CAUTION! Debbie Downer at 6 o'clock!

I woke up sad today.  It's so funny because last week Monday was such a glorious day!!!  And today I am just kind of sad.  There's no real reason.  I have everything I need or want, I'm just... dissatisfied.  It's the story of my life.  Some days great, other days miserable.  I have always struggled with this very thing, always wishing something was different.  I don't wish for another life, I just wish this relationship was better or that situation would change.  It's so petty.  People are suffering terrible trials in their lives and it is painful to have to sit on the sidelines and just watch them suffer through it knowing there's very little I can do to make it better.  But I start picking things apart in my mind and they start to cave.  So petty. 

I despise this about myself.  What I want to be is truly content- in plenty and in want.  Not just financially but when my heart is full and when I am left longing I wish I could embrace it all.  This isn't the natural way, I don't suppose.  Last night someone said, "I wish I could just be godly and it would come naturally for me the way it does for some people," to which several other people responded, "Oh, it doesn't come naturally for anyone.  I think it's always a fight."  I just don't feel like putting up much of a fight.  Let me wallow in self-pity, just for a day.  That's ridiculous, you say?  What have I to pity myself over?  I know.  It is.  Your very words echo in my ear every time I start to give way to tears.  I smack myself around and tell myself, "This is ridiculous!  What have you got to feel sorry about???"  But I want to.  I want to cut my day short, lock-down in the basement, and get hide all day.  The kids would be thrilled- I'd call it a movie marathon not an escape, of course. 

Funny, these kids.  It really thrills them when I will sit and watch a movie with them.  I so full of myself that  I can't stay awake for more than half unless I'm distracted by something else, even though I know this is the very thing they really love.  It takes virtually no effort or attention, they just want me present.  It's like when they were little, all they wanted was for me and Dale to get on the floor.  We didn't have to play or entertain them, they just wanted us there where they were.  Still do.  Oooooo these days are numbered.  It will all go away and I'll be riddled with regret!  I can see it coming- and here I sit, moaning to myself about nothing with no reason, and yet I still moan.  boooooo. 

I do love God, you know I do.  He gives me peace and rest; it's this blasted flesh that blocks my access.  I indulge it and it gets fatter and makes it harder to get to. 

So here's the remedy.  Do something for someone else.  Today I am going to do two things on my list. They should take less than one hour.  Then I'm going to round up the troops and set up a movie marathon.  HAHA!  You think I'm reverting, but in writing that I realized that even though my motive is to indulge this miserable beast, this would be something that would thrill my kids.  Only to make this about them and not me I will run them to the library to pick out a movie and then make snacks for the marathon.  And I'll knit while they watch movies so that my eyes will stay open from start to finish.  They will love it.  I will love it.  It'll be the start of something good in my day.  mmm.  This is a good plan.  Thanks.

It's Something That I Love

There's nothing miraculous about one of our church services, if you think about it with an American mindset and consider the freedom to worship a given.  It's just that our meeting are really precious to me.  I don't mean to keep coming back to this, but I have prayed for such a long, long time for this very thing that I can't seem to get away from this gratuitous frame of mind.  All these other things that trip me up pale in comparison to being part of this precious fellowship.  It's the accountability, the teaching, and the functionality that I love.

Last week at Bible study, I laid all my cards on the table, so to speak.  I have shared a lot of things in our circle of ladies, but I always strategically position myself behind what's left of the wall that keeps me safe from being completely vulnerable.  In my heart I believe that we'll be here forever and there's nothing to lose by sharing my real, true self, but in my knower I'm pretty sure there is a reason to keep what's left of the wall in place.  For whatever reason, this time when it came to my turn to share I just let it all out.  Starting with the way that I talk to my kids.  I was trying all these alternative routes to changing my attitude toward them and nothing was working so I just spilled my guts about how awful I am everyday in response to countless questions and constant requests for attention.  Usually when I talk to someone about this, we laugh about it and relate perfectly to one another because it is so common.  I explain it away as normal, never giving sin it's full credit therefore nothing changes.  This time one of the women in the group blasted me with reproof.  Her tone was so severe that I get goosebumps every time I think about it.  She spoke from a heart of love, and it was exactly what I needed to hear. I am thankful for such action because it has initiated change in my behavior and my prayer life concerning this matter. 

