Monday, Happy Monday!

I think about this blog a lot during the day.  If I could be down here writing all the time, and it's probably a good thing I can't, I would. 

Let me first apologize for not including more pictures.  I really don't like it when people post web cam photos of themselves in every post just to fancy it up.  It seems silly.  You know what I look like; it only changes when I am pregnant or have a major event coming up that I want to be skinnier for.  What you are really hoping to find is a photograph of my kids or our house or something creative- like a bug or a project.  You don't want to see me with my frumpy "stay in the house all day" hair and my smeared mascara from last night because I don't shower until we are about ready to walk out the door or Dale is about to walk it...  It's just the way it is.  I know you, the few, the faithful, will return and read- if not skim- this post; dazzling photos or not!  It's because you love me.  And reading blogs is fun.

The thing I think about the most, besides not having pictures because Sandy told me I need them, is that this is sort of a confessional.  I'd much rather you come here to read something charged with insight, or some snippet of wisdom I picked up somewhere, or something them challenges you to change it up somehow.  I'd really love for this to be like the Chesterton days, when I was reading real literature and sharing deep thoughts about God and His ways.  Unfortunately my reading is choppy and scattered and so are my thoughts.  I've been trying to get through the first chapter of a book I picked up from the library by John MacArthur for several days; there just isn't any uninterrupted time in my day.  I am trying to remedy that, but it's tough when your kids aren't napping anymore!  So naturally, the meditations of my heart are scattered.  Is there a way to create depth in your life when you are in my shoes with big kids little kids and kids in-utero?  Seriously, if you have found it, please call me.  Getting up early is a legitimate option, but it's not very practical in the rhythm of our life.  Anything else?

I keep missing the point.  I want to share a lot of the things I think about here because I know you think about them too.  But I'm not good at knowing what is right to share and what's not.  You don't care.  I think you would love it if I just spilled my guts.  Especially now- I'm so self-absorbed when I'm pregnant.  (ha ha, Dale.  MORE self-absorbed when I'm pregnant.) 

It's no wonder I am having a break-down every other day.  When you are fixated on yourself and your life all the time, it's easy to see flaws everywhere.  See I'm kind of an idealist.  I want things to go a certain way, the way they should go.  And when they don't, I cry.  Or yell.  It's because I am abiding in Becca and not in Christ.  Pray for me.  I am really struggling.  I feel super vulnerable and super defensive at the same time.  At the risk of looking pathetic I am not sharing my feelings outside these four walls, but I am on the verge of tears when I go out.  It's taking serious fortitude to make myself go anywhere.  It's part of being pregnant and being me. I am not "putting on" the virtues that are so critical to our faith- especially the one I was just touting days ago on the this blog.  But I feel sort of breakable and it's easier just to hunker down and hide out with my crew- they ask why I'm crying and believe me when I say I'm just tired. 

On a happy note, I've been trying to get the camera out despite all my groanings about it earlier, because I keep catching the little girls doing funny stuff.  Micah, however, has been using my camera for stop-motion videos and is mid-project every time I want to capture a moment.  Like yesterday; I walked into the kitchen to find Deisha sitting at the bar on a stool in her diaper.  She had rigged her nightgown up like a cape by hanging it over her head and putting Tre's winter hat over it to hold it.  It was the funniest thing!  She is so imaginative and I love it!!!  Just cracks me up, but it would have been way cuter with a photo and subtitle. 

It's all about the juggling.  I'll get all the balls in the air eventually. 

lvb

Co-op and Stuff

I have to tell you, the co-op was not what I expected.  We were happily surprised to see lots of children in each of the kids' age groups- which shouldn't have been a surprise being that I had a kid in almost every class.  They all had lots of fun and I was in the nursery for most of the day.  Listen. I'm not a nursery gal.  I did it and it was fine, but I did not love it.  I was, however, grateful for the taco soup at the end of the tunnel!  It's silly, but knowing that I had dinner in the crockpot made it so much easier not to stop at a drive-through on the way home.  The kids were practically begging.  One mention of taco soup shut it down.  Seriously!  There is no doubt that if I had not made dinner it would have been double cheeseburgers all the way.
Poor Dale did not get his QT hot dog, not from me anyway.  By the time he and Leila made it home from their special day, I was already in jammies and snuggled down for the night.  Actually by 6:00 I was dressed for bed and clocked out for the day.  It wasn't that the day was labor intensive, really, I just... I'm kind of a whiny-pants and my energy doesn't go very far.  It doesn't help that I've abandoned my healthy eating and exercise, so I am running on simple sugars and carbohydrates and minimal protein.  They run out pretty quickly... and I'm surprised? 

