it's never been status quo. This is it. It's what I prayed for and it's what I chose. I didn't always love it, I craved the still sweet life of the stay-at-home mom with one little child and a redundancy of day-to-day sameness. But that's because when it got too hard, I wanted out. Not anymore. I love it. I live for it. Bring the noise.

People ask me all the time, "How do you do it?" And I generally give that old standard answer, "You do what you've gotta do." Elizabeth Elliot is famous for her quote, "Do the next thing" and that has been my motto for years. When I don't know what to do next, I do the dishes. There are ALWAYS dishes in my sink. And then I do laundry. After that I'm usually in the mode and there is a surplus of other chores to be done; I choose what I need to do and the rest can wait. Sometimes the rest waits six months. OFTEN the rest waits six months. But it eventually makes the cut and gets done. I don't know. For me rhythm is everything. Establishing some kind of system has always helped me get through the days. Then on the other hand, flexibility is huge too because what worked last week may not work this week. There's one little factor that also helps, it's the magic pill, and that's sleeplessness. I usually get a ton done if I sacrifice my sleep for it. People ask me about Dale's weight loss all the time too and I always tell them that his diet of eating right and exercising have won him HUGE weight loss success, but in the same way I believe his magic pill is the sauna suit. It's sped up the process.

I'm no superwoman; I don't do anything that anyone else couldn't do if we traded places right now. At the core, Jesus Christ is the only reason for anything good in my life. He is the reason I roll out of bed everyday, whatever time it may be day or night. My life pursuit of Him inspires me to do the things I have to in order to get to the things that most thrill me in my pursuit of Him. The things that satisfy my constant hunger for more of Him. There is nothing humdrum about life when you have found treasure and there is hope of it in the end of your journey. Knowing Christ makes me gracious and full of fervor for living. It makes my household gel. Jesus is base. When the world is pulling us all in different directions; we're tired and cranky and getting on each others' nerves and the house is a mess and the fridge is empty, if we all run to home base, nothing else matters. We're home; we're safe.

So many people live their lives trying to force that to exist where it can't, or running from place to person to place hoping to find it, but they come up with shallow counterfeits. Oh that we together might know Him...

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ-- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:7-14

goodness

We love to sit on the porch. It's not glamorous, it's not fantastic to anyone else, but if you've heard me talk about it you'd think it was the most covetted place in the world to be. For me it is. We used to go out there at night when it was cool and the kids were in bed because we can talk or not and just be together. Sometimes when Dale gets home from work, he'll go out there to unwind and naturally we all eventually join him. Last night we sat out there for about thirty minutes before the kids went to bed because it was so cold yesterday! I call it Fall Teaser because you know we'll have at least two more scorchers before the heat fizzles out. The kids played hide and seek in the yard with Sarah (she's back!!!) while we talked. When we came back in the house, we had a message. Usually the messages on our machine are from his family, my family or any one who is not currently in the house. So when I heard a stranger's voice, my pulse picked up. It was the supervisory chaplain in Mississippi!

It wasn't anything earth shattering, but it was communication and frankly, it was a break in the clouds. Humbling... yes. Maybe I'm fanatical about this stuff(see *blue sky*); no, I know I am. But God, in all of his infinite goodness cares about the little things and while the heavens declare the righteousness of God, I can't be sure that the sky would speak His plans to me. I know He hears and I know He cares so however you explain it, my soul has once again found rest in His leading.

blue sky

This morning as I walked toward my car after work I caught a glimpse of the sky, and I stopped dead in my tracks. The entire expanse was overcast and gray except for a tiny window of light directly before my gaze. At first I was mezmerized by the gray as it appeared to me the clear blue patch was moving away, but then I realized it was the gray that was moving to make way for the perfect beauty of a crystal blue sky, lined with whisps of fine white clouds. For a minute it sort of took my breath away because all around me it was dark except for this one tiny patch of light. I looked around again to see for certain if there were any other open areas but this was it; it drew me in. I took a deep breath and gazed for another minute before I climbed into my van and headed home.

Get it? Well do ya!? Of course you don't because normal people don't look for God in the sky or hear His voice like a whisper in a glimpse of white clouds, but not everyone is as desperate as I am to find Him for answers; I think it was a promise.