In our church meetings we have been studying 1 Peter.  The last few verses of the first chapter and the first three of the second teach a remarkable doctrine that I have never heard or been taught in all my years of church-going.  Let me just share it with you.  It says:

1 Peter 1:22 "Since you have in obedience to the truth purified your souls for a sincere love of the brethren, fervently love one another from the heart,

23 for you have been born again not of seed which is perishable but imperishable, that is, through the living and enduring word of God.

24 For, "ALL FLESH IS LIKE GRASS, AND ALL ITS GLORY LIKE THE FLOWER OF GRASS. THE GRASS WITHERS, AND THE FLOWER FALLS OFF, 25 BUT THE WORD OF THE LORD ENDURES FOREVER." And this is the word which was preached to you.

2:1 Therefore, putting aside all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander, 2 like newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the word, so that by it you may grow in respect to salvation, 3 if you have tasted the kindness of the Lord."

God has instilled in us this love for one another, those who are in Christ, along with our new hearts at conversion.  What happens now is that Christ commands us to LOVE ONE ANOTHER FERVENTLY FROM THE HEART.  This kind of love is not an "intentional handshake at greeting time" love.  It's a love that forgives, it is unconditional.  It works in practical ways to show and build depth of love.  It doesn't fade.

The next verses talk about the imperishable seed that we have been born of: the Word of God, the GOSPEL OF CHRIST.  This love will not fade or go away; we are in it for the long haul together.  Essentially, Jesus commands us to love one another with this love that never fades.  This command is only second to loving God wholly!  It is not something that we try to do or want to do, but that we HAVE TO DO.  It is serious stuff!

And further, "putting aside all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander." We have to get all of this out of our vernacular, it cannot abide in our fellowship if we truly, fervently love one another.  Instead, "long for the pure milk of the word, so that by it you may grow in respect to salvation..."  We have tasted the goodness of God, now crave more of Him and His word!  It's so good.

It's not that I wasn't always taught the golden rule, but the emphasis on this directive was never taught in this way.  It's critical.  One of the reasons Christ redeemed us to himself was to love His body, the church.  What an amazing gift He has given to us in giving us one another! 

Finally I have to share how I am seeing the functionality of this passage even now, played out in our fellowship.  We've been having church here at our house for several weeks now.  There has not been one Sunday that everyone left and I had to work to get the house back in order.  Usually I don't even realize the kitchen is being cleaned up until it's almost done.  People just get up and start working.  After a buffet-style meal for forty people, that's a huge blessing.  I never expect it, and I am always grateful.  It is a small act of love and service that means so much to me. 

I pray that each of you find yourselves in a fellowship of believers that truly loves one another, even if there are only a few together.  It makes the journey such a joy rather than an uphill siege.

Sunday, lovely Sunday

After a week full of answered prayers the Lord blessed us with the gift of a cool, breezy morning.  Dale's mom was with us this morning and got to enjoy a beautiful start to a lovely day.  We all sat on the porch talked for a while, then we watched as a mother bird tutored her baby bird in the ways of the world.  The baby hopped back over the yard while she flew back and forth from ground to tree limb making short hops in between to teach the tiny thing how to do it.  It was the most precious sight!  We could have stayed all morning and watched them.

In case you're curious I am seventeen weeks now and have been showing since I was about six hours along.  When my tummy is nice and round I will post some pictures.  Until then, it's too hard to get a photo that is flattering in any way.  I am enjoying a healthy mix of normal clothes and maternity clothes, which is nice because I don't feel totally confined to my narrow maternity wardrobe.  We'll see once fall hits how that all plays out.  The Lord continues to provide in the most amazing ways, and I am abundantly thankful.

