Infidel

I'm reading this book about a woman born Muslim and her journey from that life to freedom...
*sort of: There is no true freedom except in Christ and she has not found Him, to my knowledge.*

Her story is brutal. I cannot imagine living for a second the life that was born into. Here I am in America, safe with my children and husband, in a good job, a safe place to live, walking through Wal-Mart. For the first time in my life I look at the walls and walls of toys at our disposal. We could've purchased anything we wanted yesterday. Anything. And I tried to imagine coming from a hut, essentially, where women are property, and children are legally beaten at home and at school and rarely shown affection. There is war and famine and descrimination and violence in the streets. The government is hostile toward the people and they live in fear. Now back to Wal-Mart, where children are bawling because they can't have a green ball because in the rack of balls to the ceiling, the green ones are all gone.

I feel a little guilty. I've tried not to indulge in $4 coffees. And I decided that I'd rather spend 20 minutes tending to my feet at home than $25 in a salon. And instead of going to a department store after bedding that matches the curtains, I'll shop the thrift stores for vintage fabric and tailor something pretty to cover our bed. But I still feel a little guilty about the way I live in America.

It's not even about the money; it's more about the way that I think and evade people sufferings. We love to watch documentaries and a lot of times we'll watch shows about prison life, crime investigations, and the like. The things I can't stomach, I also can't look away from; things like human trafficking and other crimes toward children. I lay in bed and cry for the suffering of others and ache because there's nothing I can do but pray. And if I can't fix it, I'd rather not know. It's so incredibly selfish.

Knowing our lives will not be in vain as we live in blind obedience, not knowing the next destination, gives me some peace. God has planted dreams in our hearts that I am certain He will fulfill: tending to orphans and widows. And if I don't know their sufferings, if I've never read about them or cried myself to sleep on their behalf, how can I ever hug them tight enough when they come into my life? How can I emphathize at all if I have never prayed for God to lift the agony of their burden that I can somehow feel? Make me a vessel of the love of Christ to everyone around me, God. It's all I've got.

Thinking again

One of the coolest things we do at this church is pray together; we break off into groups of 4-6 after worship and pray for each other. You are sitting in a random spot in a crowd of people you don't know, and then BOOM, you're holding hands with complete strangers who are asking how they can intercede for you. And you know what that breeds? Intimacy in the family. I love it.

This morning the couple we prayed with two weeks ago, sat behind us when they came in and we prayed with them again, this time introducing ourselves. Right from the start this guy is sharing his struggle with us. In his eyes I could see the desperation for answers that only God holds. And I can guarantee that God will bring him to my mind every day this week to pray for him and his wife. And here's another cool thing. For three weeks we've gone and all three weeks, the men are the first to speak and the first to pray. By the time it's my turn, the worship leader is already singing again and it's time to sit down. This is an amazing phenomenon. It's something I've never witnessed before.

The pastor is does not preach deep spiritual truths, but he preaches the Word and he leads by example, and these people follow because they love him and they trust him. It's so cool. Because most of the people are in the military, every week they have lost a family since we've been there. He brings them up, says something personal about them and to them and then prays for them. Then they take a turn to talk and they are all so grateful to have been apart of the church. It makes you want to be part of this family.

There are a few elements in this life that really count. It's not your job, because I know from experience, that it's not what you do, it's who you're with. And it's not how much money you have because for most of our lives we've been really po', and for a few months in our lives, we thought we were rich, *hello, tax return* and it really didn't feel any different because we always fretted over it and we still fought about it. And it's not where you are *unless you're in California where the sun heals like laughter and the ocean soothes like good medicine* because if you're alone, you'll still be lonely no matter where you go. It's Jesus, who never leaves, and family, whom you can never get escape because you share blood, and the church, the real church of Jesus Christ where you have home and family in this foreign land.

Yesterday we walked downtown through the Flower Festival, which is a huge ordeal packed with people and music and food and booths. As we were walking through a little area where there were no booths set up, there was a group of people standing together behind a man who was preaching the gospel right there on the sidewalk. After he stopped, the group started to sing about the blood of Jesus, and I cried. I wanted to go stand with them and embrace them like family I had never been introduced to. The kids were so excited when I told them what they were doing that they cheered. It was pretty moving. It made me think of Ezekiel lying on the ground shouting prophecy to the people, who were headed for devastation. I always imagine the people, like they were yesterday, just walking by pretending not to see or hear what was being said. It got into my head and really made me think about this times and the urgency that I should possess regarding lost souls. I've become so lax in my thinking, so self-consumed, that I've barely thought about rescuing the perishing. I can only pray that God will change my thinking, and therein, change my ways.