My moods swing more drastically too.  I've gone from elation to deep, deep sadness, to explosive hostility in a matter days- hours even.  It's the food.  It has to be the food.  There are ways of managing this pregnancy and I am not doing it.  Pray for me!  ARGH!!!  It's a mountain I fear I will never get over.

Feeling Better

The Movie Marathon was just what we needed.  I took the kids to the library to get their movies, and then we went to Price Chopper to pick up everything we needed for Root Beer floats and Scamboli Bread.  It was a real treat for the kids; snapped me right out of my funk.  We started with Ratatoui, next was Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, followed by Kit Kitteridge. (cutest movie ever!)  I managed to knit all of the body and most of the head of my first project.

Today we have some pretty big excitement.  It's the first day of our co-op.  One of the girls at church invited us to go, and we couldn't be more thrilled.  I have been hunting for something the kids can do outside of church and house that they could do at the same time, rather than running in all directions.  It should be fun.  I am looking forward to it.

It's funny how having something on our schedule gets me all worked up.  We got up early this morning in order to squeeze in one math lesson and get ready for our coop that we have to leave for at noon.  I am planning to do some Spanish lessons on tape in the car that I bought at a garage sale.  Can't hurt, right?  The only thing is, I need to get something in the crockpot for dinner and... well Dale's not going to eat taco soup.  I might just throw that in for the kiddos and whip him up a masterpiece later- like a QT hot dog or something magical like that. 

Hope you're enjoying this lovely cool front today!  I know I am!!!

CAUTION! Debbie Downer at 6 o'clock!

I woke up sad today.  It's so funny because last week Monday was such a glorious day!!!  And today I am just kind of sad.  There's no real reason.  I have everything I need or want, I'm just... dissatisfied.  It's the story of my life.  Some days great, other days miserable.  I have always struggled with this very thing, always wishing something was different.  I don't wish for another life, I just wish this relationship was better or that situation would change.  It's so petty.  People are suffering terrible trials in their lives and it is painful to have to sit on the sidelines and just watch them suffer through it knowing there's very little I can do to make it better.  But I start picking things apart in my mind and they start to cave.  So petty. 

I despise this about myself.  What I want to be is truly content- in plenty and in want.  Not just financially but when my heart is full and when I am left longing I wish I could embrace it all.  This isn't the natural way, I don't suppose.  Last night someone said, "I wish I could just be godly and it would come naturally for me the way it does for some people," to which several other people responded, "Oh, it doesn't come naturally for anyone.  I think it's always a fight."  I just don't feel like putting up much of a fight.  Let me wallow in self-pity, just for a day.  That's ridiculous, you say?  What have I to pity myself over?  I know.  It is.  Your very words echo in my ear every time I start to give way to tears.  I smack myself around and tell myself, "This is ridiculous!  What have you got to feel sorry about???"  But I want to.  I want to cut my day short, lock-down in the basement, and get hide all day.  The kids would be thrilled- I'd call it a movie marathon not an escape, of course. 

Funny, these kids.  It really thrills them when I will sit and watch a movie with them.  I so full of myself that  I can't stay awake for more than half unless I'm distracted by something else, even though I know this is the very thing they really love.  It takes virtually no effort or attention, they just want me present.  It's like when they were little, all they wanted was for me and Dale to get on the floor.  We didn't have to play or entertain them, they just wanted us there where they were.  Still do.  Oooooo these days are numbered.  It will all go away and I'll be riddled with regret!  I can see it coming- and here I sit, moaning to myself about nothing with no reason, and yet I still moan.  boooooo. 

I do love God, you know I do.  He gives me peace and rest; it's this blasted flesh that blocks my access.  I indulge it and it gets fatter and makes it harder to get to. 

So here's the remedy.  Do something for someone else.  Today I am going to do two things on my list. They should take less than one hour.  Then I'm going to round up the troops and set up a movie marathon.  HAHA!  You think I'm reverting, but in writing that I realized that even though my motive is to indulge this miserable beast, this would be something that would thrill my kids.  Only to make this about them and not me I will run them to the library to pick out a movie and then make snacks for the marathon.  And I'll knit while they watch movies so that my eyes will stay open from start to finish.  They will love it.  I will love it.  It'll be the start of something good in my day.  mmm.  This is a good plan.  Thanks.