Now that my kids have accomplished sooo much of the housework in prep for church tonight, I could sit here and stare at this screen for the rest of my free time, but I won't.  I always feel scattered when we get down to the four o'clock hour- especially if I haven't had a chance to fix myself up after the rat race.  So... In an effort to avoid that I guess I'll get on it.  Or maybe take a nap.

Lake of the Ozarks 2010: Part Two

This is the lookout point over Truman Lake.  We watched a little movie about why the lake was built (while the real adventurers trekked out into the heat to visit the one room schoolhouse a mile away); it was quite fascinating!  I couldn't give you many details in recollection because that's not really my strong suit, but I will tell you that the flooding in this area caused millions of dollars worth of damage.  The lake is a blessing that keeps on giving to the community.

Deisha and I spent many hours in the car while she napped.  It was more important to me that she rest and be tolerable later than for her to catch up with the fun that everyone else was having.  I didn't mind being that I'd rather sit and people watch anyway.  When she did wake up this day we went straight into the Dogpatch, a huge gift shop, on the strip downtown.  Little did I know when we walked in that we would stop just a few feet from the front door and there stay planted for close to twenty minutes.  The toys, the candy, and the shiny rocks were no distraction for this little mama.  She fell in love with the hermit crabs and made it her duty to watch over them for as long as I would allow it. 

Frankly, I loved watching her watch them in wonder.  If I only had one child, I would have come home with a hermit crab that day.  I should say if I had only had one child and had not already buried seven previous crabs, I would have bought her one to love for it's short life. Nothing lives too long in her care; she literally loves them to death. 

Here is the crew next to the stream flowing out from the springs at Ha ha Tonka.

Further into the state park there are castle ruins.  Who knew there were castles in the Midwest hundreds of years ago.  I can't give you more details than that because it was a million degrees.  It was all I could do to keep walking and snapping pictures around this wonderful mystery.  There was nothing left in me to read the signs.  But don't fret.  We'll go again and I'll tell you all about it next time.  I'm sure you're dying to know!

The main reason we ventured further into the park was for Deisha, Tre, and Leila.  Tre was too little to remember from our previous trip, and Leila and Deisha were just dreams in our hearts the last time we visited.

Here is how everyone else enjoyed the castle ruins.

This stairway leads up to a lookout point over the springs.  You can actually see this point from the castle ruins and conversely the castle ruins from this point.  Pretty neat.  I've never climbed the six thousand or so stairs to the lookout point.  That may surprise you about me, but it's true.  Tre, however, ran up and down the stairs twice before I stopped him from a third trek up.  It was a hundred degrees.  He also wore this fur hat every minute of the trip that I didn't make him take it off.  I finally said, "Tre, if you are sweating, I want you to take off your hat." He conceded but it was not without a little pout.  It was his first real Davy Crockett hat; who could blame him?

Lake of the Ozarks 2010

This is the third time we've gone to Lake of the Ozarks with the Richmond Suttons.  Every year we try to do all the things we did the years before to keep our traditions going, starting with Gravois Mills.

You might be surprised to learn that the sign on the gate said the place was closed when you see these pictures.  It looks like a goldmine to me, but for whatever reason the place was run down and the ground keepers house was empty. We managed to find a way to enjoy ourselves regardless of the signs.

Next stop, Haha Tonka State Park, I think.  There is a natural spring about half a mild down this path.  In 95 degree weather, it seems like a long walk.  It was, however, shaded and near the stream which is about 57 degrees, so it wasn't as bad as I anticipated.

I guess it wasn't exactly the next stop.  It was one of the places we went.  Forget what I said about that.  I don't even know if that's where I took this picture, but it might have been.  I was precariously snapping pictures amidst my heatstroke.  Forgive me.  I am still suffering the effects of it.

It's so cute to see these two together.  She has always adored him.  By the way, this wasn't the only picture of Lonnie and a trash can, but in the other one Dale insisted on revealing his stomach knowing full well I wouldn't post it.  He has this thing about having his picture taken lately...

I have lots more pictures to share but they will have to wait for the next time.  Happy day to you!