Last night I prayed a prayer of desperation from the depths of my heart for relief. I cannot tell you how heavy the burden has become. It's like the ninth month of pregnancy, and not just any pregnancy, the fourth. Mmhmm. It's just like it. We know the end is coming, it has to be, because we can't just keep doing this. It's just not possible. Something HAS to give, something HAS to change in order for this family to function. But we don't know how, and we don't know when, and it's driving us CRAzY!

So when I walked out the door after being awake all night, after sleeping four hours yesterday, it's a wonder that anything caught my attention. It was a moment of peace in the midst of huge shadows and clouds; it gave me breath for a moment, a real deep cleansing breath. I believe our break in the clouds is near.

Perfect timing

We had this really great plan after Dale's first year of school; we were going to start in September of the fall semester of his third year making a valid attempt to create a baby. It never was an effort for us, just nix one step in the process. It seems unfair, but we have gladly accepted each precious blessing in perfect timing.Naturally we were totally freaked when I read two lines on the destiny stick in January, the spring semester of his second year. Our schedules were crazy, we had a complex schedule of sitters lined of for mornings, noons, and nights. I was exhausted working nights and home schooling and staying on top of the housework while Dale worked tirelessly on homework, reading everywhere we went, writing papers into the wee hours of morning, and often working two jobs. *He did all his studying at home engulfed in the chaos of life here because he wanted to spend every free minute near us. He's my hero.* I looked at that crazy thing and laughed. And laughed. And laughed. And laughed. Then I told him when he got home and he looked at me in disbelief. Them we started making phone calls, having accepted the reality of the circumstances, and on the other end of the receiver, we heard, "Oh no"s and "what are you going to do"s and "what about the plan"s. It broke my heart, but I knew it was shocking news. Next time I'll just send an e-mail so it will leave room for settling.
In my excitement I have announced our big news regarding the job and that the end is near. Unfortunately it's not as near as was conveyed to us; still waiting for phone calls to seal the deal. It's like the bad dream that just won't end! I can tell you this. If we had waited, stuck to the plan, I'd be holding a newborn right now, brimming with tears, begrudging the weight, barely sleeping, and also carrying the weight of this burden that has not yet been lifted. I would be worthless to my husband in the responsibility of "bear*ing* one another's burdens and so fulfill*ing* the law of Christ." While I know he could handle it in my express full faith in his capabilities, God knew it was more than he could bear and set us up in perfect timing.Besides, she is the sweetest bundle of marshmallow fluff... I don't know what we'd do without her. She is like a twinkling star in her Daddy's eye. And I wonder if maybe he needed that tiny boost of goodness for this time just to get him through. God never ceases to amaze me; therein my gratitude never ceases to flourish.

Pretty Baby

She's five and I hadn't gotten her final set of shots yet, so I decided to take her in today along with Leila to get her boosters. It was almost more than I could take when I told her. She had no idea that she was also on the shot roster when we left the house. I couldn't stand her being terrified all the way there and then during the course of the wait, so I finally told her when we were within minutes of being called back to the dreaded event. I felt so awful about the whole thing I almost laughed when I told her. I know that sounds terrible, but it was emotional overload. My body almost betrayed me and forced out the laugh. I knew she wouldn't believe me if I gave in to it though, so I just held my ground as my lips quivered. "You're getting a shot today too, honey." She stared in disbelief as the words, like the serum, coursed their way from her ears to her brain to her thoughts. After a few minutes she buried her face in my arm and cried and squeezed and begged and said, "I hate shots!" and then calmed as the fear pulsated with every heartbeat. As much as I know it's not true, it was almost harder on me watching her suffer! Which makes me wonder if God suffers when we do. It's so easy to attribute our emotional hang-ups to His character because we are made in His image, but does the Bible show us that God hurts for us when we are hurting? I believe, yes. Absolutely. *Psalm 56:8 You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?* He has certainly prepared us for a life of hardship and toil if we are walking the very path Jesus walked in this life. He has gone before us to prepare the way and *Psalm 23:4 4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me.* I have read the poem entitled "Footsteps" and thought, "If He carried me, why are my feet blistered?" My life has been a menagerie of hot, hot, fire hot patches in the way that He has walked me through to prepare the callouses so that the next patch would be more bearable. So take heart, Christian. He knows. He feels. He cares. And He is there every step of the way to wrap His arms around you while you buckle down and take the shots, sometimes three at a time.