It's Something That I Love

There's nothing miraculous about one of our church services, if you think about it with an American mindset and consider the freedom to worship a given.  It's just that our meeting are really precious to me.  I don't mean to keep coming back to this, but I have prayed for such a long, long time for this very thing that I can't seem to get away from this gratuitous frame of mind.  All these other things that trip me up pale in comparison to being part of this precious fellowship.  It's the accountability, the teaching, and the functionality that I love.

Last week at Bible study, I laid all my cards on the table, so to speak.  I have shared a lot of things in our circle of ladies, but I always strategically position myself behind what's left of the wall that keeps me safe from being completely vulnerable.  In my heart I believe that we'll be here forever and there's nothing to lose by sharing my real, true self, but in my knower I'm pretty sure there is a reason to keep what's left of the wall in place.  For whatever reason, this time when it came to my turn to share I just let it all out.  Starting with the way that I talk to my kids.  I was trying all these alternative routes to changing my attitude toward them and nothing was working so I just spilled my guts about how awful I am everyday in response to countless questions and constant requests for attention.  Usually when I talk to someone about this, we laugh about it and relate perfectly to one another because it is so common.  I explain it away as normal, never giving sin it's full credit therefore nothing changes.  This time one of the women in the group blasted me with reproof.  Her tone was so severe that I get goosebumps every time I think about it.  She spoke from a heart of love, and it was exactly what I needed to hear. I am thankful for such action because it has initiated change in my behavior and my prayer life concerning this matter. 

In our church meetings we have been studying 1 Peter.  The last few verses of the first chapter and the first three of the second teach a remarkable doctrine that I have never heard or been taught in all my years of church-going.  Let me just share it with you.  It says:

1 Peter 1:22 "Since you have in obedience to the truth purified your souls for a sincere love of the brethren, fervently love one another from the heart,

23 for you have been born again not of seed which is perishable but imperishable, that is, through the living and enduring word of God.

24 For, "ALL FLESH IS LIKE GRASS, AND ALL ITS GLORY LIKE THE FLOWER OF GRASS. THE GRASS WITHERS, AND THE FLOWER FALLS OFF, 25 BUT THE WORD OF THE LORD ENDURES FOREVER." And this is the word which was preached to you.

2:1 Therefore, putting aside all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander, 2 like newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the word, so that by it you may grow in respect to salvation, 3 if you have tasted the kindness of the Lord."

God has instilled in us this love for one another, those who are in Christ, along with our new hearts at conversion.  What happens now is that Christ commands us to LOVE ONE ANOTHER FERVENTLY FROM THE HEART.  This kind of love is not an "intentional handshake at greeting time" love.  It's a love that forgives, it is unconditional.  It works in practical ways to show and build depth of love.  It doesn't fade.

The next verses talk about the imperishable seed that we have been born of: the Word of God, the GOSPEL OF CHRIST.  This love will not fade or go away; we are in it for the long haul together.  Essentially, Jesus commands us to love one another with this love that never fades.  This command is only second to loving God wholly!  It is not something that we try to do or want to do, but that we HAVE TO DO.  It is serious stuff!

And further, "putting aside all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander." We have to get all of this out of our vernacular, it cannot abide in our fellowship if we truly, fervently love one another.  Instead, "long for the pure milk of the word, so that by it you may grow in respect to salvation..."  We have tasted the goodness of God, now crave more of Him and His word!  It's so good.

It's not that I wasn't always taught the golden rule, but the emphasis on this directive was never taught in this way.  It's critical.  One of the reasons Christ redeemed us to himself was to love His body, the church.  What an amazing gift He has given to us in giving us one another! 

Finally I have to share how I am seeing the functionality of this passage even now, played out in our fellowship.  We've been having church here at our house for several weeks now.  There has not been one Sunday that everyone left and I had to work to get the house back in order.  Usually I don't even realize the kitchen is being cleaned up until it's almost done.  People just get up and start working.  After a buffet-style meal for forty people, that's a huge blessing.  I never expect it, and I am always grateful.  It is a small act of love and service that means so much to me. 

I pray that each of you find yourselves in a fellowship of believers that truly loves one another, even if there are only a few together.  It makes the journey such a joy rather than an uphill siege.