Excuse me, did you say dial-up?

Yes, yes ma'am I did. People still use it and charge for it too!!! We are in a remote area that is not serviced by DLS providers except for Comcast; and they charge $60 a month for DSL. So forgive my absence from posting.

We are ALIVE AND WELL in California! I feel *almost* at ease about life again. We had a nice hearty crowd of brawny fellows and a few ladies come to help us move out of the storage unit and into our new house and it was all done in two hours, ladies and gentlemen, that's right. Two measly hours.

The Assembly of God church here has proven to be not only kind and helpful, but also generous and warm. They moved us in, set up our beds, brought dinner for the whole crew, and befriended us immediately. I feel embraced. Don't get me wrong, I was cynical and a critical of the pastor from the get-go, but the more I get to know him, the more comfortable I am in our new church. He is sincere; the congregation is friendly and accomodating.

We are moved in, the kids are settling and meeting other kids in the neighborhood... life is good. Thank you for your prayers. I couldn't have done it without them.

A new day!- no, wait, another day.

So we got Dale off to his first day of work before seven this morning and then stalled for a couple of hours, hoping he'd call and say, "The door's open, the house is ours!" I waited as long as I could and then started loading the car, now with an extra box and stroller from storage and double the grocery supply, but less one person. It took three trips, but I got it all in thinking we'd go straight to the house from the hotel. Dale's car was in the parking lot on my last trip down to load the kids in the car and check out.

He greeted me with, "I don't know when we can move in; just pray." I proceeded to check out of the hotel and drive around town with various errands to eat up time. Dale called me and said we would not be able to move in today so I needed to call everyone and let them know it'd probably be tomorrow. I started to let it take me down, but fought for my bearings and managed to maintain some control.

So for the third time, I moved us back into our room just as Dale was arriving back home. We ventured out to another state lake and found yet another perspective of paradise; it's just breathtaking. This one was less "beachy" but there was a huge pier where people were fishing. We walked out about halfway and looked out over the water; you could see for miles. I could watch the ocean for hours... I can't get enough of it.

The kids are showing signs of instability but holding on and still smiling. Scooter, on the other hand, is a little more off everyday. Today he threw up on our luggage while I was loading up, and then again as soon as we moved back into the room. Poor dog. He won't pee in the dirt or the sand unless he's desperate and we have time to wait for him to finds the perfect place. I have grunted and fussed about it for three days and Dale gave me clarity yesterday when he said, "He needs grass." Today I found a patch of green grass that he found suitable to do his business on, here on the premises. Maybe that'll help.

Dale was sworn in today and got his official Bureau of Prisons ID card; that was pretty exciting. He can see the beam of light at the end of this endless tunnel, and when he can see it, we all know it's there.

Even with all the insanity, I can't imagine being anywhere else now that I'm here. God always knows and I'm learning to just follow.

I'm sure you're dying to know!

Church was better than I expected it to be; as consistently promised, the people were surprisingly friendly. The congregation is predominantly made up of air force guys and their families, 30s and 4os, so lots of kids and lots of energy. The kids loved their classes and Leila, who has yet to be trained to sit still in church, went without a fuss to the nursery.

I felt like a train wreck. We had a rough start so it was hard to go in and be approachable. The worship was good- a meek worship leader that loves to worship and obviously doesn't care about appearances. During the course of the service, I heard two other singers with amazing voices, who helped sing on the worship team but didn't take center stage.

All in all, I was pleased and look forward to going back. They don't have Sunday school so I won't be teaching any time soon, but they have a lot of activities for the kids as well as women's stuff, men's stuff, and home groups. I will have to muster up some courage to plug in because I may have to go without Dale, but such is life as a chaplain's wife.

Getting closer

To a breakdown, and the end of this jog in the path. I have never had a nervous breakdown in a clincal sense, but I have felt them coming at several crossroads in my path. I don't think I need lockdown, but a padded room with no noise and no people sounds pretty good right now.