First Day of School!!!

I have to tell you, this is the first year, in all of my seven-ish years of homeschooling, that I have felt hopeful about the school year.  Don't get me wrong, I have been excited before, but that's not saying much. This year I have a different perspective, a new outlook.  I have a general sense of okayness. 

With that said, we had a relatively predictable first day of chaos and disorder.  The difference was that this year there was no yelling, no one cried, and I don't feel like eating a whole carton of butter brickle ice cream to settle my nerves.  I feel good. 

What changed, you may ask?  My fetters were loosed.  The expectation of educating five children at five grade levels blew my mind, and it fettered me, so I cut it off.  The idea that it was necessary to teach math, English, science, history, grammar, spelling, reading, and writing on a daily basis fettered me too, so I let that one go.  The fact that every fifteen seconds someone interrupts what I am saying to ask me a question fetters me.  Actually that one drives me over the cliff.  (It's a part of my vocation that I struggle with every day, all day long, and I have yet to embrace it.  I discourage it, really.  I may have been quoted recently in saying, "Please don't ask me unnecessary questions!!" after one of my children bombed me with ridiculous questions for fifteen minutes and then laughed and said it was just a joke.)  By planning fewer lessons and organizing the necessary lessons differently I have been able to curb the interruptions while I am working one-on-one.  The space helps too.  Instead of being dog piled into one area we are able to spread out.  It's a welcome change. 

Victoria Botkin really drew me into greener pastures with her "Curriculum Advice" lecture series. Her whole approach, after schooling seven children, is to relax.  Don't focus on grade levels, busy work, and achievement tests.  Spend time being creative and allowing for discovery. 

After graduating with a 4.0 and little recollection of the prior years' learning, I have come to realize that my deepest understanding came from a hunger to learn, and the quest following that hunger.  If I can trigger that in my children, they will sprout a love for learning that may prove to be lifelong.  If I am hostile and tyrannical in our daily lessons this dream will never become a reality.  It's not a race, it's a diligent investment, and with that in mind, I think I can.  I think I can.  I think I can, but only by the grace of God. 

Blessings

We have been blessed to be welcomed into the church that we have been praying for, for years and years.  It seemed like a simple request, but the rarity of our fellowship is such that it took over a decade, and travelling back and forth across the country to find it.  I can't say that I am surprised, I honestly didn't think it would ever happen, but it was well worth the wait.  I don't think I could've possible appreciated it way back then when I was wishing for it, as much as I do now. 

What I love about it is... for one thing it's small; eight families.  Worship is intimate, reverent, and the focus is never on a person or a performance, but it is always Jesus.  The Bible teaching is core, systematic, and sound doctrinally.  There is an opportunity for everyone to share every week, either prayer needs, or exciting answers to prayer, or things to sharpen one another.  The kids sit through every service, gleaning what they can from the depth of the teaching, and after each meeting, we have a meal together.  There is a real opportunity to bear each others' burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ because we know each other, and we continue to learn about each other every week.  We share our heavy burdens and they are lightened.  There is wisdom in many different areas from each walk of life, and there is a very real love for the brethren.

I can't even describe to you what a blessing it has been to be part of this body.  I guess the biggest thing is that I feel safe; safe to share, safe to invest, safe about my future there. There are people in our fellowship that are enduring immeasurably difficult trials, but they are victorious because in Christ they have not had to walk through the darkness alone.  While there is heaviness at times, there are people around them consistently to hold their hands and encourage them to keep going.  It gives me the confidence to accept anything that may come our way with grace and courage in Christ, knowing that He will sustain me, and that the body of Christ will without a doubt come to my aid in my time of need. 

Praise be to God, the Giver of every good and perfect gift!

And then there were seven

Let me start by saying WE'RE PREGNANT!  Haha!!!  Another Sutton will be making its way into the world in nine-ish months. 

Were we surprised?  Relatively.  I guess as much as you were, maybe a little less. 

Did we plan to have another baby?  Moreso than any other child, surprisingly. 