Sunday, lovely Sunday

After a week full of answered prayers the Lord blessed us with the gift of a cool, breezy morning.  Dale's mom was with us this morning and got to enjoy a beautiful start to a lovely day.  We all sat on the porch talked for a while, then we watched as a mother bird tutored her baby bird in the ways of the world.  The baby hopped back over the yard while she flew back and forth from ground to tree limb making short hops in between to teach the tiny thing how to do it.  It was the most precious sight!  We could have stayed all morning and watched them.

In case you're curious I am seventeen weeks now and have been showing since I was about six hours along.  When my tummy is nice and round I will post some pictures.  Until then, it's too hard to get a photo that is flattering in any way.  I am enjoying a healthy mix of normal clothes and maternity clothes, which is nice because I don't feel totally confined to my narrow maternity wardrobe.  We'll see once fall hits how that all plays out.  The Lord continues to provide in the most amazing ways, and I am abundantly thankful.

Now that my kids have accomplished sooo much of the housework in prep for church tonight, I could sit here and stare at this screen for the rest of my free time, but I won't.  I always feel scattered when we get down to the four o'clock hour- especially if I haven't had a chance to fix myself up after the rat race.  So... In an effort to avoid that I guess I'll get on it.  Or maybe take a nap.

Lake of the Ozarks 2010: Part Two

This is the lookout point over Truman Lake.  We watched a little movie about why the lake was built (while the real adventurers trekked out into the heat to visit the one room schoolhouse a mile away); it was quite fascinating!  I couldn't give you many details in recollection because that's not really my strong suit, but I will tell you that the flooding in this area caused millions of dollars worth of damage.  The lake is a blessing that keeps on giving to the community.

Deisha and I spent many hours in the car while she napped.  It was more important to me that she rest and be tolerable later than for her to catch up with the fun that everyone else was having.  I didn't mind being that I'd rather sit and people watch anyway.  When she did wake up this day we went straight into the Dogpatch, a huge gift shop, on the strip downtown.  Little did I know when we walked in that we would stop just a few feet from the front door and there stay planted for close to twenty minutes.  The toys, the candy, and the shiny rocks were no distraction for this little mama.  She fell in love with the hermit crabs and made it her duty to watch over them for as long as I would allow it. 

Frankly, I loved watching her watch them in wonder.  If I only had one child, I would have come home with a hermit crab that day.  I should say if I had only had one child and had not already buried seven previous crabs, I would have bought her one to love for it's short life. Nothing lives too long in her care; she literally loves them to death. 

Here is the crew next to the stream flowing out from the springs at Ha ha Tonka.

Further into the state park there are castle ruins.  Who knew there were castles in the Midwest hundreds of years ago.  I can't give you more details than that because it was a million degrees.  It was all I could do to keep walking and snapping pictures around this wonderful mystery.  There was nothing left in me to read the signs.  But don't fret.  We'll go again and I'll tell you all about it next time.  I'm sure you're dying to know!

The main reason we ventured further into the park was for Deisha, Tre, and Leila.  Tre was too little to remember from our previous trip, and Leila and Deisha were just dreams in our hearts the last time we visited.

Here is how everyone else enjoyed the castle ruins.

This stairway leads up to a lookout point over the springs.  You can actually see this point from the castle ruins and conversely the castle ruins from this point.  Pretty neat.  I've never climbed the six thousand or so stairs to the lookout point.  That may surprise you about me, but it's true.  Tre, however, ran up and down the stairs twice before I stopped him from a third trek up.  It was a hundred degrees.  He also wore this fur hat every minute of the trip that I didn't make him take it off.  I finally said, "Tre, if you are sweating, I want you to take off your hat." He conceded but it was not without a little pout.  It was his first real Davy Crockett hat; who could blame him?

Lake of the Ozarks 2010

This is the third time we've gone to Lake of the Ozarks with the Richmond Suttons.  Every year we try to do all the things we did the years before to keep our traditions going, starting with Gravois Mills.

You might be surprised to learn that the sign on the gate said the place was closed when you see these pictures.  It looks like a goldmine to me, but for whatever reason the place was run down and the ground keepers house was empty. We managed to find a way to enjoy ourselves regardless of the signs.

Next stop, Haha Tonka State Park, I think.  There is a natural spring about half a mild down this path.  In 95 degree weather, it seems like a long walk.  It was, however, shaded and near the stream which is about 57 degrees, so it wasn't as bad as I anticipated.