Two nights ago we were on an outing to investigate the new *to us* grocery store, VONS, and Tre got away from us. I heard my name over the loudspeaker and that my son was waiting for me, but couldn't figure out what they said. He was standing at Starbucks screaming my name when a lovely barista settled him down enough to help him find me. We were upset because this isn't home yet and it seems a long way from home so we've not taken any chances with the kids getting out of our sights. So you can imagine Dale's frustration when he told Tre to stay put, turned his back for a second and he took off. He had a good laugh about it until he saw the smoke rolling out of Dale's ears. We stopped at a park down to road to spank him, which I took into my own hands due to my lack of smoke. It was intense, but we handled it.

Scooter stays with us almost all the time too, because the housekeeping staff cleans when we're out and he's a little skiddish, like the rest of us. I'd rather him stay in the car than to have to get him from the pound. But it's wearing on him too.

We went on to the restaurant and as soon as we sat down, Leila dumped my drink clean across the table. Lunch was good, LOVING the west coast clam chowder! but when we got back to the car, Scooter had taken the liberty to poop on every seat. He pooped on every single seat in the car. HAhahaha. I could hardly hold the gut-busting roars from my mouth, but the smoke was rolling again and I couldn't risk to let out a peep while Dale picked it all up and scrubbed each seat with a Windex wipe.

On our way back we stopped at the storage unit to get the letter of employment out of our document box. I was sure it was in there. And guess what? Yep. Nowhere. I climbed over the washer and table to chisel a path through the boxes praying that the letter would somehow materialize out of nowhere, which it sort of did.

Now we're back at the hotel, Leila took a 12 minute nap in the car so naturally while she's in her pack and play for an hour she doesn't ever fall asleep. Instead she poops her pants and smears it all over her legs and arms. Isn't that fun?

I'm losing it. Just going out of my mind. Two nights ago after the kids went to bed, Dale and I are watching TV; he's reading a book and I'm working a sudoku puzzle and I hear in the background a commercial for Colace, a constipation remedy that I am familiar with because of the nursing home, which is where my mind drifted to. I hear myself talking without thinking. I didn't mean to say anything at all, but I tried to cover by saying, "I love you," and then started laughing. I laughed and laughed and laughed until I cried. Then I had to shut it down because it wasn't coming to an end. I wasn't sad or feeling anything at all, it was just one of those weird things that tells me I can't do it all.

I know we'll make it through, it's just down to crunch time and I don't like it.

Nervous?

I have a hard time attending churches that don't know me and this is Saturday night. While I was ironing something to wear for our first Sunday in Lompoc a wave of nerves hit me and I thought, "Maybe we could just..." you know, do anything else besides church. It's stupid. This is God's house and His people, my family; but there are so many lost sheep and clueless shepherds that my cynicism betrays my attempts to be courteous or friendly and scrutiny threatens the entirety of the my experience therein. Forgive my frankness. It's difficult to be this honest here because I am so weak and I don't like to expose it, but here it is.

I'm sure part of it is about being the new girl and not knowing where I fit, but the other part is, where do you plug in and plug away working toward the building up of other believers? Do you wait it out for six weeks and determine what to muddle through or do you try another and another until it "feels" right? I just dread the whole ordeal.

I so long for eternity where there is no question about sheep and goats and it's all real and there's no high society in church, it's all just us, the body of Christ unified eternally.

And while we're on the subject of weaknesses, at least I have something to wear tomorrow that FITS. Yes, there are seasons of high anxiety when I cannot eat and there are those when I can't stop eating. This is one of those seasons; I fear the scale. Thank goodness it's packed away and out of reach. I need so desperately to have some normalcy, fortunately it's coming soon I hope.

Just Spectacular

Tonight, instead of a movie, we drove the twisty-turvy uppy-downy winding road to Jalama Beach, a native hot-spot. The wave of campfire hit us as soon as we got out of the car; and despite the 54 degree blast, there were five guys surfing at sunset. I was shocked at how many campers were lined up in rows because of the cold until we got out and took it all in: mountains, ocean, sunset, deer on the hill... there's just no way to describe it. You'll have to come to get the full effect! I need you, Becky! My dorky camera didn't even come close to a decent picture.