On living slow

SIS: "Who was she going to see???"
ME: "Her boyfriend."
AUNTIE: "I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND!"
ME: "Daniel" *snicker* SIS: *glances as AUNTIE and back at ME with a knowing smile and snicker* She's going to be nine in seven weeks. She'll be moving out in eight... Not really. I tend to over exaggerate the drama in my life, it's what I live for.

We had this conversation yesterday and it was funny because Kennedy has jumped conversation brackets. The other kids still get giggles and tickles. She's moving past that. We talk about why people behave the way they do when it seems to make such perfect sense for them to do the right thing. We talk about the things girls have to deal with as they grow like why sometimes she has a best friend at church one week and the next her best friend moves when she sits down by her. It's exciting to me that we are already building the conversation in our relationship. I fully anticipated her being twelve before that started to take effect. It's thrilling! What's more, she'll be eleven in two years. According to social services standards, she can legally baby sit when she turns eleven!

I was thinking about it at work the other night; she'll be eleven in two years! Where did the days go? How did we jump from toddling in Nebraska to earrings and fashion girl leggings in Missouri? My friend told me about a book she was reading on reverse parenting, the concept being that you focus your attention on the LASTS instead of the FIRSTS in their childhood. The last time they take a bottle, the last time they crawl instead of walk; the last time they ask you to tie your shoes. It forces you to savor the moments instead of wishing them away. It's brilliant.

Everyone's busy. When people ask me how it's going I almost always say, "Pretty nuts!" And when I ask them, they almost always say, "I've been really busy," or "We've had a lot going on." I don't like to be status quo. I never have liked it, though I have ridden the tide plenty in my life. I decided that I want to slow down the clock. If I spend my days busy, I'll busy myself to the end. While I think it's important to be busy at home, Titus 2:5, it's equally as important to be present at home. I find myself putting off little requests for things like playing games or watching shows or even looking at forts. Things that take only moments I put off to do dishes and laundry and take naps. I have a new inspiration to live slowly. I don't ever want to tell anyone it's been crazy around here. Crazy is the norm. That's like saying, "It's been normal around here!" I want to say it's a wonderful life; it is. And so I'll budget my time better, organize my responsibilities more carefully, not piddle away time sitting in front of this blasted screen, and TRAIN myself to hear the questions when they are fired at me a million a minute.

He's his father's son

Take a picture of this!" *enter into conversation: Tre.* He held this pose while my half dead batteries puttered to reload the next frame. Is he not a perfect reflection of his daddy? And then there are times when he reflects more than his wild side. This child has forced us to consider EVERY POSSIBLE FACET of discipline. He has, since he was 18 months old, pushed the limits minute by minute. And yet he is so sweet; it's been his saving grace his whole life. Lucky for me I too have had the gift of grace extended to me. I don't have any goodness in me, not a single ounce. The farther I reach for my Father's character, the farther I drift from being even momentarily within reach. This job as a CNA, the thorn in my flesh, has taught me nothing except that there is no good in me, nothing good. I work really hard to be kind, to be nice, to say the right thing, to be patient, to handle conflict amidst the beatings and curses and crying and frustration; inevitably I fail... and not simply but miserably. There is nothing good in me. But God... God in His infinite wisdom chose me to partake in His grace. And so I keep coming back, it may be square one every day for three years, but I just keep starting over. I am appalled at how dramatic my responses can be with these sick little old ladies when I know they are out of there minds, and still in the middle of the conflict I beg and claw at salvaging a scrap of my pride, that filthy ridiculous pride that swallows everything that I strive to be as a Christian. Would He only have the mercy to keep me there until I am empty...? I pray not. I have pleaded with Him to remove this thorn, and yet I remain indefinitely. Oh we'll move, but just not yet... and so I wait. It brings me back to this place where I realize that in light of goodness, I am so far away.
But this little face forces me onward in the journey up the ragged rock of Christianity. For his sake I will climb and be slapped and cursed and cut and abused. Because God is the prize and if he sees me climbing he wants to climb right beside me. And sometime in the journey he will truly taste the goodness and be compelled to give his soul to Christ. Life, this abundant life is the joy, it's the refreshment for the journey, but Christ and all of His fullness is the prize. And so I will climb onward and upward.