I guess it wasn't exactly the next stop.  It was one of the places we went.  Forget what I said about that.  I don't even know if that's where I took this picture, but it might have been.  I was precariously snapping pictures amidst my heatstroke.  Forgive me.  I am still suffering the effects of it.

It's so cute to see these two together.  She has always adored him.  By the way, this wasn't the only picture of Lonnie and a trash can, but in the other one Dale insisted on revealing his stomach knowing full well I wouldn't post it.  He has this thing about having his picture taken lately...

I have lots more pictures to share but they will have to wait for the next time.  Happy day to you!

First Day of School!!!

I have to tell you, this is the first year, in all of my seven-ish years of homeschooling, that I have felt hopeful about the school year.  Don't get me wrong, I have been excited before, but that's not saying much. This year I have a different perspective, a new outlook.  I have a general sense of okayness. 

With that said, we had a relatively predictable first day of chaos and disorder.  The difference was that this year there was no yelling, no one cried, and I don't feel like eating a whole carton of butter brickle ice cream to settle my nerves.  I feel good. 

What changed, you may ask?  My fetters were loosed.  The expectation of educating five children at five grade levels blew my mind, and it fettered me, so I cut it off.  The idea that it was necessary to teach math, English, science, history, grammar, spelling, reading, and writing on a daily basis fettered me too, so I let that one go.  The fact that every fifteen seconds someone interrupts what I am saying to ask me a question fetters me.  Actually that one drives me over the cliff.  (It's a part of my vocation that I struggle with every day, all day long, and I have yet to embrace it.  I discourage it, really.  I may have been quoted recently in saying, "Please don't ask me unnecessary questions!!" after one of my children bombed me with ridiculous questions for fifteen minutes and then laughed and said it was just a joke.)  By planning fewer lessons and organizing the necessary lessons differently I have been able to curb the interruptions while I am working one-on-one.  The space helps too.  Instead of being dog piled into one area we are able to spread out.  It's a welcome change. 

Victoria Botkin really drew me into greener pastures with her "Curriculum Advice" lecture series. Her whole approach, after schooling seven children, is to relax.  Don't focus on grade levels, busy work, and achievement tests.  Spend time being creative and allowing for discovery. 

After graduating with a 4.0 and little recollection of the prior years' learning, I have come to realize that my deepest understanding came from a hunger to learn, and the quest following that hunger.  If I can trigger that in my children, they will sprout a love for learning that may prove to be lifelong.  If I am hostile and tyrannical in our daily lessons this dream will never become a reality.  It's not a race, it's a diligent investment, and with that in mind, I think I can.  I think I can.  I think I can, but only by the grace of God. 

Blessings

We have been blessed to be welcomed into the church that we have been praying for, for years and years.  It seemed like a simple request, but the rarity of our fellowship is such that it took over a decade, and travelling back and forth across the country to find it.  I can't say that I am surprised, I honestly didn't think it would ever happen, but it was well worth the wait.  I don't think I could've possible appreciated it way back then when I was wishing for it, as much as I do now. 

What I love about it is... for one thing it's small; eight families.  Worship is intimate, reverent, and the focus is never on a person or a performance, but it is always Jesus.  The Bible teaching is core, systematic, and sound doctrinally.  There is an opportunity for everyone to share every week, either prayer needs, or exciting answers to prayer, or things to sharpen one another.  The kids sit through every service, gleaning what they can from the depth of the teaching, and after each meeting, we have a meal together.  There is a real opportunity to bear each others' burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ because we know each other, and we continue to learn about each other every week.  We share our heavy burdens and they are lightened.  There is wisdom in many different areas from each walk of life, and there is a very real love for the brethren.

I can't even describe to you what a blessing it has been to be part of this body.  I guess the biggest thing is that I feel safe; safe to share, safe to invest, safe about my future there. There are people in our fellowship that are enduring immeasurably difficult trials, but they are victorious because in Christ they have not had to walk through the darkness alone.  While there is heaviness at times, there are people around them consistently to hold their hands and encourage them to keep going.  It gives me the confidence to accept anything that may come our way with grace and courage in Christ, knowing that He will sustain me, and that the body of Christ will without a doubt come to my aid in my time of need. 

Praise be to God, the Giver of every good and perfect gift!