On Fridays Lompoc has a block-long parking lot that hosts a farmers market; we're talking sweet and delicious strawberries, all kinds of vegetables *except corn* nuts, dried fruits and flowers. The farmers cut samples right there to guarantee their produce. Everything tasted sweet to me, even the pecans, and remarkably cheap. I have a new inspiration to cook with all fresh and healthy ingredients. No more mac and cheese, please. Did I mention the seafood? I'm sure you can imagine.

It may come across like everything is coming up roses, but this life is wearing on me. I worry about the expense of it all as much as how we're going to fill up our days. Dale is adventurous and has a knack for making everything fun, which usually makes me the party pooper. But it's only two more days before he starts his job. Please pray that everything goes smoothly. He rented a U-Haul today to move us out of the storage unit and I'm hoping we can get it all in faster than it took us the first time since it's all accessable and we'll have lots of dollies.

I just want to have all my chicks under a roof that is ours and we can sit down and really relax without all these questions hanging over our heads. We are striving to be content in every circumstance, it's just hard. I know I have said countless times that acceptance is freedom, and it is, it's just hard to accept it.

NASA

Every day I make mental notes of all the glorious things I want to write about, but the lengthy posts can become monotonous and boring, so I have to sift through all of my ideas and promise to save the rest for another day. I fear that the wonder will wear off as we slide into the day-in-day-out and the adrenaline that courses through my veins every time we see something new and spectacular won't affect me quite as dramatically on the days when I do decide to post. BUT for now, my time is limited and as much as I would love to write for hours, I just can't. *please forgive if you call and I am brief on the phone. Dale and I rarely have conversations with a third party when we're together and even though the moments are pleniful now, they are no less precious. But I do love you and will catch up with you soon!!!*

I was especially crabby today; at seven o'clock I got up and got to work on laundry and "making sense out of our truck". By ten o'clock I had spent three hours with the kids while I worked and took them to the delicious continental breakfast in shifts. The girls ate twice. So when I got into the shower to head out for our adventure to Solvang, I was hissing and snapping at everyone in my path. It's not that I can't be with them for that long and get my work done; it's that we are on top of each other everywhere we go and the constant noise... hotel life is wearing on me. *you can't let your kids be kids in a hotel on the third floor, or in restaurants, or in Wal-Mart. And we can't stay at the park from morning till night, it's too dang cold! SO when we got home from the adventure, I laid down for a nap. This is something I rarely do when Dale's home unless we nap together, but I think he was pulling for it thanks to my delightful mood. Thanks to an unexpected interruption, I did not nap, but rather laid there thinking about how awful I was the entire day.

Normally in this situation I'd find something to eat and go back to bed. hahaha. Not really. Ok, not ALWAYS, but sometimes I really do that. Only outside the closed door was my entire family that I had been terrible to all day. I exitted the bedroom without a word and made my way to the front bathroom where Leila, the only one brave enough to approach me, joined and we both put on our swimming suits. We went back to where everyone was watching TV and I said, "We're going swimming. See you later." This was followed by squeals and scrambling children.

At the pool we met a family of fellow believers and home schoolers who asked if we were going to "the launch" tonight. Dale said everyone was talking about it, but we didn't know details. Get this. The woman was the wife of one of the ROCKET SCIENTISTS conducting the launch! She told us all the details and our kids had a ball swimming and freezing.

We cleaned up, ate free nachos and hot dogs and headed for the mountain where we could see the rocket. Now let me explain something. They only launch rockets for NASA in two places in the country; Florida and California, and we are only 10 minutes from the best lookout!

It shot through the sky like a ball of light for close to two minutes we watched in awe. I got tears in my eyes and bubbled over for half an hour chattering about how amazing it was that we got to watch that! And how ironic that we decided to get in the pool at the same time at this other family when it was only 60 degrees again? Just incredible.

Keep praying for us and know that I am praying for you!

Another day in Paradise

Leila was awake this morning when I got up and jumped in the shower. After I threw my clothes on, I woke up the kids and started packing our two-bedroom suite. My plan was to get to the storage unit by eight so as not to upset our consistently volitile mover, who wanted to start unloading at 7am. Dale wasn't as concerned about it, considering the amount of money we paid to have him drive and our schedule took precidence over his mood.