Are we going to keep having babies until we're unable to have anymore?  It's difficult to say.  My life is not my own.

We've talked about letting go of the controls in this area of our lives and frankly, its what we should have done from the beginning.  This is a walk of faith.  If we really believe that children are a blessing, a gift, a reward... well that's all I'm saying.  How real is this faith?  There are a million practical reasons not to have more children.  I thought of them all before anyone brought them to my attention.  But I believe the Bible is the standard, the manual, the actual Word of God.  It is the very rock that I want to be established on.  And it says to have children, that children are a gift from the Lord, they they are a heritage, they are like arrows in the hands of a warrior.  How can I not accept this blessing?  And besides, where does it say, "Be practical about chosing when and how many children to have."  It's God who does the chosing.

I don't know why He chose us to impart this abundance to.  It's humbling, especially in moments of weakness when I am at the end of my well of virtues and find myself screaming at some poor child in my home who is certainly undeserving of such a response. 

Pregnancy turns my internal thermostat to "moderately hostile" from morning to night.  As hard as I fight it, there is nothing good in me and the ugly continues to roar in the face of my family members.  So rather than blow every five minutes, please pray for me to be quiet.  Even if rage burns, I want to keep it locked behind my lips.  It's a new resolve. 

So there you have it.  Celebrate with us.  New life is coming!

The beat goes on

When we first moved in, I was on a roll.  I was getting up early to pray and read the Word, the house was clean, the laundry was caught up, I had it all together, except for the cooking part.  That is still a work in progress.  But lately, ugh.  I'm tired.  I'm lazy.  I'm in a slump.  I just want to sit around.  It's really a blessing that we don't have cable because this is the time when I would willingly subject myself to hours of the cooking channel with reckless abandon. 

Fortunately for my family, we don't have cable.  Instead I find myself staring at the wall.  I am starting to lose ground with the house, but I am at least trying to plan my meals ahead a day at a time.  Tonight, fortunately, we have the church pot luck and I can get by with a broccoli salad, a pan of baked beans, and a loaf of bread.  Someone will inevidibly bring hot dogs for the kids and there will be a nice colorful salad, if nothing else, for the grown ups.

I'm just tired.  And now my house is filled with noise again and I am starting to lose my mind when there are more than three people screaming at the same time.  Sometimes it's all I can do to manage this cup and little spoon.

Such is life.

Hi!

Oh, yeah!!!  Suprise, surprise!!!  I AM BACK!  Today I want to write about blogs.  There are so many of them.  I mean, anything I want to learn about from real people, there are literally enough blogs about that thing that I can catalogue a whole list of them- just ones I really love!  Seriously- in my favorites I have homeschooling, cooking, couponing, design inspiration, current events.... it could go on and on.  Depending on my mood, I can open the folder and learn all kinds of things about those very things.

Here's the thing about bloggers.  They have some sort of mastery.  They are good at one of those things on the list.  Get it?  I read them and want to master these things, but there's no way to master the whole list, so I read it and get inspired, and then I read some more and I start to feel inadequate. 

I always wondered what my life would be like if I didn't probe into other people's lives and try to compare myself and then try to morph into that mold.

I've been piddling away the day.  Our summer vacation started at my mom's where we celebrated my grandma's 80th birthday, which was super-duper loads of fun.  Then we came back, three kids short, and spent three days with Dale, who had a super-duper three day weekend after our weekend.  Which gave me a six-day weekend with three less kids.  The house was already clean and there's barely any laundry, so since he's gone and there's not much to do, I'm piddling away my days.  And then I got on this website  http://megduerksen.typepad.com/whatever/ and started reading and it made me want to do more with my kids this summer- to be intentional.  I spend so much of my time trying to make MY life more simple but my kids are off doing their own thing and the day's gone. 


There has to be more that I can do to make this a great summer for my crew.  She has a to-do list on her wall for the summer.  That's what I think we'll do.  We'll make a checklist and then at the end of the summer, we can look back at the list and talk about how great it was.