Isn't this the hugest paper airplane you've ever seen?

"Was Jesus ever a kid?" *enter into conversation: Micah* He's a thinker. Never occurred to me to consider Jesus’ humanity. I knew he was a baby, I knew he had to grow up, but I don't remember if I ever really thought about him being a kid like me, when I was a kid. A kid like one of the other kids on the playground or in my class. He's a thinker like his dad. Not his mother. His mother is flighty, a flake, an air head. I'm not pooling the sympathy vote here, I've come to grips with what I am and I can accept it with no shame. But I am not, by nature, a thinker. What I am is inspired. I'm inspired by God. The depths of Him inspire me to think, to consider, to ponder... And so I find myself scouring the pages of my Bible, grasping at trinkets of His character, His nature, His creation, and the things that thrill Him. In turn these things inspire questions like, what is blessing? I mean, we all want to "bless God" and we know He wants to "bless us" but what exactly does that mean? It will be the subject of my next search in the Word, which will also influence every other study I ever begin because the question remains and every time I find a little bit more, I will add it to the answers I find in my search. And after I've spent time scouring, it begs the question, "what the heck is going on for all of this to be necessary?" Where were they? Who was the author? Why did he want need to write the things he wrote? What was the city like? Who were the people receiving the writing? Which forces me into the history books, Roman culture, Jew and Gentile lifestyle comparisons...

I have SO far to go, SO much to learn, I want to inhale it! If I could, maybe I'd find some answers in this lifetime. But answers are not the end, while it thrills me to find them, or snippets of them; it's the search that's exhilarating to me. It's that in common conversation, the Word influences the things that I think and the responses that come out. While my actions have yet to be affected somehow- my character is so far far far from godly- still I seek knowing that He will change me if I am faithful to commit those things to Him moment by moment. No, I'm not a thinker, nor a studier. It's not my nature to be either. I'd rather eat bonbons and watch General Hospital. It's true. But racing against the tide is much more satisfying; pushing past everything that is natural about what I am in the flesh invigorates me! It's like nothing else in this life.

I love to stop and look into the sky, not just peek or glance, I love to fix my eyes on the vast expanse of the sky because the enormity of it all, the spectacular beauty, and the constant variation make everything else in this life so small. It gives me perspective. *I used to get inspired by trees in the same way; the ones that stand the test of time are so majestic. Some of them show the wounds of time and age, but they still stand tall and strong. And for Dale it was always the sky. But in comparison, the sky is such a reflection of God and trees are a reflection of our journey in the faith. And so, in the years we have spend being melded together, I have become like him... my eyes rarely focus on the trees, but rather the sky. God is forever making us one.*

So thinker or not, my friend, pursue Him. And not in music only or prayers only, but in study and in thought. Seek Him while He may be found.

Better days

Hi, have you met Dale? Than you know why this picture shocks me everytime I look at, it's like I'm seeing it for the first time.

So I'm praying that I'll have at LEAST one writing project done by next spring. With the new home schooling goals, I don't know how practical that is, but without a forty hour commitment to working every week, starting in October, I'll have a little free tiME! WE GOT THE JOB!!! Dale interviewed today. We should have a reporting date in October. Thank you all, with all sincerity, for your prayers for us and the timing on this crazy thing. It has been worth the wait- for this. If we had not been forced to wait the past months, Dale would have gone into the interview totally unprepared, overweight and out of shape. But God...

For years we have lived our lives like Mario- when he's invisible and the fast music is playing- invincible. (my first big word as a kid) When we first got married, Dale worked at Blockbuster as a manager and we only had one car, so I'd go pick him up after he closed and we'd stop at the gas station for a snack... hot dogs, nachos, little white powdered donuts, a full- sugar soda and maybe something with ice cream in it. And then we'd down it all while we watched a movie or two, and then go to bed at about 3AM. That's true. I'm not exaggerating. And that's how we've lived for most of our marriage, the timing changed, the food changed, sometimes it was a large thin crust pepperoni pizza, or a double supersonic burger and french fries, but we've done it for years and it's been normal in our lives. So now when I load up a cup of decaf coffee with sweet n low and plain creamer to get me through the growling tummy part of the night, I breathe a sigh of relief because Dale and I are not loading an artillery shell labeled "heart failure". We have found the path to life and it's paved with salad and sugar-free jell-o. God has given us grace in extending our lives despite our persistence in gluttony. And so we will strive to return the favor in living our lives for His glory.