We skipped continental breakfast due to the crowds and ran through a drive-thru on our way to the storage unit. At 8:30 there was no sign of him, to my relief. A few minutes later he called to let us know he was in stopped traffic about an hour away. We cruised the town, went to Wal-Mart, drove some more, talked about going to the beach, and got another call an hour later to let us know he wouldn't be there till noon.

Knowing we'd be the only ones there to unload was looming over our heads and it almost tipped the scales as we spent another hour in the car after our three day journey, driving aimlessly to kill time. We decided we should probably get a hotel room since we didn't have arrangements for the next week and being in the truck all night as well as all day was not a desirable option, so Dale went back to the place we stayed two nights prior and tried to talk them down on our room. The thought of spending the said price for a little bit of breathing room was nearly unbearable. They offered a discounted rate but it was still not realistic for five nights. Barrelling through our hesitations, we agreed we should check the Motel 6. After the first room we stayed in smelled like a nursing home, we quickly learned that we should preview the rooms before we pay, so Dale brought me two keys and said to check them out.

As I ventured through the courtyard, I had to step corn cobs and mashed potatoes that had been thrown out on the stairs. The rooms were clean and for smoking rooms, not terribly smokey, so I thought it would be worth the money we'd save. But then as I pulled the door closed behind me I noticed an empty case of beer in front of our neighbors door. That made me nervous; I just don't know this place well enough to trust the Motel 6 yet, so I decided to loosen my pinch on the pennies and go with door number one.

Dale, with his gift of persuasion, went in a third time to talk to the consierge of our original hotel and told him our sad story hoping to gain their favor and get a little more money off the price of the room. I can't be sure, but according to my estimation, we got the room for around $50 off the normal price per night. Whew. They have a nice continental breakfast and an evening reception with hot dogs and nachos for suite guests. *hell-o-o, that's two free meals for a family of seven; and I'd say a no brainer!*

Let me just make a clarification. I packed two large totes full of the kids' clothes for this trip, thinking it'd be practical. It wasn't, so I borrowed two huge duffle bags from my brother and sister-in-law and repacked to create a little space in our truck. Every time we change rooms, we have to reload the car with a pack-n-play, four huge duffel bags, two bags of toiletries, and 6 pillows and comforters, *we all like our blankies* not to mention the portable grocery supply of snacks and the cooler for milk and an endless supply of cold sodas and waters. It's no simple task. SO you can imagine my initial response after scrambling to get our belongings loaded early this morning, when I found out we didn't even check out of our room when they negotiated the price and gave it to us for the remainder of the week. Hahahaha. Same room. We really did just laugh and drag all our loot back up to the third floor. It's good exercise, just like unloading the truck would be.

Rocker, our driver, showed up right after we got back in the car to go to lunch so I dropped Dale off to help set up the ramp and went after food for the kiddos. We got back at 12:30 and I kid you not, the two of us unloaded all that stuff in two hours. WOOP WOOP! I love teamwork. I have to admit I was a little jealous of Brooke when she and Josh hoisted that two-ton couch with brute strength and intimate teamwork. At the same time watching them empowered me to accomplish this overwhelming task with Dale and it proved to be the very same intimate teamwork that I saw in them.

It was 60 degrees all day but we thought we deserved a swim after our hard work so we all jumped in the heated pool and then to the hot tub when it was just too cold. Dinner was Fish and Chips, so super yummy! And then we drove through the mountains for an hour. I can't wait to show you!!! This life out here is just breathtaking. Californians have this reputation of being laid back and I never thought much about it until we got here and were sitting on the beach watching the tide roll in. I scolded one of the kids for something and it felt wrong, like it would upset the natural order if I spoke harshly. While we were driving down this country road talking about how many different colored wild flowers there were, climbing and descending all the way, I had a piece of old gum in my mouth that I would normally just toss out the window, but I couldn't do it! I waited and waited, chomping away until I could throw into a trash can because it just felt wrong.

It's more than beautiful, it's the handiwork of God; the sound of the ocean must resemble his heart somehow; it's so untamed and yet so perfectly ordered. It changes you and inspires you and makes everything seem so small in comparrison. What a gift.