What's more, we are MOVING!!! HAHAHA! HEEHEEHEEHEE! God has heard and He has answered. It's not the move in location that thrills me to the core; it's the move in our ministry. Dale is going to be living the reality of a dream God began to cultivate in his heart even before he got saved. For me, with the freedom to attend every church service, I am more excited than I have ever been, I've yet to share this with Dale, about taking on a Sunday school class! I have learned that children possess such an incredible ability to retain, and with no obstacles for learning, I want to load my curriculum with all kinds of graspable facts and teach them as much as possible in the time that I'm there. And then start again in the next place. I don't know if this is practical for me; it's something I've been dreaming up for a few weeks as to how I will connect in a church. I've drifted from the desire to sing, I'm not interested in performing as it were... and I don't feel like I am ready to teach women, I have so much to learn... but children, they are so easily influenced. And if I love them, I will be more connected to their mothers than I could possibly be any other way. Plus I can connect my children to other children because every kid loves to party at their Sunday school teacher's house; besides the title gives me a sort of reputability... pray for me. I tend to dream fast and run out of steam before the race. If you know me at all, you know this about me.

At any rate, we are moving forward in an exciting direction and God humbles me at His bidding.
The fact that He would choose us in such dire straits is more than I can imagine. Who am I that He even knows my name? And yet He chose us. But not of our good nature, as we have proven almost by the minute we have none, but by His will. May our lives never be for vanity or worth, but for glory, His glory.

Clarity

If only I had time to write everyday... I find myself full of thoughts that I would love expound on here, but my minutes at home are so divided, and not carefully enough sometimes, I'm afraid, which leaves little time for me to sit in this chair and hash out the things that confound me.

I am amazed in this life at how some things become so precious and others fall effortlessly by the way side. It moves me to think that when we draw near to the Father, He changes us, and not the way we'd like to change, overnight in drastic measure, but as seamlessly as the tide rolling in and out, as gently as the wind sweeping the leaves from the trees; and one day you realize that you aren't the same, you aren't the person you once were, and you breathe a sigh of relief.

The shift in values has given me clarity in the things that matter. There was a time when it was really important to me to be known, to have friends, to have a pretty figure, to have long hair... It used to matter to me that I had insecurities, that my feet were too big, there was unmet desperation in my heart to be accepted and discovered. I was lost... but I've been found.

Dale bought this amazing book called "Timelines of World History". I've been reading it in short segments every chance I get. I was never a student at heart, only by performance, so you can imagine my horror when I looked at a map of the world recently and couldn't place Israel. It's embarrassing to me that I have had to ask Dale what Gnosticism is at least six times. I hate it that when he refers to the first century, I don't know, not even a clue. So having a history book dating back to dinosaurs and covering events from all over the world in my hands is like treasure. It's like a key to the universe. And not because now I know where Israel is, but because now I can open the pages and find Jesus on a timeline, and Moses, and Adam. I can look at a map, a fact of reality, and find where my savior was born and lived and died. I can see where John was exiled. I can see where the Israelites wandered after the exodus. I can find my Father's words in my world. It is THRILLING!

What's more, I have attained some of the things that used to matter to me and I don't care. I've laughed when people have said they have big feet and mine are bigger than theirs because it's irrelevant. That's how I feel about most of those things. I used to live in anticipation of the next person that would notice the quarter of a pound that I had lost, now having broken all the records, I just don't care. I'm just the same old girl I was when I couldn't fasten my tight jeans and I had fuzzy dorky hair. It's still me. But I have found the secret to life; it's like breathing. It's like looking into the Grand Canyon and considering a trek down into it and back up the other side- breath taking. I've found it and it's in the pursuit of Christ, the pursuit of knowledge, the embrace of wisdom; it's in living the Great Commission and running. In every plausible metaphoric and literal sense, it's in running; in training like an athlete inside and out. It's where I've found clarity.

Seek Him, drink deeply of Him as you find Him in the Word! Don't let another day go by without embracing the Scriptures He gave that we might know Him, and come back the next day and the next day and the next day until you can't wait to get back to Him there!!!